A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I could really use some help advice.I'm 22 and where I live being gay is a no-no, but I fear that I might be gay or at least bi, but I'm not very sure I dunno what to label myself as I'm so confused. Honestly I don't want to be either.Ever since I was younger and I started to realize my attractions to men weren't going away I immediately began to worry about my future "What the hell am I going to do when I get older?"ALL MY LIFE SINCE, I just worry and fret, each birthday each new year as I get older and old, people start asking questions about me"Why doesn't he have a girl friend?""How are you with the ladies?""How come you've never had sex before, are you for real?"I recently turned 22 and I feel sick literally almost everyday. I can't sleep, eat, think, have fun, nothing, I'm constantly worried people will connect the dots eventually, especially since I'm soooooo terrible with girls. No offense to any gay persons reading this but I don't want to be gay, I'm not proud of it like every body else, I don't want to march the streets asking for rights and justice. I'm not offended by gay people but that doesn't mean I want to be one.I told my sister about it once and she was fairly ok with it, but after a period of time she never brought it up again, and that kinda hurt because she acts almost like I never told her. People everyday complain about people being gay and how disgusting it is, yet if you ask them for help they don't know how to help you, so what the hell can I do?Just so you know, my family will not accept me if I told them the truth, they're just not that kind of family, my sister was an exception. My family and I were talking about gay people once and my brother told me "If I ever find out you're gay, I'll kill you myself." and I kinda believe him.At school I can hear people talking about me, some think I'm gay because I don't have a girlfriend. If it wasn't completely truth I wouldn't care, but it kinda hurts because it's partial true, or i dunno....I'm just so confused and worried all the time.All lot of forums and online sites say that people are born gay, but how do you know that? How can you say that when scientists still have no evidence in the matter. I really wish i could find a loop hole for it, but I can't, I personally think being gay is wrong...please don't be offended, that's just how I see it. Just because somebody smokes all day and loves it, and it makes them happy, doesn't mean it's right.Coming out is not an option and I don't trust counselors or people like that even though they would be most helpful. I'd rather not tell my friends, because it could backfire, I'm scared from every angle. I pray to Go about it, but just because I pray doesn't mean he'll just take it away. Women never made me feel good about myself, especially since my mother makes me feel like crap all the time and I just never....connect.... with them. I really want to but, I just don't. Please help me, what can I do to make it through this alone and scared?
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male
reader, der_zyniker +, writes (9 September 2011):
Right now your biggest problem is that you are trying to fight who and what you are. I know that being gay isn't easy, but this isn't something that you can control. You are only hurting yourself by fighting it. This isn't your fault. There is nothing that you can do to change this. You need to tell your family at some point, because hiding something that makes up a large part of who you are will eat at you. If you come out, you may not have the best relationship with your family, but I doubt you'll be so afraid of someone suspecting that you are gay. You are afraid because you are worried that someone will find out about this secret. What is there to be afraid of if it isn't a secret? I am gay too. My family doesn't know, but when they aren't around I'm fairly open about it. I also know how you feel about what your brother said. I have a similar experience where my brother told me that he didn't think gay people qualify as people at. But before you come out, you have to accept what you are. You won't begin to feel any better until you do.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): Thanks so much for all the advice guys, it helped me in many ways.
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (7 September 2011):
 You need to do a couple of things:
1. Accept yourself - and stop hating what you are.
2. MOVE. You're old enough. Move to NY, SF, LA, Chicago, Seattle, or some other large where there's a fairly large gay population. Find out where the gay area in town is and then visit, go shopping, etc. - get to know people in the neighborhood. Go to bars or place personal ads (You can always state that you're only looking for friends - it doesn't have to be for sex; which is overly common).
Once you're more comfortable with yourself and you have a supportive group of friends, and possibly a boy-friend... then you can come out to your family - since it sounds like you're probably not wanting to come out to them right away.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (5 September 2011):
 One... Your friends are not your friends and your family is not your family. What you do or what you feel about people in a positive way should not make you a target of someone who cares for you.
Assuming your brother is serious, he cares more about being embarrassed than about you.
People who disown their kids for being gay do not love them. Sorry to say that, but it is true, and the sooner you know that, the better.
Leave them and go somewhere where you can be yourself and not die. If you literally are worried about death, then LEAVE. Yes, it really is that simple.
It is better to have freedom in a new place than to be imprisoned by your fears in a familiar place.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): If you are actually 22 then move. As the Village People said "Go West.. there where the air is free, we'll be what we want to be".There's no shortage of GLBT forums, find one which suits your circumstances and outlook. You'll discover that your situation is hardly unique.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): It isn't 1950.All these threats are empty. Do you have any idea how much s^^t a person can get into for being violent to someone siply based on sexual preference?I'm gonna assume you live in a good honest society... but it doesn't feel OK for you? so get out. Get as far away from where you are, or whatever town it isBecause no self-respecting person FEARS their god. Why would you worship something you fear?Either way, this kind of intolerant rubbish is completely unacceptable in a modern society and should under no circumstance be tolerated.Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, Problem.helper +, writes (4 September 2011):
 Ok so I recommend an experiment. Go to your laptop turn on men porn and then women porn and you will see if you are gay/bi/straith. I feel bad for you because of you homophobic family and all that stuff, but if you are gay its because you were born that way.. you didnt catch "homo-disease" or something. You dont have to present yourself with it(if you are). I got many friends that are gay but are cool guys, some of them do the gay pride thing and are not embarrassed at all and some act like straight guys but are open about the whole thing and some hide it. I mean I dont really know you or the environment you live in so I cant give you proper advice. The thing you should do is to talk to your sister or your closest friend and swear them to secrecy before you tell them and talk it over.
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A
male
reader, HelpyMcHelperson  +, writes (4 September 2011):
"I personally think being gay is wrong...please don't be offended, that's just how I see it."I don't think that is offensive. I do however think that is very, very sad. Until you learn to come to peace with yourself then I don't think there is much anyone can do for you."I really wish i could find a loop hole for it, but I can't"If you ever want to feel ok with yourself then you need to get past the idea that this is some sort of curse or condition, this is not something that has been forced on you that you can "get out of" it is a part of who you are. As for being born gay I think that is true, feelings such as the one you experience aren't chosen, they are discovered, they aren't some sort of choice and I think your reaction to them can testify to that.There is nothing wrong with being gay, if you realise this it will help to make you much happier, any love shared people two consenting adults (romantic love) is good, no matter the gender of the people involved.Now as for what to do there are groups you can turn to who will help you, I don't advise you try the people who will turn you into an "ex gay" that won't make the feelings go away, it will just teach you to repress them.I am giving you some links to places that will be able to help you. I know it is hard but have faith, if you find the right people to help everything will be ok.http://www.bgiok.org.uk/http://www.glnh.org/index2.htmlThe crucial thing in the short term is that you find someone you are able to talk to.
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A
female
reader, xosingerxo +, writes (4 September 2011):
Hearing that your mother makes you feel bad about yourself, makes me think that you just just havent found te right girl. You may just not trust girls. And you need to be able to trust them before you will ever connect with them. Also I know it's scary but you should talk to a counselor if this Is causing you that much emotion. They can't tell they'll lose they're jobs. And since you're not hurting yourself or physically hurting anyone they won't tell
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