A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for four years now. I am older than him by a few years. Things have been going really well until he moved away for work. Because it is far away we rarely get to see each other and have to rely on technology to keep in touch. It has affected me much more than it has him. He isn't a great communicator and doesn't often surprise. This used to upset me but I accept it now. We met up a small handful of times during this period. I felt weird before all of them but felt best last time (last weekend). I felt comfortable within a short time and enjoyed his company. I cry every time he leaves and miss him. This time however when we talk on the phone or text I don't have the same excitement or happiness like usual. He communicates much better now that his body is more used to his shifts. If I clearly still have strong feelings for him then why aren't I happy to hear from him when we are apart? I tell myself that it could be because I want to settle down etc but these feelings make me think the worse. I love him like I used to, and even though life has affected us I know I do. Please help clear my mind, thank you!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): I think it is your way of distancing yourself slowly... to protect your heart.You want MORE of him and he is not able to give you MORE.This leaves you feeling lonely, rejected, unhappy.The longer you stay with him, the more it HURTS YOU. Because you are in love with him but you do not feel the same level of commitment back. Or even if he does care, he is not giving you everything you want and need. You deep down realize you are not happy and instead of leave the relationship cold turkey because you still care and he is still meeting some needs, you are slowly disengaging so that it will not be as hurtful when you totally disengage. You are just preparing yourself for the outcome.You realize you are investing your heart into something that is not giving you a FULL return on your investment.Right?So instead of continually putting yourself through the pain of separation and feeling lonely and like he is not giving you enough, you are trying to lessen the emotional burden on your heart by desensitizing yourself to this man.It is easier to not care than to care and feel that kind of pain every time he leaves. And then every time you are away from him.
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (16 June 2015):
I went through something very similar with my now ex boyfriend which may (or may not) resonate with you.
Like yours, my boyfriend worked long and unpredictable shifts so finding time to see each other was hard. He also had a full social life to squeeze in, meaning even much of the time off he had was booked up, and like your boyfriend he wasn't a good communicator.
For the first year of it being like this, I felt neglected and lonely. It caused lots of arguments and tears and things got pretty rocky. However, I eventually decided that relationships take sacrifice and effort so maybe I wasn't being fair or I was being too demanding. So learned to live with it. And on the surface, things got much better. We got on a lot better and had fun when we saw each other, yet as the months went by I found I was less and less excited about seeing him. Ironically, he started making much more effort to see and talk to me but it didn't help.
It was only when I asked for advice on here that I realised what had happened - I had checked out. After such a long time trying to accommodate him and his lifestyle, I'd stopped asking for or expecting him to meet any of my needs. Sure we were getting on better, but that was because I'd stopped expecting anything at all from him and instead grew accustomed to the scraps of time and effort he gave me. I had filled my life with other interests to stave off the loneliness and suddenly found I was happier on my own. That all I was gaining was a bit of phone conversation a couple of times a week and the occasional lunch out. Essentially, I'd fallen out of love with him.
Although I realised too late to save my relationship, you may be able to save yours. If any of this sounds familiar, then you must change this pattern and start expecting and asking for more. You shouldn't be the only one being flexible - relationships need to be nurtured and fulfilling to both parties to survive. You have the right to have your needs met too - don't ever forget it.
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