A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've recently started a relationship with the most amazing woman I've ever met. Things are better than I could have ever imagined and have ever been with anyone else and I'm certain we are both deeply in love with each other.The problem is that often I feel intensely guilty about my past. When I see a photo of the pair of us I see in her absoulute purity and in myself only the filth of my self resepectless life. I don't deserve her.We haven't discussed our sex histories but it's just a matter of time I suspect. I think she has only had 1 lover and I have had far too many, this itself is likely to affect her good opinion of me. I am ready to admit that I've had some meaningless sexual relationships, but what I am most bothered about though is that 1 time some years ago I had sex with a prostitute. At the time I was feeling very depressed and loney and I thought it would make me feel better but it didn't. I consider it the biggest mistake of my life, I wish I could forget about it but I can't.If I lost her I would be absoulutely devastated, it's likely she could accept my past but I'm sure it would upset her. So I don't know if I should reveal everything about my past and risk losing what has turned into the most important relationship of my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): I find your question so interesting. My partner who had been married for over 20 years left his country to come and find me again. We had been first loves when we were teenagers but parents got in the way. We hooked up when he was over on a trip and it ignited again. I know he adore me and he is always telling me I am the love of his life. Anyway he stopped off on route back here to see his brother (who is quite “easy”) and he went to a disco where there were prostitutes with his brother and brother’s girlfriend. Details slowly emerged and his conversation with some of the prostitutes became more elaborated on. He says nothing happened but he also said, ”Our relationship started when I got back”. I don’t know whether he did buy sex, or whether he has told the truth; that he only spoke with them. He and supposedly enjoyed their completely false flirting and attention. Which creeps me out enough.If I were generous I would say, poor bloke has been in a stable relationship all that time, so maybe he had his last fling, so what. My actual feelings are quite different. I completely abhor the whole idea that people pay for sex. Politically, morally and for myself as a female human being, I abhor, I mean completely, utterly and totally abhor the thought. I could manage someone having an affair much easier than knowing I was with a man who had bought sex from a person who didn’t actually want to do it but would for the money. I know there are some narcissists, but it seems like being paid to be abused, to me. The damage that prostitutes inflict on themselves wrecks the chance that most of them have for settling down later because their trust in human kind gets warped. Some say they are getting money for college, how sad that women have to sell their bodies to get an education. People say it is free choice but they don’t actually think what it means. Just like people who get abortions thinking it is OK because it is available and they are completely devastated later when they look back and realise what it really means. Nothing is for free, including sex and love. I know I sound very moralistic.My partner shows no sign of being unfaithful to me, I think he really loves me and he proves it every day. I would still have enormous problems if he had used a prostitute because he knew how I felt about it way before. Did he, didn’t he? Would it be best to know and get my heart broken but at least know he was being honest? He is always going to worry that his brother may tell me something one day.From your perspective you may have the opportunity to find out how your girl feels about these things. She may not feel as I do. If she doesn’t you may be able to tell her as you get to trust and know each other better. Since it was a one-time thing, you now know about it and it does not sound as though you would want to do it again. This is a good thing to know about yourself.As far as one night stands go, or brief flings, these don’t matter to me, I don’t know about your girl. I wish my partner had had more girlfriends when he was young and then maybe he wouldn’t have possibly done what he possibly has, which I sometimes torture myself about. For me those flings would not matter at all, it would be the moral angle on buying sex that would floor me.When I see how unhappy you are about your past, it makes me feel a bit more tender for my man and I get a glimpse of some compassion for him even if he has been bad. I can see how you may have done it during a depressed period when not in a stable relationship. Why not make a deal with yourself to chill out, despite the fact that I have probably freaked you out with my extreme reaction. It would be perfectly reasonable to tell her if you think it would be safe and you need time to establish whether this is the case. If it is not, go see a priest and confess, get some forgiveness for yourself somehow. You sound like a really good and caring man. If you have to hold this small pin in your heart in secret it may have a value, which will be how much you love and value your girlfriend and I bet you never take her for granted. Good luck.
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Don't ever make the mistake of assuming that she's as pure as the fresh-fallen snow and you're a pile of compacted slush that someone pissed in last week. There is something terribly condescending about that kind of thinking. She's not an innocent child and she's not stupid. Treat her as a fully-grown, sentient human being who's had her own experience in life, even if it's not quite as colourful as yours. (And one prostitute is nothing to write home about, so don't worry about it.)
As an aside, I've found that people who think the worst of themselves are never prepared for the possibility that the other person might be worse. I once knew a young woman who had a boyfriend in his 20s. She loved the guy but he was a student, cheated on her, and was unable to bring stability or happiness to her life. While still with the boyfriend, she formed a liaison with a generous, open-minded businessman in his 30s who helped her tremendously and brought her stability. He was busy but always there for her. She even considered marrying him. You can imagine how she hated herself for dating two men. Then out of the blue she suddenly found out that another woman had just borne her businessman a baby (he claimed it was from a sperm bank!), and soon after several other women contacted her and revealed that the guy was simultaneously dating all of them. It was a major shock to discover that someone she implicitly trusted all along was so duplicitous!
I'm not suggesting your lady is like this businessman, but don't EVER assume that the other person's life, or sins, or experience, or motivations, somehow pale into insignificance beside yours. It really is condescending.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN PAST.
seriously dude, look at it this way, if you were a virgin or sumin n your girl suddenly told you she used to be a big slut, how would you feel? you wouldnt hate her for it, but youd feel like you dont 'measure up' to the other guys shes been with, this is how she'll feel if you tell her your oh so horrible past.
p.s: quit bragging, some guys would kill for that kind of acion ya know. just sayin x
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A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Hi there.
Are the two of you close to the same age? Have either/ both of you been married? What struck me when I read your post was your admission that all the others were'meaningless' sexually driven affairs. If you have not been married and if everything else was meaningless that what would be your barometer of what a good relationship would be. Obviously you perceive this woman as a 'good'woman...only one sexual partner. I am puzzled as to why you are so disparaging of your past and have her up on a pedestal. Ask yourself what other qualities you are bringing to the table. Are you kind? attentive? reliable? fun?...I think you get my gist.
A greater concern would be for her and your safety. Have you been tested for STDS? Aids? If you have not already done so...get that done. I guess you need to ask yourself if you practiced safe sex in those years.
I really admire your automatic assumption that you will come clean and be honest with this lady..there are many who would not be. However...if you have a clean bill of health, could you allude to the fact that you have had others in your life but not necessarily give a number count. Others may disagree but if the prostitute was a one time thing....I would not mention it.
We all have things in our pasts that we regret. Do not beat yourself up over this. It seems you have found someone special
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Here in Dear Cupid it's usually the women who ask this kind of questions. I think the same advice we give to them would work for you.
First, don't say a word. Second, if she asks, tell the truth. And, most of all, think that your value for her needs to be who you are now, how you treat her and how you sustain your relationship to her.
I don't think most women would expect a man in his thirties to only have had platonic experiences, or perhaps a pure, absolutely chaste marriage that ended because she died in your arms of tuberculosis. I assume that most women will sort of expect you to have had to "bite more than you could chew". I expect that from women that age, too. If she can't cope with what you did before you met her, let her be.
I get the impression that you're close to ask people to forgive you for your "past", which is way less colorful than many. Don't do that. What's done, is done. Unless you raped someone or did some brutalities, I guess you're just another mortal.
Let me assure you that I have nothing against you. I just would likeyou to notice that your "intense guilt" is a little excessive. Perhaps too much.
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A
male
reader, rproctor +, writes (13 May 2008):
Hey man, PLEASE use this as a rule of thumb: Dont ask, dont tell. If she asks bounce around the question, tell her that you have had enough partners to know how to please her. If she persists ask her what knowing that answer will do for the both of you. The point is, DONT tell her. She has no right to know and does not need to know as long as you are STD free and are not currently in any kind of baggage regarding past experiences, aka have kids and stuff.
I wish I had known this before I met my current GF, I wish more than anything I would have never, ever, asked that question... Its a real killer man, dont give it to her.
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