A
male
age
30-35,
*sename155
writes:I have read many questions of women wondering if they should date a man after he divorces if he shows interest in you before he actually divorced. This may be long to explain, so I will try to be as brief as possible as this question is from the other perspective. I am in a miserable marriage. I have done everything from counseling for myself, meds to help my depression that has recently become unbearable, listen and considering any and all needs of my wife. I am done. She treats me awful and I want out for myself and my young daughter. However. I met someone kinda recently. We started talking but before anything could get started I told her I was married but there is issues and I have been half/half about leaving. We talked more, kept distance though. We did meet up one day. Me, her, and I brought my baby girl just so I wouldn't be tempted and maybe more responsible. I was able to get out some of my frustrations, concerns, and she was able to as well as she knew my wife many years ago during better times. She listened, gave reasonable advice without advocating a specific action which I appreciated. Since that day though, hasn't talked to me. Haven't talked for days. I have been nervous to message her since I don't want to bug her plus I would rather know what exactly I do with my marriage before I talk to her again. But why the silence? Is it to give me time to make a decision for myself, or does she regret getting involved and if I do divorce my wife will she hate me? We have done nothing. Talked, no hold hands or sex but oh my god she is a wonderful girl. Strong willed, hard working, she puts up a wall but I suspect she is nicer than she puts on only because of what she has dealt with in the past. I guess that by what she told me she has gone through and how she treated the baby and I and also paid for lunch, didn't want her to do but she is pretty strong willed. No telling her no. Lol. I want to leave my wife because of the right reasons not for another woman, but to know she is waiting for me, in some way, friend or more has been the only thing to bring me comfort in months. I am so sorry this is so long.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 September 2014):
 When I ended my first marriage, I knew my biggest fear was that I would be alone and never have an adult reltionship again. I spent a lot of time talking to this one guy. Finally he said to me "I am not going to be there for you if you break up" and I realized the ONLY thing that was keeping me in my bad marriage was the fear of being alone.
Guess what... you NEED to be alone after a marriage breaks up... it's a good thing to know you can stand alone on your own two feet.
I wonder if your concern is not seeing your child after the divorce as you said "I want out for me and my daughter" but unless the mother is found unfit (which is very rare) or voluntarily gives you custody, if you are in the USA as your flag indicates, you will have a very hard battle on your hands for custody of a young female child. It may not be "fair" or the right thing but it is pretty much the case in the united states that mothers get custody and child support.
The healthiest time I found myself dating was after a different divorce, i enjoyed my alone time for nearly a year before even beginning to venture out in the dating world.
You need to stand up to your fears and end your marriage and respect this woman's choice and boundaries (which IMO are very healthy) and not use her as your transitional person to freedom. I suggest that a therapist will fill the slot you want to place her in.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2014): OP with all due respect you're not exactly prime dating material and she's probably realised that.
I mean you're "stuck" in a marriage you would love to leave?
And regardless of the reasons you want to leave you still need another woman lined up to actually do it? You are the definition of a 'pussy'.
Please don't take that as insult, I'm not calling you that but you had to go on meds to tolerate your marriage instead of doing the right thing, the tough thing and actually leave it? OP this new woman probably doesn't want to be your shoulder to cry on, she probably has enough problems than to take on a guy with no strength of character or conviction who is all "woe is me".
She probably doesn't want to be overloaded with your baggage, that will take a long time to overcome and it seems like you can't do it alone either so she's keeping her distance.
Forget about her, OP, and sort your life out first before you get embroiled in the whole dating thing again.
You can't even handle this relationship, it'll probably be a long time before you're emotionally ready for another.
You want out of this marriage? Then it's time you did that don't you think? It's time you found the strength somewhere and became an independent man again because right now you're acting like one of those people who can't do anything for himself and needs someone to save him.
Well fuck me, OP, is that the kind of man you think women find appealing? Because in my experience only the deranged mothering types with saviour complex's and control issues like that kind of shit.
Sort out your life, OP, because right now you have nothing but a pity party and a lonely, depressed weakling to offer women. If you can't handle the tough times in life without crumbling like you have in this marriage then you need to learn how before you take another risk another woman, it sounds like this marriage has broken you and you want to risk that all again?
Well it'll be worse next time, OP, you may not survive the next attempt at a relationship because you needed another woman as motivation to get out of this one. Needy, desperate and weak. That's what your situation makes you sound, so get off your arse and leave your wife if that's what you want. But you would be well advised not to use another woman as motivation because you'll have gained nothing, you'll just be a pitiful fool completely reliant on women to save you from other women.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 September 2014):
 I agree with Cindy.
The new "friend" is being smart. She doesn't want to get roped into you and your wife's drama.
SORT yourself out before pursuing someone else. That means GET a divorce, have it FINALIZED before pursuing another woman.
Yes, I get that you wanted someone to talk to, BUT you are also very tempted by her, which means.... you aren't really looking for a friend to talk to, BE honest with yourself.
And I agree, it's not right to try and line up a woman so you won't be alone in the separation/ newly divorced time period. That time is for YOU to reflect on the marriage and YOUR part of the break down of the aforementioned. NOT to line up someone to comfort you through the process.
You honestly, have nothing to offer this woman right now. And NO ONE want to be a rebound. I'm sorry, what would she get out of dating a guy who is primarily concerned with his own miserable situation? Who talks endlessly about his ex-wife and how he can't wait to leave her?
So if you feel divorce is what is RIGHT for you and your wife, then GET ON WITH IT.
Once the INK is dry and you are FULLY single, and you are OVER the ex-wife, the marriage and READY to date again - THEN you can date as you want to.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 September 2014):
 I guess, beside being hard working and generous, this woman is also smart and prudent. Whatever your reasons are for beung still married, you ARE still married , I think she , intelligently, is not looking forward to be dragged into an emotional affair type of situation. Often, from being a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on, and becoming the ,albeit platonic, other woman, there's a short step and she is wise to keep her distance for the time being.
Plus, what have you got to offer her right now , ( pardon the brutality ) : your tale of woes, your misgivings, your depression, your indecisions ?... I am sure it's a sad situation, but... it's all about you, what's in it for her NOW ?- Get your freedom back and you'll have much more, practically AND emotionally, to bring to the plate .
Since you say that , if you divorce you do it for the right reasons ( I believe that )- then you do not particularly need to have someone waiting in the wings for you. You'd do it anyway because you'll do it for yourself , regardless of future possible relationships.
YOU take your decision, and go ahead with your plans. If this woman likes you / is into you, you can start fresh, just where you left - and you can deal with her from a position of freedom, dignity and wellbeing, not just one of NEED.
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A
female
reader, bellax +, writes (12 September 2014):
 if its not working out you need to be upfront and tell her otherwise she wouldnt know your thinking /:
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