A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years and the relationship is going pretty well so far. The only thing that really bothers me, and I have expressed myself, is the fact he watches porn on his days off while I'm at work. In my expression I told him it makes me feel as if I'm not good enough for him or that he doesn't truly love me just the company so that he is not all alone. There is a twelve year difference in our ages and I understand if that's what he chose to do before me but after I've told him how I feel and he still chooses to watch it really hurts me. Am I wrong to consider it cheating especially if he goes back and clears his history so I don't see??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): It's not worth the upset. Your boyfriend will always wait until you go out to watch his porn. This will never change. He likes it too much to give it up for you even knowing how much it upsets you. It's not going to work because, like me, you hate the thought of the man you love regularly masturbating to naked women. It's easier to leave this guy if you feel like this. I really think there are women who hate it, those who tolerate it and those who couldn't give a monkey. I know which camp I fall into and I can't accept it as ok in a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2014): Many relationship advisors consider it, very much like cheating as he is looking at a naked woman, I don't believe it is, but if it hurts you so much, he should either stop or make sure you will never find it, I however, don't really condone it as if he has you why does he need porn, my boyfriend watches videos of us, and looks at pictures of me, but understand every man is different, but if he watches it, he watches it, and if non of the girls look like you, then you are sorted, because if they did your time with him wouldn't mean that much, he loves you, and everyone needs there release.Just like women will either masturbate to porn or their own imagination, don't make it so he has to lie or it will make you want to look and see if he has, just think he does and maybe eventually you will accept it, as long as you don't see it, if not that offer to try and watch it with him so that your part of that experience too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the responses they helped a lot. I will admit that I do have insecurities about myself which he is aware of becuase of my childhood.And it's not snooping when it's on the screen or he takes the Ipad away to clear the history. I'm sorry if I came off wrong when I said the relationship was pretty good all except. We get along very well and rarely ever argue I was just concerned about this certain issue. I've only talked to him once about the situation, I have not been constantly bugging him about it. With that said I agree that if he must release himself while I am at work and knows how it makes me feel that clearing the history would seem like a better option. And frankly after reading the responses I agree and have definitely decided it's not cheating. And to whom ever said that I AM good enough for him and that obviously he loved me, not to think any different......it meant a lot :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2014): I never feels good to find out that your boyfriend is looking at other women (who in most cases are surgically enhanced and don't look like the average Jane) to sexually fulfill himself. However, I look at porn and can honestly say that half the time I don't even remember what I looked at. It's really just a means to an end, really. There are no relationship formed over a porn, it's just finding something/someone attractive and wham bam. I do understand how it would bother you though, but I can reassure you it is truly meaningless.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 September 2014):
 Oh, CindyCares and Honeypie are VERY much correct. Read the Bible, there's a lot of graphic references to sex in there (even incest! Abraham married his half-sister)...as well as books like the Caunterbury Tales by William Chaucer, and many books that are out there. Ever consider that the tons of Victorian statues and pictures full of naked people on it could have been because there were no cameras??
I also agree that I am not a fan of porn for many reasons, but I love well-written erotic fiction. No one's getting degraded, and my imagination is better than anything on any screen.
My point is, you can never own someone else's sexuality. He uses porn like you would use a vibrator, it's only using the senses. He is neither connecting with emotionally nor touching another woman's flesh. Unless his porn use has become an addiction and he is unable to be intimate with you because of it, then it is his sexuality, just like what you do to find solo sexual release is your sexuality. The key is SOLO.
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male
reader, Myau  +, writes (12 September 2014):
 Porn is nothing special.
Its just assisted masturbation.
Its in no way cheating.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2014): If he does stop he's only stopped because you've told him to! I dumped my ex for being a porn fan. It still aggravates me to this day when I think about it. It's fun watching him trying get another girlfriend.
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female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (12 September 2014):
Porn may be a lot of things, but cheating it isnt. Your guy has made it clear that he enjoys porn. He clears his history because it bothers you to see it. By continuing to nag about it you're just opening the door for him to start lying just to shut you up (though I suspect you'd continue to snoop anyway).
He's a grown man and you don't have the right to demand that he stop. Find a guy that doesn't watch porn. They're rare, but I suppose a few of them probably exist.
But again, it is NOT frigging cheating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2014): It's up to you to decide what's cheating or not. Personally I don't think it is but if you do then it's not wrong.
What is wrong is you deciding to impose your beliefs on him, you knew he was doing this and you decided to stay with him anyway. OP by your definition this guy is cheating on you and has cheated on you so it's time to treat him like a guy who is cheating on you and won't stop.
In other words go find yourself a guy who doesn't use it. If being with this guy is making you miserable because of the porn then it's time to walk away, because not only will he not stop, he shouldn't stop just to appease you.
OP clearing his history is matter of consideration, you know he watches it so he's not hiding it from you he's trying to be discreet and not shove it in your face. The fact you check his history is creepy as hell by the way.
OP you don't have to accept porn in your life but you have no right to tell him he can't have it either. Go find a guy you're more compatible with that doesn't watch it.
Look the worst thing anyone can do is get caught into the "the relationship is pretty good apart from this huge thing that is making me miserable" trap. No one or relationship is perfect of course but you think he's a cheater, a guy who actively cheating on you with porn.
On what planet do you live that you think a relationship with a cheater is pretty good?
You see that kind of means you're either an idiot for staying with a cheater or you don't truly consider porn cheating.
Time to reconsider the entire thing.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 September 2014):
 Personally I do not think it's just like cheating.
I'll give you a variation of Honepie's literary example : let's say you read a classic of English literature , " Lady Chatterley's lover ". Which is ridicolously tame by today's standard, and yet, it's a well witten book, there are passages that are very erotic and evocative without being too descriptive, so let's say you read of when Mellors bones the lady the first time... and you get a little stirring down there... is that cheating on your boyfriend ? Does he need to break up with you ?...
The problem is if , no matter what we think, or what YOU would like to be able to think,... nevertheless you still feel differently, i.e. the idea of your bf being aroused by anything at all that's not you, on paper or screen, elicits in you the same feelings of rage, grief, humiliation, etc. that you'd feel finding him in the arms of another woman.
I suppose you feel what you feel, and if you could feel differently you'd do it but you can't- but, in this case, what's the solution , other than finding a porn free bf ?
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female
reader, bellax +, writes (12 September 2014):
 personally porn is not cheating but i never consider any guy should watch them because in reality its like he crave something better and not just that the idea of him watching makes me feel like im only his side kick :/ even though porn gives a new idea to great sex life but still if you have a wife or gf theres no reason for porn ;o
either that or he just watches it to get his sexual out of the way so he wont bug you for it most men do it so there women wont get annoyed by asking sex 24/7 my ex bf is the same way i dump him for it but no matter how hard you try to work it out even if you get a new bf he will do the same all guys are horndogs plain and simple ;o
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 September 2014):
 Personally, I'm not a fan of porn, which means, I DON'T watch it. I don't expect my husband to feel the exact same.
We don't agree 100% on everything.
Do I consider it cheating? no.
Would it be cheating if you read a sleazy novel? Let's say the repulsive, 50 shades of shat? It's full on abusive porn in word form. It might as well be the script for some rather crappy porn movie.
But because it's in book form, it wouldn't be cheating?
He clears the history because YOU make a big deal out of the porn. He thinks he is actually being considerate. However, if he tells you to your face, OH honey, I will NEVER watch porn again and THEN still does it, then he is a liar.
If you don't want to be with a guy who watches porn, if it IS a deal breaker for you, I would be very upfront with it and I would NOT be with guy who watches porn.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (12 September 2014):
 It's one of those things on which your mileage may vary. I think it would be harsh to consider it cheating, but if it is something that displeases you then you should bring it up again.
More a case of not listening to you than cheating on you, technically.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2014): Couples need to come to some kind of compromise on porn. Some are okay with it, some are not. Different strokes for different folks. You need to find some agreement that you can both live with. Porn can upset and hurt some partners. Sometimes it can intrude upon sex lives or become compulsive too.
But let's stay clear here: Porn is not cheating.
Cheating devastates people. Cheating publicly humiliates people. Cheating makes people leave their partner for the outsider. Cheating gets people pregnant with the wrong children. Cheating gives people diseases, sometimes incurable, sometimes fatal.
Looking at little moving pictures of random naked strangers is not comparable with real cheating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2014): I honestly don't think that your boyfriend watching porn is him "cheating." It's just something that men do. My boyfriend does it. Yours does. I'm pretty sure if you have a brother, he does it too! It's nothing wrong, it's NORMAL.You are good enough for him, don't ever think otherwise. If you weren't, he wouldn't be with you, especially for 2 years! He only clears his history because he's afraid you'll get mad at him. You've discussed it with him, but maybe he has a high sex drive. You aren't gonna be there every time that he wants to have sex, and better him seeking porn, than some other girl! It only becomes a problem when he doesn't want to have sex with YOU and would RATHER watch porn, otherwise, I don't see a big problem. You're just bringing trouble upon yourself.If it really bothers you, you could always try watching it with him? Or last resort is to break up with him and find a guy who doesn't watch porn. The latter might be a bit difficult, and I'm sure you don't want to give up on a good guy. Cut him some slack! Just like I'm sure you have things that you do that he doesn't like, but puts up with it because he LOVES you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2014): "Am I wrong to consider it cheating especially if he goes back and clears his history so I don't see??"Not necessarily, but you are wrong to assume that you have the right to dictate the conditions under which he is allowed to masturbate. Would you prefer that he spend his days off drinking, using drugs, and/or gambling instead of engaging in safe, harmless masturbatory fantasies to enjoy a physical release, which is what playing with oneself entails as opposed to the expression of emotions that making love to a woman is? While I have no doubt that your beliefs are sincerely held, as a guy I must say that if you are so insecure and hypersensitive that you are putting him in a position where has has to choose between you and his dominant hand, then I respectfully suggest you have an irreconcilable incompatibility.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2014): Get a boyfriend that doesn't watch porn.
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