A
female
age
36-40,
*amanthablax
writes:Hi, I have been with my partner for 5 years and married for 2 months, we have two children together ages 1 and 2. He is in the army so when we got married i moved in with him, 3 hours drive away from my home, i gave up my home and to be near my family to live with him.I don't work, i look after our two children all day. Recently i have become very unhappy, he is very controlling, he goes out with his friends, and if i want to go out he says 'if u behave' also he always calls me names and puts me down, some days he will be happy and nice to me, then the next he is horrid. He calls me lazy and bone idol. He always blames stuff on me and says he is always right, he trys to choose my career for me, he says without him i will have nothing. I have recently been diagnosed with depression and i think this is all down to him, i want whats best for our children, if i go back home i will be stuck living with my mum with no money and 2 children, its not what i want for them, my husband will never change he has always been the same. i really need help :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): I think there is nothing which does not happen in any couple around the world at any given point of time. we say much more worse thing to each other. but does not mean or intend the same. so i think little adjustments here and there will make much more happier. Spats are common. Nothing to even think about divorce etc
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 I echo everyone else in leaving this poor excuse for a husband. Go on base to JAG (Judge advocate general) and get divorce papers. They can also give you legal advice, whether or not you will need a lawyer to get custody of your children. You're their mother so most likely not. Also, inquire about how soon you will get child support from your soon to be ex husband's wage.
You will receive child support for both children. I also suggest you start looking for a job immediately.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 September 2011):
 YOu're in luck!!! Mothers are usually a lot nicer to daughters (in the long run!) than are abusive boyfriends/husbands and fathers.....
Count your blessings and get on with life....
Good luck (to all of you.... you, your Mom and your kids)...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): This is abuse for sure, and you would be right to leave. The safety of you and your children depend on it. Plus, you know he can be a dangerous person.
It is not shameful to move back to your family in this situation. It is hard to start over but you can do it. Also once you get away get into some therapy to help you heal from the damage that has already been done. Emotional abuse is a powerful thing. With physical abuse the bruise heals and vanishes. But with emtotional abuse the bruise is already invisible, so it lingers and festers, causing problems later.
You can do it!
Also if you fear for your safety in a physical way, do get yourself into a battered women's shelter with your children. They will protect you.
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A
male
reader, skyleo  +, writes (28 September 2011):
Hello, to the best of my knowledge i think you should care about the welfare of the kids. The two of you are full adults but the kids needs the best care from you, so please whichever step you wish to take, i want you to put the welfare of the kids to be the most important thing.Best of Luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 September 2011):
 Do you want your children to learn that abusing a woman is an acceptable way to live?
YOU are being abused. You dont' have bruises to show for it or broken bones but you have a broken spirit because of this abusive man.
My first husband was identical to yours. I stayed home and raised our two sons... he was constantly putting me down, not letting me work, not giving me money.
I finally could not take it and with the HELP of my parents I was able to get out and get a better life. My sons often told me that it was much better AFTER mommy and daddy didn't live together any more. And they were LITTLE when I left (3 and 5) the baby not even remembering when mom and dad were together...
going back home with mum will be temporary. You will go home, get help, get medication, get UN-depressed, find a job and move on. AND get a good lawyer and make sure to have your child support garnished from his salary so that he pays it.
best of luck to you and your children.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (28 September 2011):
 Hi,
Honestly, if you are not happy, and feel he will never change, then I think you should end this marriage. I don't understand, you've been together, and know him foe 5 years? Was he always this way, or change after having the children?
Just know one thing, you are still very you, and you still have along life to live. I know things seems impossible right now, but there's always a way for everything. You can move in with your parents, get a job, and have him pay for child support. You decide what you want in life, and you cannot blame anybody. If you work hard, you can achieve anything in life, your dreams, happiness. Many people have made it through, and I am sure if you put your mind into it.
Rather you work or not, you are a full time mom. He should respect you, for being the mother of his children. He should love you as your husband, and life partner. He should never put you down, call you names, and judge as a human being. You are both equal partner now, he should love you, appreciate you, respect you, cherish you, support you, and make you happy. Good guys go to work, after that they help with the children, and around the house. Also, why can't he take you out? "if you behave?" my goodness? Why does he treat you this way? Sorry to say this, I know he's your husband, I don't know him, don't have the right to judge, but his behavior makes me believe that he's selfish, rude, and a little ignorant. If he doesn't change, he will never, ever be happy. You know what they say: "happy wife, happy life".
Sorry also that you were diagnosed with depression. I don't blame you, being alone, not releasing stress, always being put down, no appreciation, no wonder you feel this way. You are a human being, have feelings, and needs. You cannot just be home with the kids. You need friends, need to go out, need time alone for yourself.
My point is, don't let him control your life. I hope you have enough strength to leave him, if he doesn't change. God bless, hope you find peace, and make the right decision.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 September 2011):
I also think your depression is linked heavily to your husband's poor treatment of you.
I do think it's best that you leave your husband. To drive you to depression is very, very bad and you shouldn't be around someone like that. Before you decide what to do, the best thing might be for you to get some counselling first, and also make an appointment to see the citizen's advice.
http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
They can advise you on things like housing, money, divorce etc. It might well be that you can get another house somewhere rather than move home, or stay with your husband (though he might be the one who has to leave).
You mustn't accept this treatment. It's obviously bad for you, and it's also bad for your children to see you treated this way. You all deserve better than that. It also might help your depression if you look to get into work of some kind, even if it's just voluntary. You need to get your own identity back as well as deal with your marriage and children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): Look at this in two stages.
First of all, you're in a dangerous situation. Not only is this man deeply controlling, but he's threatening your freedom and setting a terrible example to your kids. You need to get away from him asap for the sake of your entire family. Whatever it takes - be it moving in with your parents or even going to a refuge, get the hell out of there!
Then, look to the longer term. The move to your parents' place is a short time crisis move, to get yourself to safety. Planning your longer term future will take a bit longer - but you WILL do it! I know it feels like the scariest, most terrifying, most unknown thing EVER right now - but this is actually the chance for you to unlock all the dreams you've ever had of doing something with your life. It's a chance for you to have the freedom to make decisions - maybe to go to college part-time, maybe to set up your own business. If you stay with this guy, you'll become a ground-down mess. If you leave, you have a chance to build your own future, and fulfil your ambitions. I know it's scary, but it's also exciting. And YOU CAN DO IT!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): Go back to your family, even if it is for a while, to get some TLC and a rest from your situation. This is all very sad as you are so young. But don't be trapped in a relationship that is clearly not healthy. You are homesick too by the sounds of it. Just go home, get your head together and plan your next step. But do not be controlled by him - you are partners as should respect each other.
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