A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy I went to high school with. We've been seeing each other for about 8/9 months. We'll call him Derrick. When we first starting talking to each other again I had just got in a new relationship. I didn't tell Derrick about it. I didn't feel the need to since we weren't spending any time together just phone calls and texts. So me and my boyfriend broke up 2 months later. After the breakup I pursued the Derrick situation a little more. We ended up going on a few dates and ended up sleeping together. So for the past 4/5 months we've been seeing each other on the regular. We're not exclusive. But he's been in the picture for a little minute now and he's good to me. Now here's the fun part. I'm in a new relationship again with a wonderful guy. We'll call him Kevin. I met Kevin when I broke up with the boyfriend I mentioned before. We met months ago and exchanged numbers. We talked on and off. Never meeting up because of our conflicting schedules. We recently starting speaking again. We made plans to finally meet up and chill. The date went great. And we decided we wanted to see more of each other. We spent more time together and decided we wanted to test the waters of a relationship together. He's a great guy. Sweet, great with my son, treats me like a princess. Everything I want in a guy. I want to be committed to this thing we have because I feel it has potential. And because there aren't many good guys left and he's definitely one of them. But I can't leave Derrick alone. I've already cheated on Kevin once. I lied and told him I was out with my friends. When I was really out on a date with Derrick. Which ended with us getting drunk and sleeping together. I know it was wrong but I didn't feel an ounce of guilt or regret. I know what I'm doing is wrong and if it done to me I'd be devastated. I don't know what to do. But what I do know is if I keep this up I'm going to get caught. Because both guys are from the same borough. Everyone knows everyone. Also me and Derrick are very public about us. It's no secret that we're seeing each other. And even though Kevin is new most of my family has met him. Please help!
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 August 2011):
Neither man is suitable. That's why you need to end it with both. This is not a situation that you can't win in. You don't feel guilty for cheating on Kevin - therefore however much you care for him, it's just not enough. And the fact that you won'd dump Kevin for Derrick means you don't care about Derrick enough either.
Both men have to go, or you will be alone with a reputation as a cheat. And that's much worse than letting two unsuitable men go before it all comes out. Believe me, you do not want to be found out - the good guys disappear very quickly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what y'all are saying. As far as relationships goes for me I was single for a while almost two years and I started dating again after Derrick came into the picture. So it's really not me jumping in and out of relationships. I do care about both men, it may be hard to believe but I do. I'm just hesitant to sever ties with one mainly Derrick because he's always been there for me. If I cut him off and me and Kevin don't work out then what? It's not about me being afraid of being alone because it's been done before. I just don't want to loose Derrick. But I want to be with Kevin.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 August 2011):
 Read this sentence from your own post back to yourself "I know it was wrong but I didn't feel an ounce of guilt or regret" - this confirms that actually, you dont have any real feelings for Kevin, you happily cheated on him and dont feel at all guilty about it. If you really cared for Kevin and were serious about a future with him, you would feel incredibly bad about cheating.
I think the problem with Kevin is that he is good on paper and treats you how you want to be treated - but you just dont feel that spark, that 'wow' factor with him. Whereas the connection you have with Derrick is clearly very physical but he isnt quite the lovely guy that Kevin is.
So that is why you are messing around with both of them - Derrick is the physical connection, and Kevin is your good on paper guy - if you combined them both you would have your perfect man.
Hence why neither guy is right for you and you need to end it with both of them. The relationship with Kevin is never going to work, you have already cheated early on in the relationship, it is only going to get worse! And Derrick isnt quite everything you want in a man either, so your best bet is to end it with both of them and take some time out to be single.
You seem to be jumping from one relationship to the next, not actually taking any time out to be alone and reflect on what is going wrong with all these men. If you dont have that time out on your own you will never learn any lessons from your failed relationships, you will never have the chance to reflect on what it is you are really looking for, and it will mean that you will just take all your baggage from the last relationship into the next.
So try being single for at least 2-3 months, I promise you it will do you the world of good. You will be able to figure out what it is you want from a relationship and a man, so it will make it far easier in the future to spot the right guy and not waste your time with 2 guys like you are at the moment, when neither is right for you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 August 2011):
I read an interesting article the other day that confirmed my thoughts about people who think they love two people, or who think they do.
They don't. You don't.
Actually, you have both these guys in your life because you are entirely unfulfilled. You're trying to have this wonderful, happy life in a fantasy land, because you're unhappy with your reality.
In short - you need to get your own life together before you can have another man in it. You shouldn't be with either man. You don't care for either, hence your ability to feel guiltless at this. And you can't commit, because neither man is right and you know it.
So now, it comes down to whether you have the moral nerve to do what is right and stop seeing both men. Kevin is a nice guy, and you know he deserves better than to be made a mockery of, which is what you're doing really. You're using him as a prop, as a step-father figure and as support because he's a nice guy. You're also using Derrick because he acts as an escape from reality.
You are right - you will get caught. And you're in a bad position here. You're a young, single mother - and as most single mothers will tell you, it's hard to meet a good guy who will accept your children.
So imagine what your reputation as a woman and mother will be when this comes out. Imagine what damage this will do to you, let alone the guys you're seeing. It takes a special person to accept and bond with another man's child. But no man in his right mind will date you if he thinks that he's just an ATM machine or father figure who is there to be made a mockery of.
Save Kevin his feelings. He deserves better and you know it. Save Derrick his feelings.
Most of all, save your own future as a woman who can be trusted. Men will run from a woman who cheats and has a child because she'll just appear like a user of men.
You've got to stop seeing both men and focus on your child, who needs a stable house and mother who is stable in her head. If you can't offer that, then you're setting your child up for a life of instability, and you're going to have a dreadful reputation from which men will run from.
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