A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a 54 yo female, divorced for 6 years, no children. He is a 60 yo male, divorced for 5 years, he has a 20 yo son who lives out west, another son who lives away as a college freshman and a third son who lives with him who is a HS sophomore. I reconnected with Dean via FB about 15 months ago. He is a retired music educator. I was my student teaching advisor. He lives in MI, and I live in FL.We started chatting on IM, and the conversations flowed well. After a short while I extended an invitation for him to visit me. He said "I'm very good with invitations". But during those initial couple months of chatting, he had knee replacement surgery. After that came his Judging season with school band and orchestra. We chatted or messaged nearly everyday. The tone was anywhere from flirty to mundane. He would ask me things like "so are you ok with a man with a beard?" and other things I don't need to be ok with, if we were just meant to be friends. He took several trips with his sons over the summer months. I, at that point, thought he was simply not interested in me, or visiting. In the fall he took a flirty tone again. I went down to S FL to see old friends and he asked if any were new love interests. And I asked why he wanted to know. He said maybe I would find a great guy down there. So, I said:" I assume that means you are not interested in me" Which he said, "I am interested, of course" but wished me happiness with 'whomever"???Come late Nov, he messaged me about how he found a cheap flight for Dec 11. I welcomed the visit from him. Just days before he says. "Dec 11 isn't going to happen. I should have jumped on that cheap fare." I replied that it sounded like I wasn't worth the extra $50 bucks. We sorted it out and he said that he just wanted to find that 'perfect time' to visit. Here's what really bothers me: Over the course of 15 months good conversation, I have supplied Dean with my phone number, maybe 8-10 times. Several times in the beginning. Then more times as he said 'he couldn't find it' through the months. He calls infrequently, but we always have a very good conversation. He called around Halloween, then by Thanksgiving asked me for my number again. He says he's 'bad with programming phones" (I am terrible with phones and I can manage to get a number in my flip phone- and I would have to assume that he has NO ONES number in his phone then?) He promised to write my phone number down. In our conversations, he says things like 'when I visit...."Dean called in December and in January. Last Sunday, he messaged me to call him (giving me his number, which has been in my phone for over a year) and said: " I cannot find the notebook, where I wrote your phone number" Can it be as simple as this? Or is there something going on that he's hiding my number from someone, or his sons? I mean, he could put my number on a note on the fridge, for God's sake. My hopes for a relationship aren't high, they never have been, I would like to see this man after 30 years, to see if there is any 'real world' connection, but I am feeling the whole thing devolving at this point. I am feeling very standoffish right now. Should I be?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 January 2016):
 I have to agree with the others as well.
For someone to lose your number this many times says it all, I think. There is also the distance. Dean may like you and enjoy some mild flirty times but unless one or both of you make concreate plans to relocate, what is the point?
A word of warning for future reference: NEVER ask a man 'where is this relationship going?' or 'what are we?'. It reeks of desperation and insecurity. You simply TELL them, in a confident and matter of fact way, what you think based on your observation of the facts, what you want and ask them if they want the same thing. Much more direct, leaves no room for misunderstanding, it's not demanding, and it sounds more confident.
I wouldn't initiate contact with Dean anymore. Certainly be friendly, courteous and happy to catch up when he contacts you but treat him as an old high school buddy and nothing more. Cut out the flirting as well.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 January 2016):
 Guy sounds like a FAKE to me. He is happy with a long distance relationship. But for some reason (ED, Marriage, gender mismatch, legal issues) he is unwilling to actually see you in person. Toss him out with yesterdays junk mail.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2016):
 I agree with Eddie and Aidan
It's going nowhere. The whole "forgetting" and "losing' your phone number constantly? it's just iffy.
Who is he REALLY hiding your number from? I don't think the sons, more likely he either already HAS a partner or he just likes the attention and to string you along.
You got his phone number the first time, right? And you still have it?
He is full of crap. Sorry.
I would regard him as a friend only, and if he starts flirting, I'd change the subject. If you are looking for a partner in life, HE isn't it.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (28 January 2016):
My assessment is similar to Eddie’s to be honest: this isn’t going anywhere. I wouldn’t bother with this guy. He is plainly not interested in a more serious relationship or even a deeper friendship with you. Sure, you could ask him outright what he wants and tell him what you want, but I don’t think it would achieve anything. Even if he did agree to give it a go, you’ve seen the paltry effort he is willing to put in: you would clearly be incompatible. Don’t waste any more of your time on trying to get anything more from this man.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 January 2016):
 Sorry, but this relationship doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
When a guy wants to be with a woman, generally he'll move heaven and earth to be with her. I mean come on, even if we aren't emotionally in the game, generally it'll happen if we even just want sex.
The fact that he hasn't made much of an effort indicates to me that he just plain isn't interested (and sees you as a chat buddy) or doesn't have time for a relationship. Perhaps, also, there is a geographical distance that he isn't willing to cross.
Either way, after all this time the relationship hasn't progressed, I am guessing either he is clueless or just not interested (or just a ditz when it comes to organization). Either push the envelope yourself just to make 100% sure or move on and find someone who will be dedicated to you and more with-it-all.
Eddie
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