A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together a few years and were best friends before we got together. Since moving in together the relationship has become totally stale, I can concentrate on my career from home as I'm self employed but he works unsociable hours at work, usually 6am until late evening. When he comes home he just goes straight to sleep or when he does have time at home he just wants to play video games in bed. I understand that as he works so much he needs time to chill out but I feel completely neglected. Our sex life is none existent, we barely have a proper conversation any more and I find myself getting angry constantly because he never has time for me or to do things around the house which are his responsibility. I feel like I'm being a bitch and sometimes I find myself making snide remarks or complaining but sometimes I wonder if it would be just better all around if I was living on my own and not having to depend on someone who's never here. I don't know what to do, I love him but I'm 24 and feel like I'm way too young to be in this situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2016): What were your expectations when you moved in? Have you guys discussed it?You obviously know that he NEEDS that time do de-stress and do not think that he's avoiding you. Could it be that you have some preconceived ideas of what living with someone should ALWAYS be like and how that other person should ALWAYS behave? This could lead to HUGE frustration and bring out the worst in you.This is what he is like at THIS moment when he works ten hours a day. How long have you been living together? Maybe he needs time to adjust to having someone around all the time, don't take it personally.What are your unwinding techniques, do you have any hobbies? If you really love him, give him some time and in the meantime do the things you like, work on yourself.However, when it comes to him not sharing his load of chores... nip it in the bud. The best way to do it is to understand what he sees as work around the house and let him know what it means for you (don't think that it's something normal that all people do in the same way). Make a list and define the responsibilities. You may have a different set of criteria when it comes to deciding just how dirty something is. That's a bummer.If he tries to wiggle out of it, stop doing things for him (washing his clothes, cooking, buying groceries etc.). He'll get the message and don't take his "I work too much" as an excuse.Sex part can be tricky. When a healthy young man doesn't have the urge to have sex with the partner he is interested in, it usually means stress overload. Again. Do not take it personally. That's where the bitchy part comes from. It's not personal, so stop acting like it is.Try thinking about the positive sides. The things you (still) like about him. Take him to a date, to see a play, to the movies. Make a party just to celebrate life :)Suddenly I thought to ask you if he has shown any OTHER signs of depression? Does he self-medicate with alcohol or drugs? Does he avoid friends?He may have some issues that have nothing to do with you and which symptoms were not obvious because you weren't seeing him this often. Some highly functional people suffer from depression that can be a consequence of any type of anxiety (work related, people related...).If however persists behaving in the way you really can't stand, well move out and that'll be that. It's an important process of growing up.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 January 2016):
 It sounds like you're already on your own, so you're right, you might as well make it official. That way you're free to pursue happiness instead of being bound to a ghost.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (28 January 2016):
 It sounds like since moving in there has been some changes in your relationship.
The question is, though, were these problems present before you moved in? Did he work a lot of hours before? How often did you spend time together beforehand?
Moving in together brings in a lot of changes to a relationship. Some guys need "their" time when they come home (just as you need time to vegetate on the computer or the TV). Now that you are living together, it can come off as being disinterested when in fact the other person just needs some alone time.
Remember, just because you are living together doesn't mean it's all about you as a couple. He needs time to de-stress (video games or sleeping). When you weren't living together he had this opportunity to do this and then meet you at both of your convenience. And when you got together, it was all about "the two of you". The sudden adjustment of being together and yet simply co-existing can be disconcerting.
Also, in your twenties, your careers are just budding and that means taking on extra work and responsibilities in order to get ahead. It sounds like his job is quite demanding and he is likely doing it to provide a better future for the two of you.
I hope you take a moment to reflect what life might be like through his point of view. Also, I would suggest setting up a date night for this weekend. Explain to him you feel left out and that a night out doing whatever you guys enjoy best would help you reconnect.
All relationships go through hard times. Those that are meant to be, find ways to communicate their desires and needs and grow from them.
Eddie
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