A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles, I'm after a bit of relationship advice. I met and have started dating a man through an online dating forum. We get on like a house on fire - same sense of humour, same take on life. We're both quite quirky so it's extremely rare for me to meet someone like this. Usually my relationships have been bad - me chasing, lots of anxiety. This guy just makes me feel safe, cared for and I feel like I can rely on him. I'm 37 and I want to meet someone and start a family. The problem is that personality aside, I don't think I am attracted to him. I am really into fitness and he is quite overweight. But I'm not even sure if that is it - there's just not the attraction chemistry, you know? I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him or lead him on, but I want to give myself a chance to have a relationship with someone who cares for me and treats me well. Can attraction grow? Are these things really as important as having someone who makes you feel safe and who you know you can rely on? Would really appreciate your advice, Thank you.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 January 2016):
 OP,
For most people and cultures the days of arranged marriages are over. People want to marry for love. They want to marry someone who will be a good fit and good match LONG TERM.
I get that in an arranged marriage there might NOT be one iota of chemistry, but the person in front of you at the alter (or wherever the ceremony is performed) IS the one to spend life with. Some people adapt. They "settle" for whatever the other person has to offer.
YOU shouldn't settle. Long term, it will make you unhappy and HIM unhappy too. How would you feel if your body sizes were reversed? If he was the fit and you were the unfit one? Where he just didn't get turned on by you, but stuck around because you are a decent chick? Not great, right?
He is who he is. And while that might be a SUPER great guy, you two just don't have that physical attraction and chemistry. Which in turn means... you two are not OVERALL a great fit.
It's NOT like there are only 2 types of guys out there, asshole hotties and amazing notties.
I get that you want to start a family and this guy check of MOST of your boxes for a partner to have kids, white picket fence, house, cars etc. with.. BUT you NEED attraction to make the PHYSICAL side of the relationship work.
Think on it. And be fair. To yourself AND to him.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (28 January 2016):
 Im sorry sweetie, but your questions is so caring and thoughtful but Ive been in that situation.I dated a guy who was pretty handsome but awkward in dating and I wasnt completely attracted to him like my ex, but I gave it go anyways just because I wanted to be open and try other types of guys. Anyways, his kissing and physical intimacy didnt turn out how I wanted, it was very awkward (he had very little experience) and because he was a good guy, I continued to see him. Only to get more disillusioned as time went on and I became less and less attracted in being physical with him (But I have a high sex drive).Ive also been on 200 first dates and just like the guy above, looks aren't everything but attraction is. Some girls go for guys I am not attracted to but the girl is crazy for him. So beauty is in the eyes of the beholder so some girls may find overweight guys cute and attractive, personality is everything as well and a guy can make you feel a million bucks and like the most beautiful girl in the world, but you have to ask yourself if you can return that favor. Men also want to feel amazing and loved, and sexually wanted. If the thought of kissing or making love to this man repulses you, you really have to let him go so he can find the girl that desires him. Of course he makes you feel amzing and safe but its also important to know that it would be unfair to be with him and not desire him. I let that guy go and so many others because the first few kisses tells you everything. It always reaffirms and creates certainty about whether I wanted see a guy again. And same goes with guys, sometimes they werent attracted to me and let me go (which in the end always was the best thing they did for me). Attraction is very important. Even after you get old and only can give each other your companionship, you still want to look into the face of the man you loved and talk/laugh about the many fun physical/emotional adventures youve had with them. You can share and reminisces about the memories. When you touch them, it would be filled with memories and instantly let you know why you chosed them. Its so important.Dont settle. So many divorces happen because people settle. Physical attraction can build up overtime, but those are rare circumstances. Follow your heart and mind and body. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 January 2016):
 You're looking for someone to father your child and this doesn't quite seem the right man. It's like you're hoping that you get attracted to him, things just somehow all align and you get pregnant fast. Wishful thinking but sadly not practical. For starters, I don't think that attraction "grows". More importantly, when you meet the right person, I think you instinctively know it. Something within you will tell you to go for it.
If you still think that there's a shot with him then get to know him better. Maybe then you can take a decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2016): I think when you first meet feelings are often heightened. Two people looking for the same thing on the same wave length is attractive in itself. However if you dont fancy a guy and he's overweight and out of shape this is who he is. Either you fancy him or move on. In my experience guys I have not been that attracted to remains the same which is totally frustrating. I have been in your shoes and found over time as their attraction grows the thought of kissing them does not appeal.
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