A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have discovered that my husband has started masturbating and lying about it. I feel puzzled because I have a healthy libido and he knows it. Why would he do this? Is this a sign of trouble ahead? We have been married for two years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Abella: Thank you so much for your response! This gave me a lot to think about, and I think I am closer to figuring out what is going on here.
Also, I have really appreciated the other responses, too. We haven't been married long, and I just want us to be happy together.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2014): Most men seem to be embarrassed when it comes to the subject of masturbation. Men are still seen as less than a man for having to resort to it. A manly man should be able to get sex anytime they want it. Anything less is seen as them being the guy living in his mothers basement and playing games 24/7. It's never portrayed as the beautiful act of self discovery like that of women. He's embarrassed to be candid about it.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 October 2014):
 He should not feel the need to lie to you. But he is lying. And this may make you question your trust in him.
Think back to when you were first dating and then go to forward to the time when you first married.
How often were you as a couple making love between the two of you at the start of your marriage? Think about the frequency and the enthusiasm for lovemaking that was evident at that time. Consider too if you were aware of him masturbating at that time? And if so how often did it seem to occur?
Now contrast the situation that existed when you first married versus right now.
Is he making love to you now more often, less often, or about the same?
Is there more enthusiasm now or less enthusiasm now? Is there more masturbation or less masturbation or about the same frequency as when you first married.
Making love to a real person always trumps masturbation.
Consider too how often he initiates making love now versus how often you initiate making love now, versus how things were two years ago.
Sexually a man is affected by visual cues
His health can affect his willingness to engage in making love or choosing instead to masturbate
His rising or waning libido will affect him too.
And a man is affected by how attractive he finds his partner to be, to him, at the time.
Does he have some tension in his life from work issues or financial issues as both these things can affect a man's libido.
Particularly if he is initiating love making less often and because he has become secretive about masturbation then consider if he has something to hide.
Is he choosing secret masturbation because he is thinking about another woman? if the latter then stay calm, since masturbation suggests that the other woman may be unattainable for him.
Or is it about control? Does he regard masturbation as a fast efficient and comforting way to make love without any pressure to perform and satisfy another person? So is control an important issue to him?
Ask him about his sexual fantasies.
Explore, in a discussion, what his sexual fantasies mean to him.
If you can become part of those fantasies, and if you are comfortable doing so, them you may open up things he wants to say to you or do with you, (with your permission of course) where you could introduce some new elements to your love making that may result in him wanting to go solo less often.
If the problem is that he is feeling more tired and wants to limit the lovemaking to be at his pace then he may have a health issue. In that case suggest that he have a full medical.
Once you do get him to open up go slowly and listen 10 times more than you talk.
Let the silence hang in their air, even if he stops talking. Allow him to feel comfortable about opening up to you without any fear of censure.
Try now to judge whatever he says on the day but instead quietly reflect and offer support when you do talk. That way he is more likely to open up more and more as he feels more comfortable doing so.
Reflect on how he has changed (if his responses have changed) in respect to lovemaking.
So what else has changed that could have affected him?
Has there been a change in financial circumstances?
Has there been a change in his health?
Is he more fit or les fit then when you first married
Has there been a change in his weight since you first married (weight up or weight down)
What else could have changed since you first married?
Then ask yourself the same questions about what has changed.
Because changes in life circumstances can affect libido and enthusiasm for sex.
Consider if you and he could undertake some physical challenges together so that you explore trust issues and so that your main physical togetherness together is not mainly about sex. For instance runs together, a hot air balloon trip together, a bike ride together, walking excursions together. Swimming together. Trying a new sport together like fencing or golf or indoor rock climbing.
Because completing challenges together, exercise together and increased fitness can also increase libido and improve trust between a couple.
Hope all that helps
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 October 2014):
 Maybe he just doesn't want to be grilled on what he does by himself on his own time? It sounds like you think he's avoiding something by lying to you. What is he avoiding? Telling you something uncomfortable, perhaps. Maybe he is worried about the aging process and his masculinity.
Maybe he doesn't want to be given permission by his wife to masturbate as that's emasculating. Maybe he feels what he does in private is none of your business.
Maybe he's angry at you for some reason that he can't quite put his finger on so is avoiding intimacy with you.
You're going to have to figure a way to approach this that isn't accusatory or judgmental, or makes you sound like the aggrieved party.
Is this really a question about you feeling that he's 'wasting' his sexuality in solo sex instead of spending quality time with you in bed?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease, does anyone have any suggestions? It's more about the lying than the action he does.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to clarify why his masturbating and then lying about it is a problem.
First of all, I have encouraged him to masturbate whenever I am not ready for sex. There have been times when our libidos are not in sync. I do it too! I have no problem with him doing it, it is just that I am puzzled why he has to lie about it. Lately he has had a problem finishing. He sometimes takes up to a week before he can perform after we have sex.
So now I am wondering if he has been masturbating a lot and then having nothing left to bring to the bedroom? This is the only reason it bothers me. I would never let on that I know, I just found evidence while cleaning one day.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 October 2014):
Dear OP,
Are you sure he just started masturbating.. or hasn't he rather been doing this all the time, just you didn't know?
To me, it would only be a sign of trouble if he's neglecting you and preferring masturbation to having sex with you on a regular basis.
If otherwise, your relationship is without signs of him growing distant to you, I wouldn't worry. What I worry about is that he feels he needs to lie about this. Are you judging him for doing masturbating?
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (6 October 2014):
Masturbating and lying about it? I'm trying to understand how this conversation would even go. What are you doing- demanding to know whether he jacks off? It's just weird to me that you're apparently insisting on knowing if/ when he masturbates.
Nearly everyone masturbates. Male, female, gay, straight, doesn't matter. And it is PERSONAL. And has nothing to do with your spouse. I'd feel very uncomfortable if my husband demanded to know when I masturbate. Fortunately, he understands it's none of his damn business.
It is his body, he can touch it all he wants. Get off his back, it isn't about you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 October 2014):
 I think he lies about it- precisely because of the way you take it. As if it's something weird, innatural, that requires complex explanations or justifications.
The fact is - confirmed by creditable scientific research , not based on personal opinions- that a wide majority of PEOPLE ( yes, men a tad more than women, but not noticeably more ) masturbate regularly, INCLUDING married / in relationship / sexually fulfilled people.
I don't remember the exact figure but it's something like 93% or 95% or thereabout.
Self pleasure is self pleausre , and shared pleasure is shared pleasure. Two different things which aren't mutually exclusive.
Maybe he just does not feel like having to debate or defend a behaviour that does not require any particular defense.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 October 2014):
The fact that he is lying about it is the problem.
Maybe he is worried that you may be unhappy with him for masturbating or that you will judge him for masturbating?
Assure him that the masturbating is not the issue but that lying to you destroys trust.
Get him to open up about anything that is on his mind. Something may be bothering him. Patiently try to discover what is the issue.
Try to listen without getting too emotional. There may be an issue that he thinks might bother you.
Or he does not want to disappointment you.
Men and women do masturbate, some more than others.
Men and women in relationships with each other sometimes introduce mutual masturbation into their lovemaking.
It is a very normal part of many people's lives and in no way does it reflect on you.
Your husband gets a thrill from this and maybe watching him or even interrupting him and taking over will give your husband and additional thrill.
If it completely repulses you then ask your husband to masturbate when you are not present.
But your husband masturbating does not indicate dis-satisfaction with you.
Your husband is simply choosing to spice up his ability to get sexual satisfaction.
Surprise him a little. Mix things up. Greet him at the door, naked, but for a nice apron.
If he is showering ask him if he'd mind you soaping his back in the shower.
He still loves you. He may even be enjoying some fantasies. so maybe play strip one evening and ask him to talk about his fantasies. If he delays coming up with a new fantasy then he needs to remove some clothing. Same criteria for you. Reward him after he shares each fantasy with you. don't judge. same criteria for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): No, its not trouble ahead. I am a female and sometimes I go through periods where I like to masturbate. Loosen up! Release your freak! Try engaging in masturbation with him; rub his penis, play with yourself in front of him, or lick his balls. Consider it another form of four play. Use it to add some romance to the bed room. Don't show him you are bother because that might cause trouble ahead.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): All men do.
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