A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been broken up with my boyfriend of 9 months for about 3 months now. For the first 2 months, we went back and forth with whether we could fix our problems and get back together. For example, he got upset with me that I didn't tell a male coworker that I had a boyfriend even though we were split up. We talked almost every day and at points it felt like we were still a couple. It was an LDR but he was someone I could see myself moving for in the future if things worked out. The last 3 weeks have been completely miserable for me. He stopped texting me, wouldn't answer my calls and didn't give any explanation for it at all. I was angry and said some mean things because I was hurt. I regretted them later and apologized. I even sent a package with home made cookies and a letter apologizing because it was really uncharacteristic of me but felt it was necessary to apologize for.Things were still weird and he wasn't really texting me so I took the hint and backed off but within a day or 2 of me doing that, he started texting me again. Whenever this pattern happens (I stop reaching out to him, he texts me and I answer) he randomly stops talking after a few texts despite being in the middle of a conversation. There's never an explanation for it and he acts like it didn't happen days later.I've given him the opportunity to tell me he doesn't want me in his life anymore and pretty much begged for him to say it if it's what he wanted. He still says things like we can always reevaluate down the road to see if we can work out. It's too painful to feel like my emotions are intentionally being pulled around. I just sent him a long text telling him how I feel about everything including how his actions are hurting me and how I can't continue being the only one who cares. I know I'm not going to get a response and that hurts. I don't know why I'm putting myself through this pain but honestly can't stop myself. I feel like most of my thoughts are consumed about him and all the things we did together when we were great. Even though I feel pathetic for trying to beg him to talk to me, I just don't want to let go yet even though I know deep down we're not going to work out. I wouldn't want to be with someone in the long run who treated me like this anyway.I'm the type of person who needs closure. It will forever bother me that I don't know why he suddenly turned so cold and distant but then plays games with my head to keep me around. He has never been that type of person and I don't know why he's suddenly like this now. I check my phone obsessively hoping he's texted me and always feel so devastated when I see he hasn't.He has clearly moved on and doesn't care about me or my feelings. Is there any advice you can give me to finally let him go?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 October 2014):
 Wow! I hardly ever see a response like yours. You knew I wasn't trying to be harsh, and you just made my day here by your response. Thank you for taking my words to heart and doing what is necessary.
I know it's easier said than done. If you have a friend who knows your situation, maybe ask her if you can call her every time you feel like contacting the guy, because that will be pretty difficult to uphold when he tries to reel you back in, or you feel that emptiness.
Also, fill the void with activity. Replace your habits with new and better ones. Good luck to you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for taking the time back to reply. Youwish.. At first I was defensive about your answer but now that I've read through it a few more times I know my defensiveness was only because I knew you were 100% correct. I took your advice and blocked him on my phone and social media. Thanks for giving it to me straight and saying exactly what I needed to hear. Wish you both the best and thanks again.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 October 2014):
Ahh geeze. You aren't wanting closure and you know it. You've gotten 100 times the closure many people get when relationships go sour, deconstructing your relationship for 2 months after it ended. Anyone who hasn't gotten closure from that isn't wanting closure in the slightest bit. You're resisting closure, going crazy because you DON'T want your relationship to end, wanting the contact to continue, getting mad, sending cookies, all of that.
You even said - you wanted things to WORK OUT. You want him back and are using the "closure" excuse to keep contacting him to demand closure. Come on now. That sort of obsession gets restraining orders against you.
Your ego keeps you begging and grabbing and texting and sending messages, when what you SHOULD be doing is GOING NO CONTACT. You can't handle the loss and rejection, which is why the going back and forth, the "LTR" thing, the saying mean things to him when he went quiet, the gifts and such...
You need to stop talking to him. Stop texting him. Block him and de-friend him. If you have broken up, you have BROKEN UP! You can't move on because you're not letting yourself. YOU are your own closure, and you both have talked to death the end of your relationship.
Why do you need him to TELL you he doesn't want you in his life anymore?? Isn't that what the BREAKUP signifies?? If he broke up with you, that means "I don't want you in my life anymore". That's what breaking up is, which is why the whole ridiculous "Let's still be friends" nonsense is so detrimental....YOU DON'T REMAIN FRIENDS WITH YOUR EXES. EVER. Not if you want to move on.
You get your closure by cutting off all contact and acting as if he is dead to you. If he tries to send mixed signals by texting you, block him and cut him off. His playing that game is a load of crap as well.
End it. End the games, end the gifts, end the calls and texts, end the association, end the caring and the feelings, and end this chapter in your life. THIS is your closure. As long as you're pining and begging, you can never move on, and any other guy who might come across your path who may be 10 times the man this guy is you'd completely miss.
So end it. For good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): It sounds like he is just stringing you along. He just wants to know that someone out there wants him or he has a back up for whenever he needs a pick me up. In other words he doesn't care. You need to find someone who wants to be with you for you. Don't waste your time on something that isn't worth it. Find a guy who will make you his number one forever girl not his for the minute girl.
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