A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and Uncles, I guess I am scratching my head with my situation and really could do with some objective input.I'm married to a guy who is 13 years my senior. We have been together for 10 years and are complete opposites. When things are great, they are great! However, in the past few years I feel life has nibbled away at our relationship and we keep coming up against the same problems.My husband is very opinionated, alpha male-ish. He is caring, chatty, sociable and protective. He is also dominant, arrogant and very self righteous. In the past 5 years we have married, not managed to have the children we wanted (due to my health issues) and watched and cared for my closest family member during terminal illness. I have had depression, he has struggled to cope with it, we have had money worries, redundancy threats - you name it, it has happened. Yet, I notice that when things are going well, it takes one disagreement and every past wrong doing /mistake get's lobbed back in my face. There has been a repeatition of comments like 'if you don't like it, move out' or 'you never make any right decisions/ all you do is make mistakes.' Now that my closest relative has passed away and I am greiving, I am finding it a bit much.Don't get me wrong, I am not a victim but I do feel undervalued and hurt that any past or perceived mistakes do not stay in the past, they just seem to get wheeled out at conflict for re-hashing.My question is: does there come a point when you think there is more bad then good in a marriage? Can things actually turn around when one person is adamant that he is always rright and blameless? Also is right that during bereavement you get the chance to be part of your partners famiy's life event and instead they make you feel that you shouldn't and that it is 'their family' not 'yours?' I'm kind of angry about the last issue as it was fairly recent (past 48 hours) and comtemplating staying at a friends for a few days.Hope you can advise me :(
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (5 October 2014):
 Yes there does come a point where the bad outweighs the good. It happened to me. I watched a beautiful marriage slowly crumble before my eyes and in the end I couldn't wait to get away from my husband. 16 years just went out the window. He had always been dominant, a know it all a little too outspoken, but he had many good qualities. He was also 10 years older than me and I figured he was older wiser and let him take the lead.
Over time he just grew more demanding, more pushy bossy, and then when he started to drink and wouldn't seek help..that was it. The last 3 years of my marriage I knew I was falling out of love with him. He refused to get help, go to counseling, and I just wanted out. Nothing was ever his fault, you could never just have a conversation with him. He was always right.
Well now he's always right..and always alone.
Only you know how bad things are, what you want to put up with. Life is short, and for me...I just wanted out. I never shed a tear after I left him, he had just become someone that I didn't want to spend my life with.
Perhaps you can try counselling?
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 October 2014):
 Ahhhhhh, the joys of marraige! You 2 sound completly 'normal' I don't think there are two people on the planet that can live togethether in perfect harmony. There are always two points of view on everything. Just think of the good times and block out the bad. You'll grow old together and die in each other's arms if you're lucky.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (5 October 2014):
Ahhhhhh, the joys of marraige! You 2 sound completly 'normal' I don't think there are two people on the planet that can live togethether in perfect harmony. There are always two points of view on everything. Just think of the good times and block out the bad. You'll grow old together and die in easch other's arms if you're lucky.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 October 2014):
 He's older than you so it's very unlikely that he would take your considerations and different opinion on board. The only kind of women that would work for him is the submissive kind and letting him make all the decisions. It also means you have to defer everything to him and surrender. You may feel like you can only respect a man unconditionally if everything (finance, sex, harmony in the house) is in order. I don't know what kind of money troubles you have or is it solved yet. When he said "you never make right decisions, you always make mistakes." I sense some defensiveness here. It's obvious he has some confidence issues as a husband and when he attacks you, it is to give himself power and resume his ego status. He also seems to have a tendency to blame you.
Everyone has their own way to grieve when family member dies. He believes in doing it in private. He may not be able to relate to your pain, or how to comfort you so he just left you alone. If it absolutely pains you to see him feeling indifferent then maybe it's a good idea to stay at a friend who has more empathy. But reassure him that you will be coming back and that you just need a few days.
You said when things are great, it's great! I think you are able to keep the marriage together. Some people say opposites attract initially then at the end it drifts apart. I would suggest you to not be pessimistic. The only common thing you need is that you want to be together. It's inevitable that there is some bad in marriage but try to keep it at a ratio of 5:1. 5 good days to 1 bad day. On bad days it will seem like this is what you have all the time. It's easy to exaggerate the bad and forget the good. Hopefully when you remove yourself from the environment and the resentment you will have some fresh perspective when you come back.
I believe your husband deep down knows that he is not perfect but he needs his wife to support him and make him feel like a king. I think your marriage can work. You have to try to remember what attracted you to him at the first place. You don't have to be right. The more important thing is that you love him no matter what. Yes even the stubborn him.
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