A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok here is my problem. Me and my husband have two kids and have been together for six years. I recently discovered he's been watching porn behind my back after promising he wouldn't but I let that go without even getting mad at him. Well, I was upset but didn't tell him and told him as long as I get more attention and don't see it I'll leave it alone. Well he recently has been getting extremely protective of his phone, to the point he leaves it in his truck locked at night with the keys under his pillow. When we were at his brothers house I went outside to get my cigerettes out of the car so I could smoke and my sis in law said the whole time he was acting nervous and kept trying to go to the door and acted aggravated that his brother was trying to talk to him. I didn't go through his phone but after hearing that I wondered if I should of. It's close to christmas and I got a new cell phone from my mom so I let him use my old one since it was better than his. The next day I asked him if I could make sure that I got all my numbers off of it and finish getting my ringtones off and he said yes and went to bed. I glanced at the calls to see if anyone tried to call me since I didn't give out my number to everyone yet and found a weird number on the phone. It looked like a bill collector number that's called me before and I thought I took care of it so I put the number in my phone to call it and see why they were still calling me. Well a woman answered the phone, and was not a bill collector. I told her I got the number off my hubby's phone and what I thought it was and she said no. Then I asked her if she knew my hubby and told her his name and she said no so I got off the phone and figured it was a wrong number. I glanced at the phone and noticed it was an outgoing call, not incoming and they talked for several minutes. Kinda long for a wrong number but again blew it off. This morning at 7 a.m. he sent me a text cussing me out asking why I would call a number off his phone. If she has no idea who he is and said it was a wrong number, how did he talk to her to know I called? And that early in the morning? I told him what had happened and that if I was wanting to know who a number he called belonged to I would ask him like I have before. I found a written number with Jamie as the name before and it actually was a guy ( I did call that one to find out because I didn't know how Jamie could be a guy's name but he was telling the truth) He just told me bull sh** and got really defensive. I told him I guessed it wasn't a wrong number and asked who it was, and he will not write me back. (he's at work but I know when his breaks are, we text every day at those times until two weeks ago) I'm a pretty easy going wife, stay at home with the kids, clean the house, get up in the morning to make his breakfast before work, dinner and his lunches for during the day. I agreed to let him keep his porn and not give him hell about it, anything he wants to do in bed I do and we have sex everynight and sometimes in the mornings. He goes through my phone, facebook and such anytime he wants and it doesn't bother me at all because I have nothing to hide. But if I get near his phone or ask about anything of his he gets defensive and hides everything. I don't know what to do, am I wrong in thinking he's talking to someone?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry it's been so long since I've gotten back here, I haven't been able to get to a computer. ALOT more has happened since I last wrote. It was one of his friends that told me about the porn, and also said he's been on find local singles chat sites. I found a singles site on his phone and all of the sudden his friend is no longer alowed around us and he quite talking to him. I've found out about women he's hung out with when he would take off for hours with his friend.I've tried talking to him but it never does any good. He says we have sex whe he has porn, but does that mean he has to look at someone else to get worked up for me? For the past year and a half we'd only do anything once a month when it was twice a day, then all of a sudden he's wanting it everyday and tring tons of new things. I wonder if it was just porn he got his ideas from. He says I'm insecure and a prude because I don't like the porn ( even though I do most of what they do in the videos already ), that I don't do enough for him and my tits are not big enough. Also that I'm not creative enough in initiating sex but after a month of setting up the room, getting myself done up and trying just to get shut down I get tired of trying. He never starts anything, he can't even compliment me on anything. I've worked out and down to a size 7 after having 2 kids. Yet he jerks off in the bath, and at night when he goes "to bed" before me. Every chance he gets he does even after just telling me no. And when we do it's porn sex, no emotion involved.To answer some questions I do everything with the kids. All feedings, baths and putting them to bed. He just plays with them some in the evenings when they're not fussy. All of this is way off the way he usually acted, saying the least. He had brought up watching porn in the past but agreed not to involve it in our realationship. But then I found his stsh in our room hidden. He's said he promises no more porn, broke his phone and comes home in better moods, in general treats me better but I don't really believe him. Oh yeah, his excuse about the singles site was a guy at work used his phone though it had my hubby's info, of course I'm just insane and imagined that. I've stopped doing alot of the things I used to for him, and he's not too happy about it.I've tried to bring up counseling but he won't, I've tried talking to him non confrontational like one man suggested, asking him if there was anything I didn't know that had been bothering him, if there was anything I didn't know about. I told him if there was and he told me we could talk about it and try to just put it behind us as long as he was honest with me. But he won't admit to doing anything wrong. I love him, I just want him to be honest with me. I'm done being a housekeeper. I don't want to bend over backwards to keep someone happy if they don't even care. I'll admit my self esteem has gone down but I'm working on it. Thank you to all who has written, it has given me some ideas on how to handle this and given me several things to think about.
A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (19 December 2010):
 It's sad I know that you now have to re think your life. My husband and I leave our mobiles anywhere in the house. If he wants to look at it he can and I can look at his. Because theres no suspicious behaviour from him, i never look at his phone. Your husband has strung himself up and given the game away with his guilty carrying on and silly behaviour. He must have thought you wouldnt start wondering about all this but how wrong he was. I hope you find someone who will treat you better than this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): He's definitely hiding something. Locking up his phone and sleeping with the keys under his pillow??? either that or he's got some mental disorder like some neurotic paranoia.
The more you say nothing, whether it be about his porn or whatever, the more liberties he will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to say thank you to everything you wrote, I do need to stop being a "doormat". I am so tired of living my life this way. I finally got ahold of his phone tonight and he is on an singles chatsite, I'm having my mom watch the kids tomorrow and telling him he needs to leave. Again thank you very much, I just wish I didn't even have to ask this question.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): See this for what it is. It is abuse and intimidation, plain and simple. From my perspective, these are two things that do not belong in a marriage. He doesn't want you to know about his private life... then he is not a friend of the marriage... He isn't your friend and I wouldn't trust him further than I could throw him.
Do I think he's cheating? Yep.
What should you do? First of all, stop kissing his behind. Second, stand up for yourself. Third, find out why you have been willing to go along with his sexually dysfunctional issues... eg., porn.... and why you've been so eager to service him. I'm married... and there's a huge difference between having a loving and intimate sexual life with your husband and what you have described... it almost sounded as if you were completely beaten down... led to believe that you were nothing more than a functionary... Think more of yourself. You are a human being, not a slave... and marriage isn't a prison.
Your life is an amazing gift... treat it like one. If all this dude sees himself as is a king... with you as his subject... and that he is free to do as he pleases (porn, etc...) and is engaging in activities that are suspicious...
I'd nail his balls to the walls. I will never understand why a woman would accept anything less than love and devotion from their spouse... you 'allowing' him to indulge in his porn is almost as if you've thrown in the towel concerning what you can expect from him. You have no reason to do that to yourself. Never lower your standards just for the sake of getting along... There is absolutely no healthy reason why a man needs to look at other naked women and people having sex (porn). The idea behind marriage is that he has chosen his sexual mate. If this dude hasn't, then I think it is time he received an ultimatum to do so.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Can't you just look at the bill? See incoming and out going numbers? Then check them with white pages.com?
His actions sounds mightily suspicious.
Oh and I really think Auntie Jilly hit the nail on the head.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): I think you're pretty spot on! Especially as you have written four paragraphs clearly and concisely describing how your husband is behaving in a very defensive manner. So if it's not a female who he's hooking up, he sounds as though there is something he's not declaring.
What concerns me is how YOU SEE yourself, as frankly reading some of your comments - and forgive me - You sound like a 'Housekeeper' servant, in a role of parent, as though you 'allow' him to keep his porn, so long as he's a good boy in other ways. You state: " I'm a pretty easy going wife, stay at home with the kids, clean the house, get up in the morning to make his breakfast before work, dinner and his lunches for during the day. I agreed to let him keep his porn and not give him hell about it, anything he wants to do in bed I do and we have sex everynight and sometimes in the mornings " That is not 'easy' that is 'DOORMAT and HOUSEKEEPER' What does he do for YOU and the children, what part does he take in the home?
You know a lot of women by their actions tend to attract men who use, as they don't say what they want from a relationship, or in your case, what you don't and won't tolerate. You don't say if pornography has been part of your life since you met, or if it's something he has just started to introduce into YOUR home. Yes, it's you home, where you have children, so is he locking him self away to participate in this whilst his children are at home, instead of doing normal, healthy family things with his children. Or do you do all that as well.
I hate to think of women ending up married to such men, where they constantly try to please him by being too pliable and letting him act like he's a child. Please, try to take control of this situation. Talk to your husband, don't accept his defensive behaviour, remain calm and ask for the information you want. Being afraid of pushing this, is not going to get you the truth, well it may do, but not until you've lived in a constant insecure state of what he's up to, as whatever it is, it will have to surface at some point, so deal with it head on. As for the pornography, only you know if you really don't like it, for me, I wouldn't tolerate it in anyway, shape or form - as I know how destructive it is used on a regular basis. It erodes real intimacy and those that do participate on a regular basis start to get hooked, and it just escalates, not healthy, that is why it's called porn.
You are entitled to know about this number, this female, and why he hides his phone, sleeps with it under his pillow. The sooner you deal with it, the better, but you have to know in your own mind, IF the outcome is not what you want find out,
what YOU will do.
No offence has been meant by my posting, as I often say, I just so want women to really think about what and who they allow into their lives..and especially husbands, it has to work for the two people, not just the man.
Keep us posted.
Jilly
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (17 December 2010):
He's definately up to no good. Otherwise his phone would be on the table or out in the open. Not locked up somewhere. You've known him long enough now to know when somethings not right. So what you do now is demand that he owns up to what he is acting guilty of. Otherwise you could always try to find a way to get his phone and do some research so you can find out once and for all.
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A
male
reader, Finn +, writes (17 December 2010):
The question to ask yourself is whether or not this is out of character for your husband. Is your husband uptight and private with you in other ways? If you have two children together, then you must have been with him long enough to know whether this behavior is normal or abnormal for him.
That said, it all sounds hella suspicious to me. I'd talk to him, but in a spirit of love, not confrontation. If he feels attacked, he'll shut down. If you're loving, then at least there's a chance he'll be open with you.
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