A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:About 3 years ago I found out that my husband had been joining dating sites, and chatting and cheating on me with other women he had met on these sites. This had been going on behind my back for 5 years. I realise how good he is at keeping secrets because I had never suspected a thing.Besides all the tears, arguments, counselling etc since then, things have calmed down in the marriage and we seem to be getting along, much the same as I though we always did, which is why what he had been doing came as such a massive shock to me. There had been no signs, not that I had been looking anyway. Today I looked at his phone (without him knowing), whic I havent done in months, and I found a text message from an old female school friend of his. She had texted on xmas day, but he hadnt told me. I also see that he has texted her back with his work email address, as she asked for it due to organising a get-together in a few month's time. (possibly a reunion of some sort).Now if I confront my husband with these texts I saw on his phone he will make the issue about the fact that I snooped and looked on his phone, instead of the fact that he is keeping another secret from me about an old female school friend. Any ideas on how I should approach this issue, do I say nothing, or something at the risk of starting an argument? Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): Thanks Sageoldguy1465, your story made me feel like a gullible fool. I ended up asking him about it all on the phone today. He ended up apologising for not telling me. His reason for not telling me, didnt think it was important. Dont worry, I know what a secret keeper he is and I thank you all for your comments.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (18 January 2013):
 You write: "..I guess the main problem with it is that he is keeping it a secret, even though it is all probably just innocent...." Sure it is.... Makes me think of this story....
A guy was in a bar and said to the cute girl sitting near him, "I can tell when a girl was born, just by touching her breasts."
The girl was incredulous at his boldness, but - nonetheless - was curious and said to him, "If you're so certain, see if you can to that with me...."
So, she removed her blouse and brassiere and he touched her breasts... then fondled them a little longer. After about 30 minutes of this fondling, she said, "Well... it's been quite a while.... can you tell when I was born?"
He said, "Sure, yesterday....."
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (18 January 2013):
 Let's face it, you are never going to trust him again...and why should you unless he is showing you 100% commitment, but you can't expect him to have zero contact with the entire female population forever...cos that's just stupid. He, however needs to be aware that you are going to be skittish because he broke the trust.
The text could just be an old school friend organising a reunion, or it could be more. If he was a faithful husband you probably wouldn't be worrying and checking up on him at all...but now you are digging, your going to be suspicious over every little thing...are you sure you can handle this for the rest of your life?
More counselling is needed to reassure you.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 January 2013):
Hi there. How did you find out the first time, that he had been previously cheating on you for 5 years?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): As the original poster of this question, I would like to thank you all for the time and thought you have put in to answering me.
I am glad to have received different angles on this plus good balanced advice.
I guess the main problem with it is that he is keeping it a secret, even though it is all probably just innocent.
I believe that he prefers female friends over male ones but doesnt know how to achieve this whilst being married.
His father is also a massive secret keeper and his wife has complained to me on several occasions about this.
Anyway, I think I have decided to just keep quiet about it for a while and keep an eye on the emails on his phone.
I mean he cant really do much worse than what he had been doing previously except now if he does it again then it wont be such a shock to the system.
And Spunky Monkey, I have often asked myself that same thing.
Thank you also to the males who answered, giving me a male's perspective is really helpful as I dont have another man to run it past.
Thank you also to You Wish, your answer alerted me to things I hadnt thought of, re the fact that he gave his work email, etc
I really wish it would all just go away and I wonder why he had to place me in all this predicament. I should have known him and his family upbringing better before I decided to marry him. Thank you again,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): I totally agree with You_Wish. by cheating on you in the past, he has by default forfeited all right to private correspondences now and for the foreseeable future until YOU decide when. Therefore, your snooping isn't wrong in this circumstance as he should have made his phone and email open to you to begin with.If he feels that he has a right to privacy now, despite his past adultery, then I would seriously call into question if this marriage should continue. That's really what it boils down to. Does he value your marriage over his right to private correspondence given that he was the one who put this marriage into jeopardy in the first place. f he wants to continue being married to you, and yet also want to continue having privacy in his conversations with other women, then IMO that's a no-go and that's a signal that maybe this marriage should be terminated. And he has to know that.Don't get me wrong, you don't "have" to divorce, many women DO live their entire lives in a state of discomfort knowing that their husbands are still cheating or could be at any time. For whatever reason, they just really do not want to divorce even though they are forced to accept that he doesn't want to stop cheating or keeping the door open for it. In the end it's just your own personal choice of what you are willing to tolerate in exchange for what. I do think that if he refuses to give up his privacy, it does put the marriage into a totally different context with different goals and decisions to be made.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): he hasn't really done anything wrong in this instance. yes, you're still working on trust from his previous lies, but that doesn't mean he has to tell you literally EVERYTHING about everything. when trust is broken, yes, measures need to be taken to build that trust back. but at the same time, you also still need to respect each other and each others space. If you start acting paranoid and expect explanations for everything, and not allowing him to have certain privacies and friendships, it will only make things worse. treating the relationship differently than before will only be a recipe for disaster. try and act like you did before the trust was broken.Afterall, it's not like he was sending dirty pics, or saying anything inappropriate to her or vice versa. they were just exchanging information for some sort of a reunion. sounds completely innocent to me. anyway, good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 January 2013):
It doesn't sound like he did anything wrong... maybe I'm missing something here, but I wouldn't say anything. I agree with YouWish about snooping to a point, however if he seems to be faithful then it's a good way to ruin your relationship.
If there's something to the messages that I missed that implies guilt then by all means confront him. If he tries to switch it to you snooping simply state that were not talking about snooping we're talking about you cheating! Switching the topic is a typical tactic but you can't be worried about it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 January 2013):
 Here's the thing:
When a guy has already been caught cheating in the past, he's disqualified from taking issue with snooping, and if he tries, you take issue with his not telling you about the text, because the number one crucial ingredient to rebuilding trust is full and complete disclosure.
This means, he should have already given you eager access to his phone records, his email, his facebook passwords, and his complete schedule. It takes time to rebuild trust after an affair, and because you made the decision to stick with him, the cost is full and eager cooperation in reassuring you that trust is being rebuilt.
You tell him that, and you cause the argument. He either is interested in working on the marriage, which means you are allowed to see anything and everything until YOU are satisfied in his trustworthiness, or the marriage stops, and you can kick his tail to the curb. It takes many years to reestablishing trust after an affair, and if he's in it for the long game, he'll understand that.
Now, the texts you saw don't necessarily mean he's cheating again, but the disclosure issue should be addressed by you. If he takes issue, tell him that you weren't the one who cheated, and that these conversations with him reassure you that he's still on the up and up, and that if he wants to maintain trust, he needs to tell you these things.
However, I wouldn't take that route if it were me. I'd say and do nothing and pretend I didn't see anything and watch and monitor any ongoing correspondence between the two. I would do that because his giving a professional email address (which you can't see) is irregular and not good.
So either way you want to go, I'd also take issue with his redirecting a woman's correspondence to a private site as suspicious, and you are well within your rights to take him to task. You did the forgiving and he did the cheating.
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