A
female
age
41-50,
*exter
writes:Last year I was ill and me and my partner moved to a new location. He was going back and forth between his old house when he was selling it and our new home. During my illness I got really out of shape and got the feeling he no longer desired me.I started to get a nagging feeling that he was in to someone else. He started cycling loads, bought new clothes, his mobile phone was often turned off when he was away, when he was at home he started taking calls in another room.This went on for months, and when he finally sold his house he was still finding reasons to go back to the town we came from. He has always been a considerate bloke, so no change there.However, when I went to a family party there was a girl there, a friend of the family and he was acting really shiftily around her, he wouldn't sit next to her and the two of them kept stealing glances at each other. I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.I just don't know what to say to him, if I am wrong I will sound like a crazy paranoid women, but this is eating me up inside and I really need to know if my gut instinct is correct. I don't know his email password and he never lets his mobile out of his sight. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): It sounds very much like he is cheating, so confront him.
And as you have now met the girl, you could go and see her if you chose to. You could ask her what she thinks she is doing.
But really, you issue is with him, because he is the one you are in a relationship with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Install a keylogger on his computer and get a sim card for his phone... you'll uncover whatever it is you believe you need to see.
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A
female
reader, Bexter +, writes (4 December 2010):
Bexter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all you answers, if he was seeing someone else it was a while ago. Of course he has denied it and I can't prove anything either way unfortunately.
Maybe the fact that I brought it up means that if anything did happen he will know that I almost caught him out. If I start getting the feeling the omething untoward is going on again I'll make sure I am more methodical and I'll have a better idea of what to look out for and how to catch him out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): "I just don't know what to say to him, if I am wrong I will sound like a crazy paranoid women, but this is eating me up inside and I really need to know if my gut instinct is correct."
Sorry, but there isn't any easy way through this. I was the crazy paranoid man several years ago, confronted my wife, we had angry arguments and finally resolved them (I was being mistrustful and controlling), and my gut was wrong and my gut told me later that I was just paranoid and mistrustful.
Years later in counseling she admitted that she lied to me. I wasn't paranoid, she was having/had an affair, she had lied to me and three counselors.
So, just remember, when this kind of stuff happens you can't trust your gut either way it talks to you, and sometimes you can't trust anyone else either.
All you can do is do your best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Regarding your update. His getting angry is a bit worrying. You would think he would do his best to reassure or even think it amusing and have a laugh with you about it.So for now be wary. Things still may be ok. But you would be justified to keeping an eye out for odd behaviour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): If you are seriously concerned about your future with him and his odd behaviour, you could always install a key logger on the home computer for a while. I know its not a nice thing to do. But if his response to questions is to lose his temper and shout at you, a key logger might be a less stressful, more reliable option for discovering the truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Ah the classic deflection, didn't I say he'd try to do that?
That was the "I'm hurt you don't trust me" ploy. So he didn't explain anything. Just tried to deflect the blame back on you. That's a classic one too.
Then you know what's up then. Don't feel foolish, his deflection is a load of shit. You were right and now have even more of a reason to be suspicious. Don't for a minute think you deserve any less than full disclosure.
Don't let him try and turn this back around on you. He owes you an explanation, you're not a fool so don't let him fool you. He's trying to mess with your emotions so you'll feel bad about asking again, but you have to get to the bottom of this. He's up to something and his deflection was cowardly ploy.
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A
female
reader, Bexter +, writes (3 December 2010):
Bexter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all, I just asked him and he wasn't very happy about it, he told me he would never do that and that what I said was really hurtful. quite angry and asked me what I would do if he was half an hour late back from work - would I think he was cheating then. He started to get quite cross.
I said to him that if he had nothing to hide then there was no reason to be angry and shout at me.
I still don't know what to think and now I just feel like I have been nasty I feel foolish.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): You are driving yourself crazy with imaginings, which may or not be true, so you need to talk to him about this. Don't do it in an accusing why, just explain your fears as rationally as you can and see what he says. At least he will know you are on to him if there is something going on, and you can judge from there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Ask him what's going on. None of these things you describe are normal nor are you paranoid, let me say that again you're NOT paranoid. You're suspicious and you have good reason to be.
There are too many variables there, too many inconsistent behaviours he is definitely hiding something.
Don't accept anything but complete open honesty. Seriously, you must be aware of the excuses he might come up with from past relationships or other relationships you've seen. The biggest one will be "you're paranoid" that's not an explanation that's a deflection. You're already worried that you might be paranoid so it would be very easy to believe that if he says that's what you're being, don't accept that. Do not let him deflect this back on you, confront him about every detail. Accept nothing less than a solid, reasonable explanation for each behaviour. It's very important he explains every detail logically. If it doesn't satisfy your suspicions completely then he's not being completely truthful.
All of the above is in the assumption he's a great liar or that you love him so much that he can easily feed you a crock of shit and you'll believe it. This will be much easier if you're actually good at spotting lies from him. Trust your gut not your heart. If something still feels wrong then don't let this go. Most importantly do NOT let him convince you're being paranoid, your suspicion is very reasonable and the only thing that he should be able to do to convince you otherwise is give you complete open and reasonable explanation for every detail.
Don't let him emotionally blackmail you by throwing the "you should trust me" or "i can't believe you'd accuse me" etc etc these are all deflections. Really if he tries to deflect then he's a rat trying to cover his tracks. Do not let him deflect.
I had something similar with my girlfriend before. I was organizing a surprise birthday party for her. So I guarded my phone, would go into other rooms to talk on it, made really bad excuses as to where I'd be. Now I was organizing this with her best friend and whenever the 3 of us were out we couldn't help but exchange mischievous glances because this party was going to be huge, we were both really happy that we were going to make this the best day of her life. We created a fake profile on facebook to message all her friends to go. I would quickly close my facebook chat or other IM's when she came into the room. I mean what else can she have thought?
About a week before the party itself I came home to see my girl in tears, absolutely distraught. She had put all my behaviour together and came to the conclusion that me and her friend had been cheating on her. But seriously it only took literally ten minutes to calm her down and convince her otherwise because I told her everything straight away. No party is worth hurting her. I gave her my phone to look through, all the messages me and her friend exchanged. I was able to show her a good reason for every little thing she had seen. Everything. I did not deflect, nor did I get upset that she didn't trust me, she had every reason to be suspicious. I showed her every call I made, was able to tell her where I was the times I had made excuses. I basically ended up telling her every little detail of the party we had planned for her.
I showed her my IM chatlogs, emails, rang her friend and told her what happened and she came over too and explained everything. Without prompting our stories matched completely because frankly it was all the truth. We all felt really bad about it for a little while afterwards. My girl felt bad that she had suspected us, but it's understandable that she did. So me and her friend felt bad that we went behind her back like that, even though our intentions were good we still ended up hurting her.
It was sorted quickly though we then got drunk that night and laughed about it and the party was awesome.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/women-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Just talk to him and ask him if he still loves you. It is not paranoid if you tell him that it was because of his behavior at that family party. Do not worry, you are only concerned about whether or not he still wants to be with you and such concerns are entirely reasonable. Confront him.
Then again, if you did confront him, do you trust him enough to tell you the truth? Would he lie about something like this? Just things for you to consider.
I hope that helps.
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