A
female
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anonymous
writes:My ex bf and I broke up about a year ago because he was moving to a state up north and I live in the South. We really loved each other and now he goes to school in the south (still not in my state tho) and we have met once since to hang out. We talked about getting back together but it all went downhill when he went back up north for some holidays and he didn't call me as much, etc. Now I will see him again. We still act like a couple, we call each other and none of us are dating anyone nor are we interested in anyopne else. He has said he can't see me as just his friend. So I have no idea what we are. We have no title. This is fine by me, the problem is that if he is not my bf I feel that doing things with him sexually will be wrong. I love him and I love being with him and doing things that couples do but I don't know if I should bring that up. I don't want him to feel that I am pushing for a serious relationship because I am not. I just think that if we are not officially dating, we should not do stuff. What do you guys think? Is it okay to do things? I don't want to be a friend with benefits because I love him and don't want to get hurt. What can I do? Thanks
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female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (29 April 2007):
 Rule one of breaking up : No sex with the ex.
You're only gonna hurt yourself more if you carry on this way. My friend was in the same position and then he found someone else and she hurt a lot more than she had to because she was sleeping with him after their break up.
I really don't want to hurt you by saying this but he may be using you for sex while he finds someone else...
Just watch yourself hun. Sex is for couples who are truely devoted to each other. You need to separate completely from him now. I know it's hard, but believe me, it's best.
Find someone who'll do anything for you. But not now. Have some time to yourself and take care.
Good luck x
A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (29 April 2007):
 Your instints are right. If you do not want to get hurt, do not fall into the trap of becoming F**K buddies.
It could be enough for your ex but you may later miss the rest.
I feel very strongly about this as it should be all or nothing in a relationship but it is only my opinion.
If it feels wrong now, how do you think you will feel in six months time?
You do not have to push him into a serious relationship, you should do quite the opposite, take things slow.
There should only be sex is both people feel the same for each other and are in a relationship.
Angel of Love
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (29 April 2007):
 It's not morally wrong to sleep with each other when you've broken up. It comes down to a question of choice. Do you think you can separate your feelings for him enough to be able to have sex but not expect to get back together? Personally I couldn't but everyone is different. The other noter is right, it doesn't sound like you ever had any closure on your relationship since distance split you up, not one of you. I would say that because of this you're probably not in the position to have no strings sex with him but you know what's going on in your head better than I do.
CD
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A
male
reader, maverick +, writes (29 April 2007):
 Hello honey. Please don't fret. Many people are in the same situation as you. The way realtionships and sex are viewed varies from person to person, culture to culture. In your case - you are perfectly within your rights to want sexual encounters contained within a defined realtionship.
From the info you've given it sounds like you two did not really fall out of love - you only split due to moving. Your feelings would likely still be intact so that would explain how you are behaving with each other now.
First you should establish if he still feels for you (from what you say this is more than likely). If he does then suggest building a relationship and see how he reacts - if he says no then let go. If he says yes, it would be worthwhile for both of you to sit down an work out how you two could practically have a long distance relationship and what you two would want in a relationship.
Long ditance relationships have a lot more issues to consider than regular ones. The main being time spent together and the affordability of it.
How often do you want to see him? How often does he want to see you? How often could you realistically see each other? Could you two afford it? Would you get fed up with mobile phone conversations? Will you have a committed or open relationship? Are you definatley going to have any set dates for meeting up? Also, it could be could opportunity to both of you communicate both your views what makes a stable relationship.
The fact that you are not comfortable with doing things sexually outside of a defined realtionship but he seems to be ok with it - already shows that you two have a differing view on sex within relationships.
There is always the possibility that he doesn't want to pursue a relationship for whatever reason. In this instance, this would suggest moving on. As you've quite rightly said you "don't want to be a friend with benefits".
Please take care, M
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