A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello I would like to get your opinions on this:I've noticed how ironic it has been in the past 6 months how every time my BF's ex is online (Her Facebook shows she is online), he is also showing online but is unavailable to take my calls. I've been suspecting that him and his ex still keep in touch even though he promised me he blocked her.I was on Facebook this morning and noticed that she posted she couldn't sleep at 4am in the morning.. and his facebook shows that the last time he was online was at 4:30am. So I asked him while talking on the phone what time he went to bed, he said around 4am. I said : "Just to confirm, you're home after midnight and you're in bed watching youtube at night and not on the phone, right?" He got mad and cursed. I just said "Bye" and hung up. He knows and expects me to call him after work every day and today I didn't call him, he didn't call me either.If he wasn't on the phone with his ex or doing something he shouldn't be doing, why did he get so mad at my question and chose to ignore me and not call me the whole day?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 September 2017):
 OP it is time to end this relationship. Take a look at yourself in the mirror, where you always this needy and clingy? Or is it just since the trust has gone? Honestly you need to call it a day with this relationship, the more you stay with him the more you torture yourself.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 September 2017):
 A little background here...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-move-on-and-trust-him.html
OP, your understandable lack of trust in your boyfriend has turned you into a clingy, needy, and controlling woman. It seems he is not over his ex, if not romantically then emotionally anyway, and your controlling tactics are driving him further away and underground.
The simple truth is he can't be trusted. A some point you'll have to decide if this is what you want in life and if not, then put a period here and move on.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (8 September 2017):
 Maybe because he feels like he's been overwatched?
If you don't trust him, break up, it's pretty simple.
Nobody likes to feel like they're not trusted and being checked up on, so why would your BF feel any different?
You obviously don't trust him for a reason. He may be speaking to his ex, he may not. 1 way you don't believe him and if he is speaking to her, he's no good anyways, so what are you getting out of this relationship?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 September 2017):
 I am sure you have been on before about this. I haven't time to find the post but this all sounds very familiar and nothing sounds to have changed.
Your boyfriend will do what he wants to do, regardless of whether you are tracking and monitoring his (and he ex's) every move. You are just torturing yourself by checking on them both all the time. You cannot force them to stop contact. I would advise you to concentrate on making your relationship strong and happy so that he is not tempted to stray.
If you really don't trust him, then dump him and find someone who you can trust. Oh wait, this sounds like the advice given last time and yet, here we are again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2017): My goodness!!! How have you kept a boyfriend this long with such gestapo tactics? He has to answer to you like he's a grounded 14 year-old!
Lets just cut to the chase. Why do you keep this man as a boyfriend if you don't trust him? Do you have to P.I. his every move? Do you park outside his place and do surveillance?
When you have to make a guy account for his every move, police his calls, and interrogate him; it is well past the time to let him go. Better yet, he should let you go!
I think if he is chatting with his ex, you're giving him a good reason to call somebody for help!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2017): I understand your fears well, OP.Hugs for how terrible you must be feeling.You are entitled to the way you feel. You are not wrong and you are not here to be judged for how much anxiety this must be causing you. It's hard enough. Yes, you have a right to protect yourself and your heart. Your vigilance is a form of self preservation and it's quite a natural instinct.You are afraid of loss and in effect you hang on tighter.Your gut instinct may be speaking loud and clear. Or is it just paranoia? Therein lies your battle. You seem intent on finding answers because you hate the torment the situation is causing you. Therefore you are seeking some form of closure by closely monitoring your BF. Perhaps you want or need to know -either way - so you can walk away without regrets. However, living in misery is a regret in of itself. Perhaps regret from staying and trust issues causing the relationship to crumble, and you allowed it to get to that point when it might have been better to leave before you hated each other that much. You will just keep accusing him and the anxiety will keep building. Because you have chosen to believe he is lying to you. You have chosen to believe he is talking to his ex.It may be true or not but either way it then becomes a vicious cycle of you accusing him and him denying it. Over and over. Same cycle. Then somebody leaves.I can see why you are worried. You are seeing a pattern of behaviour here. It is not just a one off. It is consistent. And this is a red flag. Have there been other changes in his behavior? Has he been emotionally distant from you? Not into sex like before? Does his own thing without you? Have you noticed other signs? Do you feel close to each other? Has your relationship changed in the last 6 months?I think Facebook is so evil and enables wrong doing and cheating. Too many people at your fingertips who are accessible 24/7. Much too easy. Being friends with exes is never a good idea to begin with. Screw the idea of people can have mature relationships with an ex. That's bullshit. All exes do is cause trouble. They should stay in the past where they belong. And not be your friend on Facebook either.I would be pissed too and I too have had similar arguments with my bf about women on his FB.But I've learned that we cannot control them or keep them faithful. They have to want to make that choice for themselves and they need to be that kind of guy. In the end, if they are stepping out on you, it says something about them and not you. It is never your fault. They are the one with deficiencies and poor character. Why would you want a man who is so selfish to cast you aside and do what he wants without giving a second thought to how much he'd be hurting you. It's gotta make love turn to hate real quick.So, you must decide whether you trust him. Or you don't. If you do, stop questioning him and if you don't, then leave him.Just also wondering if he has given you reason not to trust him before? Or is trust something you struggle with in all relationships?Honestly, I agree, I think it's strange their Messenger active times are always linking up. You could be right. But he'd never tell you.Hard spot to be in. Tough call to make.Just know that if you keep at him and accuse him all the time, you will drive him away (quicker) and perhaps you might push him even closer to her.I'd lay low. Leave him be. Say nothing. For now. But keep watch. You will know when the moment comes to cut him off. They always slip up. But chances of this happening is when they think you have let your guard down.If you need the proof first, get it. If you know in your gut he is up to no good, just ditch him. You don't need an asshole like that making you feel like shit, like less than you are worth. You can do much better. Trust me, your self esteem sky rockets when you dump toxic people from your life. You find yourself again and it's an incredible experience. :)
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A
female
reader, ALM12 +, writes (8 September 2017):
 Honestly the truth comes out eventually. Don't be Ms. FBI play it cool. If it so happens the truth comes out don't point it out to him. Take mental notes and act accordingly
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 September 2017):
 Jeeez, OP are you his parole officer?!
If you are SO sure he is doing all this SHIT behind your back WHY are you with him?
It's ridiculous! What's next? A GPS tracker on his phone? A drone to fly over his head so you can watch him when you aren't around?
He got pissed off because enough is enough. He doesn't WANT to date someone who thinks it's her"right" to constantly accuse him and monitor him. And for goodness sake HOW is that even healthy?
You need to work on your issues with trust. If he in the past has done skeevy stuff then you should have DUMPED him for being untrustworthy, not become his judge, jury, and executioner.
HOW would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and HE was this controlling and accusing YOU of doing things HE didn't want YOU to do?
You need to work on yourself and how you deal with trust and insecurities. This is toxic behavior.
Sorry if that is blunt, but I can't even... begin to tell you how horrible this is FOR BOTH OF YOU!. If you live in a constant state of "fear" he "might" talk to the ex-GF or whatever and him to constantly "worry" about being confused and monitored like a 5-year-old with a cookie jar... IT IS NOT a healthy way to deal with these issues.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 September 2017):
 You don't own him. If your boyfriend wants to be awake at all hours "doing something he shouldn't be doing" as you put it, surely, as an adult that's his choice.
If you believe he is chatting with his ex at 4am then address that issue .... ask him that question "have you blocked X as promised, were you chatting with her at 4am"?
If you don't believe him when he answers then just pick up your purse and walk. If you believe he is a liar why hang around waiting for him to change. Life is too short for that so leave I'm be and go find somebody who is a better match for you.
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