A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:help, i feel so confused.I have been with my boyfriend a total of 7.5 years, the first few years of our relationship were good although he was quite jealous and parnoid. 4.5 years in, we split up because he wasn't sure about us and had died his feelings down for me. When we broke, we continued to see each other and I was a wreck. We gradually built up a friendship (although still had sex) and he had a brief relationship with someone. We eventually got back together again and then moved in together last year - I asked if he wanted to and he said yes.He is quite a negative person and cannot see the good things he has in his life.Things seem to be going well although there were a few down moments but that is life. We spoke about the future, having children and holidays etc. We had an arguement last weekend and it ended up with us breaking up - again he said he didn't know what he wants, is confused but can't work it out whilst we are together. he offered a break but I said I couldn't handle that and choose a break up - hardest decision I have ever made.I have moved some of my clothes out temporarly and only been in touch with necessary things. I stayed there last night and things were ok, he even tried it on but I said no.I just don't understand, we were talking about the future, enjoy the same things, have the same hobbies, outlook in life - where did it go wrong and is it too late? I love him with every inch of my body and just can't work out how he can spend so much time with me if he was that unhappy in the relationship. I want a future with him. Help xx
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female
reader, No_Nonsense  +, writes (18 February 2009):
 Hi there.
Sorry to hear you're in so much pain :(
If he's a negative person who can't see the good in his life and he is so confused, it still doesn't give him the right to play yo-yo with your feelings. It seems to have been quite a rollercoaster ride for you and i think it's time to step off it. I think what you need to do is have some distance between you. Sometimes this is what makes guys wake up and realise what they had and how stupid they were to lose it! If you're too available and always at his beck and call, he'll just take that for granted as he has been doing.
I know it's hard to go through this because you've been with him for so long and sometimes the break in routine is just as hard as the feelings of love one feels.
You ask how could he spend so much time with you if he was unhappy? The truth is that people do that all the time because they're afraid to let go or the unknown. But like i say, you don't deserve to be put through that for all those years! I think this breakup is going to show once and for all what the deal is with this guy, so see how he reacts to it. But I'd advise you DON'T let him have his cake and eat it, such as by sleeping with him while being friends. It's got to be more of a black or white issue now. You have to be strong and set standards for yourself where you won't be treated badly because, trust me, many guys out there will take advantage of girls and use them.
Take some time to see if you really want this guy! Sometimes we think we want something, but after time away from the drama, we realise we're better off.
And then, if he comes back, he's gotta show you that he's in it for real. No more playing around and wasting your time!
Good luck xx
A
male
reader, gumbbo +, writes (18 February 2009):
I'm sorry for your situation. I will be frank. He probably stayed with you because he couldn't be bothered to find another woman i thought you would do, he talked about those things because he was probably trying to talk himself into the idea of being with you, trying to see the benefits, the alternative would be to go back into the world or singles and search for someone else - everyone needs to feel secure and safe, even/especially men, no matter how macho. You were there, you loved him - that was good enough but in the end he just didn't love you the same, you weren't the one and ultimately he left you because he didn't want to wake up 15 years from now and regret not taking the gamble to find Miss Right. The thing about him trying it on is just cuz he could, you were there so why not?
I'm really sorry if this offends you, i bet your are brilliant. But 7.5 years? If it was real love he would have had you down the isle a long time ago or at least put the ring on your finger.
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