A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i can't even begin to figure this out, so i need to talk to someone. this guy and i were in love, and after a while he cheated. he didn't tell me until a few months after. i didn't want to talk to him, so we didn't talk for a few months. (he wanted me to forgive him without him even being sorry), seemed like a narcissist or psychopath to me, not the guy i thought i knew. he contacted me again and wanted me to forgive him, but he was lying about his current situation, he was with someone else, and didn't seem sorry that he hurt me. i'm confused because he said he really loved me didn't i know that, and that i was blowing every chance HE was giving ME! if he really loved me why did he cheat. he didn't answer that, except to say that he was a dirty cheater. i'm just so confused. over our relationship he did quit talking to me several times which hurt as well. it hurt so much, but i destroyed our relationship and pushed him away bc i no longer trusted him. i know there was alot of miscommunication going on as well. where i'm confused is how could he say he loved me and do that? make sense of this? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): I'm the other agony uncle (anonymous).
I suspected you might have brought baggage from previous relationship(s) into this latest one; very impressed by the honesty, understanding and insight expressed in your post.
I should have made clearer that sociopaths can be charming and brilliant in their own twisted ways, and this guy sounds like a genius at "reading" women, identifying their vulnerabilities and using them to his advantage.
I won't say you were a "victim" but I will suggest you were a "target." I suspect he saw or sensed something about you before his initial approach, that's why he chose you.
You've been through a very difficult period and will need time to recover, regroup and move forward but I have no doubt you'll emerge from this stronger and healthier than before. I also believe you have the potential to use your experience to help other abused women lacking your intuitive understanding and insight gain the strength
they need to break the cycle.
Best wishes, glad I could help.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 December 2011):
You weren't wrong. You were right, he was wrong. Always remember that, and continue to move forward with your life. You'll be much better for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you both so much : ) you hit the nail on the head, and I could use clarity and feedback, I haven't been able to think straight for a long time. I didn't realize my self-esteem to be so low, because I sure do feel angry at times (so much so that I wanted revenge when I started to kind of realize what happened). It's like it's almost too much for me to fully comprehend the reality of it. It seems my whole life has been screwed up because of this (I quit school, fell into depression, my health, etc). I know blame apparently isn't the way to go, I don't know. I do not want to show weakness or vulnerability to him, not anymore.He also turned the whole situation around on ME, saying that if he knew I was so screwed up he would have never have gotten involved with me! I feel like I became even more screwed up because of him. I was in an abusive relationship before, but it was more overt, this one was more covert and psychologically manipulative and damaging, it's like i'm still fighting him in my head, the things he said to me that I said nothing about, because I don't want him to know that he got to me. I was in therapy for the abusive relationship before.No, I DO NOT have contact with this guy any longer. It took everything I had to not let him in again...it's like I had to act like another person (or I was dissociated really), I basically had to cut off all of my feelings, quit caring, and be very strong-minded to block his attempts (and I couldn't/wouldn't even speak with him on the phone, I did it through text). I MEANT to push him away, I PURPOSELY sabotaged our relationship. I tried to turn things around on him, but I didn't quite feel like I stuck it to him, though I apparently hurt him somewhat and made him hate me, then dump me again (or stonewall). This time I did not call him crying and in pain.....how STUPID I was!!!!!!!!!!!!Yet somehow I still do doubt myself about if I was wrong and blew a good relationship by trying to turn things around on him. Before, I tried to keep our relationship "healthy". Ugh.I used to be more psychologically healthy. I think i'm heading in that direction again.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 December 2011):
You've answered your own question with your whole post.
This man never did love you, sorry to say. All he was really interested in was control. And that's all he's been interested in since.
During your relationship, he stopped talking to you on several occasions - that's stonewalling.
He also cheated on you - and didn't own up for months.
Then he expected you to forgive him - though he never said sorry.
He has since been lying about his situation - he is seeing someone else.
He's said he's giving you chance with him - and that you're blowing them.
He's not sorry he hurt you.
This man is appalling! He's the lowest of the low. He targets you because you are low on confidence and he thought he could control you. You're even blaming yourself for some of the things he's done because you think you pushed him away. That is the classic sign of someone who has been seriously emotionally abused.
Making sense of this is really easy - he's a lying control freak who targeted you specifically because you're lacking confidence. He enjoys knowing that he can treat you badly, and that you'll blame yourself.
Making sense of why you still blame yourself, and why you had this guy in your life in the first place is the real issue that you need to be working on. I desperately hope you've cut contact with him, and if you haven't, you need to do that right now.
I would then urge you to seek some counselling so you can find out why you're so underconfident, and why you blame yourself for his actions. This guy is entirely at fault, not you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): If he really loved you then he wouldn't have cheated.
If he said he really loved you and cheated then he was lying.
If even now you can't see all the red flags that were popping up from the start or how gullible you were to be so easily manipulated and strung along for several months, then you need counseling because you're going to fall right back into the same trap, either with this sociopath or worse.
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