A
female
age
36-40,
*exting_Love
writes:I'm 26 Male. She is 24 Female. Dated for 9 months.She's been with 18 men and has had a very promiscuous past. She told me she had been wild, but I had no idea how wild. She admitted to dating someone when she started talking to me, but I blame myself for that. We never discussed dates and she thought I only wanted to hang out as friends for the first couple of months until I tried to kiss her.Now I'm sitting here and wondering what to think. She hasn't cheated on me, or at least I wouldn't consider it cheating if she thought we were only friends. The guy she was with was a douche too. We became exclusive about a 3 months ago. I know she hasn't cheated and has been very loyal (I have ways of knowing) ever since we became exclusive, but her past concerns me. I know she has a history of sexual abuse in her past. She was weird about sex too. She had no problem in casual sex in the past. I think she is genuinely trying to turn over a new leaf, but I just don't know what to do or even say. What should I do? I know she's trying, but I just don't know where to go from here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): With a history of sexual abuse- your view of your body, your self worth, and the inimate purpose of sex is distorted to varying degress. Some are so damaged that they themselves become sexual abusers. Not to say its excused but understanding is important. Its a part of prevention, healing, forgiveness.Some survivors of sexual/incest abuse either become extremely promiscuous or very protective of their bodies, their feelings, and will be closed off to the point of appearing to loathe sex.So lets not use one personal opinion to form an unfair view of just how severe sexual abuse can be for each individual.I say the BEST thing for this young woman is to Deal and Heal from her past via COUNSELLING.She needs loving, support in turning over a new leaf.The history of multiple sex partners is her trying to gain control over her past, her trying to claim back her body, her rights to safety, her rights to love but its so distorted it comes out in behaviours of mulitple partners which does in fact only make things worse. She is caught up in an addicting cycle of abuse and self destruction.With this, she will have a very distorted view of to whom she can give her trust to and may seek out abusive partners thus re-creating her Abuser(s) from childhood in order to have a better outcome, recreating, acting out, and hoping to heal from 'being' in control of her body and sex as she wasn't when she was young. She was powerless as a child so, unfortunately, sexual promiscuity offers a false sense of power.Casual Sex- Well many people do that these days regardless of if they have been abused or not so really, why does it seem to be more acceptable for teens to date, sleep around, have multiple partners because its 'not marriage' so fidelity isn't a part of it? Yet one hears, sexual abuse, then the person who was abused, becomes some untrustworthy monster? Anyways.Do your best to gain insight into her past and please don't use it against her otherwise you will be like her Abusers and betray her trust that she even told you she was sexually abused. Thats a very vunerable position she put herself in. She must really trust and hope you will love her for her, warts and all. And to victims of sexual abuse, they fight years and years of self esteem, self worth, self love issues-its such a life sentence of shame, guilt, and feeling ugly and damaged. She beats herself up and hates herself all on her own and no one can hurt her like she can so- keep the unkind judgements to yourself. Also, she has guilt and really, she didn't ask for it, want it or deserve it. Which victims believe. Its all tragic really.I feel for this young woman. The degree of damage done to victims can be irreversable. I have a sister that has DID due to sexual abuse/incest/rape and even when on medication, she is barely exsisting let alone living her life as best as she can.Here are some links for your perusal.http://www.deborahkingcenter.com/resources/incest/http://www.crossroads.ca/response/incest.htmhttp://www.pandys.org/articles/siblingsexualabuse.pdfhttp://www.joy2meu.com/emotional_incest.htmEducation will bring insight, patience, forgiveness and newfound appreciation for just what the heck she is dealing/coping with on a daily basis. A Silent Warrior.COUNSELLING ASAP.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 December 2011):
 I met my current partner when I was in an open marriage. I am currently monogamous by my choice with my partner. I have had many partners in the past and by choice.
BUT my partner trusts me to be honest and open with him about it. And I am.
IF you trust your partner and believe her to be changing then I see no problem with it and I can easily see how people can change...
I suggest that if you believe her... then trust her, go with the flow and enjoy it day by day.
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A
male
reader, Rabz  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 The only way to go from here is to face it and be your real man who will show her how much he care for her, for her as the new girl and her past is her past you don't really think a lot about her past and you can be honest with her and tell her whatever you are saying in that message just tell her I'd love to know everything about you if you wish to tell me if not i don't mind what happen happen, I care for you and you mean a lot to me, and I never and i will never judge you for what happen to you in the past, I want our relation to be a new white page where we will draw our lines and create our plans toegther...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): I am sorry that she was sexually abused in the past. I too have been sexually abused and I understand how difficult it is. I have also worked with survivors of sexual abuse, and unfortunately some become promiscuous, and others become so scared of sex that they shut down and stay clear of any type of relationship. Either way most tend to believe that all they are good for is sex, and although that is of course not true, it takes a lot of hard work, therapy and support for them to realise that it's not true. My advice to you would be to look in the self-help section of the library and a book store, there are many great books that can help you know how to help your girlfriend and how to deal with all that comes with this. You are obviously care about her very much, and just showing her that you care about her does help. Also try to encourage her to seek therapy for herself, so she can heal the emotional wounds of her past experience.
From my experiences in working with sexual abuse survivors, casual sex means nothing and is familiar to them, it is hard to explain, but the thougt that they are worth nothing more than being used for sex, can lead some to be promiscuous and casual encounters can be like reliving the abuse because they know nothing else. Try looking into a websites which are support groups for partner's of sexual abuse survivor's, the will be able to provide you with information. Here is a site which may be able to help.
www.supportforpartners.org/
I wish you and your girlfriend the very best of luck.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (1 December 2011):
 Hi Sexting_Love,
I think what really matters is how she's with you right now. Everybody have a past... Just know that your girlfriend had a horrible past, I guess being sexually abuse have a lot to do with her behavior. See, casual sex is far deeper than the sex itself. To me, it has a lot to do with self esteem, confidence, the need to be wanted, etc... She's been hurt, so her casual sexual encounters probably gave her temporary relief...
In my young age, I used to have a group of girlfriends, and we did go party every week. All my friends were good girls, good families, well educated, we didn't use drugs, all in all good people. However, a had one girlfriend that used to have a lot of one night stands. At one point, she had sex with 3 different guys in one week? I was shocked with her behavior. With time I've learned that she was behaving that way because she was desperate to find a boyfriend, someone that will love her, care for her.
Girls that behave that way have low self esteem, they've been hurt, they are desperate for attention. I think, you should give your girlfriend a chance... If you are sure she has never cheated on you, you should stay with her, get to know each other better. She's lucky to have a nice, honest, loyal, normal boyfriend in her life. I think you shouldn't let the past control your relationship. I think you both deserve a chance to be happy together...
Good luck
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