A
male
age
36-40,
*heo84
writes:Hi everyone,I've been with my partner for around 9 months, and in more or less everyway, we have a really strong friendship and relationship. He has had some pretty big fears of commitment, but has been really open and hardworking about getting past them. However, recently he's been really anxious and stressed out and hasn't shown any sexual interest. Finally, he said today he was thinking about sleeping with other people - from what I understood, I don't think he meant thinking as in "planning", but thinking as in "imagining". We have a closed relationship, and the subject of sleeping with other people is also more or less closed - we've talked about it, and clearly decided to remain monogamous for a handful of reasons. I'm really hurt by his comment, but also know from our previous discussions around this that it stems from a fear of being hurt (ie. self defense by avoiding emotional attachment to one person by having casual sex with others), and also that he does find me attractive and that he loves me (we had terrific sex just last week). I have a feeling it might have been brought on by insecurities. I am seeing his family over Christmas and he's really nervous about that, and I also mentioned something recently about an old boyfriend who was really in love with me (but who I wasn't in love with, and therefore broke up with). I've noticed he does tend to be kind of sensitive and a bit jealous when stuff like that comes up (but sometimes it's unavoidable, and I don't want to make my past a secret). What I'm wondering is whether I should stay with him after this - I appreciate that he was honest that he was thinking about other people, even though I trust he wouldn't do it, but it's still a big blow to my self esteem. And, this has happened before, and it always seems to end up in me "arguing" for the sake of our relationship, and I'm not really sure that's fair for me. He has made clear statements that I believe were honest about genuinely loving me, but it also seems that someone who's in love with me wouldn't think about sleeping with other people to the point of having to tell me. I'd appreciate anyone's honest advice and comments!
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broke up, christmas, jealous, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, xxChristina5xx  +, writes (5 January 2012):
 It's good that he was honest with you. Theres nothing better than someone being honest, however, I know if it was me and my boyfriend said he'd been thinking of having sex with other people it would really hurt me too and i'd feel exactly the same way as you do.
I'd ask myself if its really worth it because I wouldn't want to be sleeping with my boyfriend with that convosation at the back of my head. To be honest it does sound like the honeymoon is over and you are seeing the real person behind the mask. I hope this has been some help
A
male
reader, theo84 +, writes (21 December 2011):
theo84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your replies! It made me realize that maybe I haven't had a lot of confidence, and need to stand up and take action for myself, even if that can mean leaving a guy I really like.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 My personal experience is that when you're in love with someone you may check someone out or whatever, but you don't want to be with anyone else.
This is very bad news. Some people could maintain a relationship after this, but I feel I couldn't. It would make me feel that some time, while I am not looking, the partner will be with someone else. And I would assume it would have happened already.
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A
female
reader, 1sunshine  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 "Someone who's in love with me wouldn't think about sleeping with other people to the point of having to tell me" I think you just answered your own question ;) You sound like a smart person and (we) as women deserve the very BEST when it comes to relationships. Tell him that you are "thinking about finding a boyfriend that wants to be faithful to me." ;) Lots of luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): "If he loved me he wouldn't be thinking of sleeping with others, would he?"
No, he wouldn't.
And if he's thinking of sleeping with others you shouldn't think of continuing to sleep with him, now or forever.
You've been together nine months, the honeymoon's over and his real self is emerging. Don't waste any more time. What you're seeing and hearing is what you're going to get.
Dump him now, be thankful you only invested nine months, learn from the experience, and move on.
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