A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend stopped calling me and i was sure this was his way of breaking up with me. Its been a few days since now but i feel that trying to call him and texting him for a reason why has actually pushed him away when he wasnt breaking up with me like i thought. But if that wasn't what he was thinking wouldn't he have at least sent a text saying that and that we could talk about it later?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 December 2010):
 OP, I apologize if we are giving you the impression we are using your thread to chit chat amoung Aunts- as a matter of fact I hope you may find in our comments some food for thought, both for your current situation and in future.
@Dear Jilly : yes, some times I feel discouraged reading DC posts. It seems to me that half of the troubles would disappear if only people could remember some basic manners. And I feel ANCIENT !, as if I am the only one who minds this silly stuff... Now, I admit I am no spring chicken, but I don't even belong to the 18th century.
I guess that what some people do not get is that what you call "respectful attitudes " are actually a quick , efficient communication code- a sort of shorthand.
"Does he love me ? Does he like me ?Does she respect me ? ".... Well, let's just start seeing if he/she is at least POLITE with you, and we have big part of the answer !
If he/ she can be POLITE, and bother to do all that boring ancient stuff like calling you back in a timely fashion , and not canceling dates at the last minute, and not taking 100 calls from friends while he is on a date with you etc., then yes, he likes you, he likes you enough to treat you well.
If he/she can't even bother with that,...then you are wasting time.
Simple quick and accurate screening tool, I'd say. But
maybe it's just me- and you . We are having "hang ups " :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Oh right, then that is a different situation altogether. 24 hours to respond to a text is ridiculous as a habit and 10 days with nothing makes it sound like he's just not into you or certainly not a guy that you should bother with.
I think his lack of reply kind of answers the questions you asked him unless he left his phone on a mountain plugged into the charger then he doesn't really have any valid excuse for that at all. The guys sounds like a douche.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): hello everyone. as i dont have an account i dont no how to add information. This was my question i posted. Thank you so much for you're replies. We were only seeing eachother for a few months and it always took him a while to txt me back or to call when he said he would and i accepted this. this particular situation happened after i had not heard from him for 10 days. this was long even for him. after a text askin if he was ok and if something was wrong i got nothing. the next day a called him and sent another text asking if he was alright and if 'we' were ok as i was worried at this point. the next day i sent texts saying that if he doesnt want to see me then i deserve a reason and got nothing back.
sorry didnt give much information before, perhaps this will help.
I dont feel needy and i know i dont deserve this. but the fact that he didnt even care about/respect me enough to tell me.
i suppose the writting was on the wall when it took him at least 24hours to return a text which is why i thought he was just busy. but like i said, this was long even for him
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): To Cindy Cares..I had to come back and see if you had posted, just love your reply to this situation, we are so similar in having set ' respectful, good manners attitudes ' but as you so eloquently say " My views are perhaps rather restrictive in today's "fluid" society, yet I'll swear till my deathbed :) upon the good old fashioned European rule :
one has 3 days to reply any personal communication.
If he/she does not, he is either in the hospital, or in jail... or simply disrespectful." It pretty well sums up modern society, but then that is why have such postings from this young female - guys, no longer appear to think good manners are important, yes generalising, or should I say reading a lot of posts on DC.
Cerberus..Agree with Cindy Cares, your postings are usually really stimulating and very intuitive, and we can all have an off day ;-) I do on a regular basis, but still think your postings are great!
I hope both of you have a good day!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 December 2010):
Oh Ok, Cerberus, got it. You have a point.
I had assumed that " a few " days meant literally a few days, 6 or 7 or so.
But if it was just a couple of days , during which our OP flooded him with dozens of texts,... well, I still think he could have reassured her if he had wanted to, but of course I also know that in practice it happens like that : the more you push, the more the other person pulls.
So, OP, in case you feel like giving us the numbers - how many days , and how many texts, - our advice can be more specific.
Also : had something bad happened between you , or did he just pull an Houdini on you ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Some guys get so absorbed in wooing the 'next' that they just forget to tell the 'ex'. Very uncaring and rude.Or they choose not to tell the 'ex', just in case the 'next' does not work out. Then they can just make out they were 'busy' and resume and reinstate the recent 'ex' as their gf. Very sneaky and dishonest.Some guys just walk away, not wanting to witness the drama, after their now ex realises the 'dropping' is in progress. Very cowardly on the part of the guy.Of course he could be ill in hospital, but i think someone would have told you if that had happened.I suggest you go off to a 2 day day spa. Get pampered. Deluxe facials, the works. Get your hair color changed. You'll look and feel a million dollars after all that pampering.Then if you see him walking towards you, you just saunter past him, and keep walking. If he wants you back, he'll have to woo you all over again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): I read the question wrong, my apologies. I thought she said she had been calling and texting him and he just hasn't responded. "i feel that trying to call him and texting him for a reason why has actually pushed him away" The question is worded oddly or maybe my late nights writing this thesis has clouded my vision.
But why would she think that if she didn't have good reason?
Plus she didn't state how long he's been her boyfriend. Or what he's like as a boyfriend. We also don't know how many times she's called and texted him about this or her tone in those messages. That was my mistake, I made a stupid assumption to be honest. But it is a possibility none the less.
All I can say is that this could be his reason. Yes it's polite to respond or let her know whats happening but he could have good reason. He might have some kind of crisis on at the moment, something that wouldn't be helped by "please call me" or "why haven't you responded". It's only been a couple of days but she might have sent messages like these after a really short amount of time.
You see it doesn't seem to me that they're that close if she doesn't know what's going on in his life. It seems that they may not be together long if she's this insecure about him not calling for a couple of days.
I'm sorry for saying it but with the little evidence we do have the fact she thinks calling and texting as to why he won't respond, the fact she thinks he might be breaking up with her because he didn't call her for a couple of days kind of sounds needy to me.
I could be wrong but we just don't have enough info to say I am. That's why I advised time, because if he is thinking she's needy then perhaps giving him a bit of time to respond is in order, he could have lost a family member, he might be in hospital you just don't know and seriously if it;s something like that and he returns to see a load of messages talking about breaking up, or why haven't you called then that might not look so good.
Now you might think me an asshole for this, but I did date a girl that text me a "how are you?" before. I left my phone at home while I comforted my mother after my grandmother died. I came back to find "how are you? :-)" "oh you're busy text me later when you get a chance :-*" "okay it's been an hour, what are you up to? ;-)" "what's her name haha, call me when you get a chance, love ya :-*" "okay seriously, whats up?" "did i do something wrong? :-(" "I'm sick of this if you're breaking up with me then please just tell me" "fuck you then, we're done!!!"
All in the space of a few hours, now it might of been polite to tell her what happened but frankly my grandmother had just died and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to consider anyone but my family.
It was on the basis of this experience that I answered this question, stupid I know as the situation might completely different. But I still say give it a couple of days, you've already tried texting and calling, if he thinks you're acting needy then you'll only make it worse by demanding an explanation from him. That's all I meant.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 December 2010):
@Dear Jilly : thank you,the appreciation is reciprocated !
@Cerberus : I generally find your posts very perceptive and stimulating . But this time... you disappoint me a bit.
...Two weeks ? My friend, what do you mean , this is not ( supposedly ) some girl he casually chatted up at a party. These people have been dating, they had a relationship, he was her boyfriend!
Whether she may be perceived as needy or not, it's not even relevant. It's a simple matter of plain old fashioned good manners = showing respect.
You don't chew with your mouth open, period.
You don't keep your significant other or good friend or family member hanging for a reply.
My views are perhaps rather restrictive in today's "fluid" society, yet I'll swear till my deathbed :) upon the good old fashioned European rule :
one has 3 days to reply any personal communication.
If he/she does not, he is either in the hospital, or in jail... or simply disrespectful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): CindyCares answer is excellent - how right she is. Perfect answer!
As for seeming needy, as it has been suggested, not sure where needy comes into it, if you have been accustomed to sending each other texts may be daily, or every few days, to WONDER why he may have stopped, that to me seems perfectly acceptable within a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): You really don't give much info behind his texts stopping - whether you had been arguing or if everything was normal between you guys - going out together, having fun, generally all was going well.
So I will take some guesses - IF everything was ok between you, and he's not text you in days, when normally he would, personally I would contact him, and just say Hi, nothing heavy, and see if he replied. SORRY, just re-read your posting, YOU have done that, text him, but you've had no reply.
ONE: That is rude if he's ignored you, it's just bad manners.
TWO: IF he doesn't want to go out with you, then he should have the manners ( yes back to manners again) and integrity to tell you, even if by text, at least something to demonstrate some respect for the time you have been going out together.
THREE: No one should be left 'guessing'if their partner/bf wants to end the relationship. It's just not GOOD dating etiquette.
FOUR:IF you have been going out for quite sometime - You don't say how long, would depend on HOW he should explain his silence, if he wanted to break up. Example: If you had only gone on two dates, well may be not replying to your texts was his way of saying he doesn't want to continue seeing you, especially as you've text him. However, if you've been dating for some weeks/months, then this is really not excusable behaviour.
Not sure why females seem to have this notion, and I see it a lot on here, that they should remain in silence, in an effort not to upset or lose their boyfriend, and basically allow him to get away with really bad relationship tactics.
If a gf is afraid she will lose her boyfriend if she stands up for herself, and no I don't mean by being aggressive, but merely pointing out that 'silence'being 'ignored' is not behaviour she will tolerate it.
Set your boundaries, and don't let a boyfriend intimidate you to lose sight of your boundaries, it commands more respect in the end.
I hope some of this helps and perhaps points you in the right direction of what you might do next.
Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Yeah that's very possible. Texting and calling for a reason why he hasn't called you is very needy behaviour.
Seriously I wouldn't respond to a text like that either it's a bit much. Have a think if you're being like this, if you're being a bit too needy. Now if him not calling has been a week or two then I'd worry but if it was only a couple of days then you texting asking why hasn't he called is a bit much.Just leave it a few days and see if he calls or texts you. If he hasn't in the next week or two then something is up.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 December 2010):
I am sorry to hear you are in such painful situation, I know it hurts to be in a state of supense where you don't even get what's really happened, when and why.
All I can tell you is that ,when you don't even know if a guy has broken up with you or not- it 's time anyway to cancel his name from your address book.
The worst girlfriend in the world deserves at least the respect of an official dumping :"I am leaving you because...".
One that can't even do that for you- you do not need to deal with him at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): You are best off trying to see him to talk face to face. If he is trying to finish things in a cowardly way, then you have a right to get it straight from him.But stop texting if you are not getting replies - from at his end it makes you look desperate.
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