A
female
age
41-50,
*ithoutacause
writes:I'm entering the 10th year of my relationship and my sex life has been on the decline for the past four years and my bf says he doesn't know why he just hasn't got the urge and he doesn't even pleasure himself. My dilemma my sex drive is higher now than ever I'll be 34 soon and the prospect of spending the rest of my life celibate when I feel like i'm just discovering myself is bleak. I have to say I feel rejected and I cant take many more excuses I have started to question my own morels. Do I spend my time in a relationship that works in every other way but depresses me and makes me feel unwanted as a woman or do I look elsewhere for what i'm missing.Will I be able to handle the guilt?Is he ever going to want me again? I feel like i am 16 again lost and lonely.
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celibate, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): I'm sorry if I offended you. That wasn't my intention at all.
How can someone not feel sympathy for someone who says they feel "rejected, guilt, lost, and lonely?" You used these very words.
You don't sound happy. I shoot from the hip, and don't sugar-coat my opinions. It was not to hurt your feelings, but it is to trigger thought; and make you consider the situation you're in, and whether it is really worth it.
You also wonder if he will ever want you again. You get no sex and you can't discuss things with a man you've been with for ten years. I'm not really sure why you wrote DC if you wouldn't expect someone to feel sympathy for a situation as you have described it? I beg to differ that it works. It seem more that you've grown accustomed to it, and it is what it is. If it was good, you would not have written for advice here.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 April 2015):
 NO one should have to "report every move" or "fight to wear lipstick" neither of them is a normal way to have a relationship.
I understand staying. I stay with a man who was until 92 days ago an active alcoholic who was abusive. I didn't need to stay I wanted to stay because I love him. I have not had sex in nearly 6 months and I'm not leaving. But I don't question his love for me. I don't question if he's cheating. I don't define my husband's feelings for me by how often he puts his penis in my vagina.
IN addition, we are working on a lot of medical issues that are having negative impact on my love life
I don't feel unwanted (as a woman or otherwise) and I don't feel unloved.
I'm not THRILLED about it. and I still have a sex drive but I have ways to fix that myself.
So I'm staying and I'm happy.
you are staying but you are unhappy. you feel unloved and unwanted. you want to be happy. You want to get laid. (don't we all).
there are men out there that will
"let you" come and go as you please
wear lipstick
have friends
have a life WITH Them
AND want you sexually and show you.
You do not have to settle or put up with quirks if you are not happy. You make this choice.
so what do you want from us? to help you figure out how to feel better about yourself?
clearly you don't want to leave him... we can't change him or how he interacts with you, we can only give you advice on how we think this should go.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 April 2015):
 But nobody , unless they have married Othello the Moor of Venice, has to report their every move or put up a fight to wear lipstck ! I don't know where you draw this conclusion from. In an average couple, with a decent level of mutual trust and mutual respect, these things do not happen, - it's IMPLIED that each partner will be treated as a responsible adult and not as a rebellious teenager. If sheer bad luck, or your conscious choice, has exposed you so far ONLY to controlling, overbearing men, I offer you my sympathy, but don't think that NOT being a controlling freak is just such a redeeming virtue; it's what you should expect .
Anyway, the vast independence and freedom of movement that you enjoy is not particularly a good thing, when coupled also with sexual neglect and emotional disconnection.
He does not fuck, he does not talk, he does not share... Hasn't it crossed your mind that maybe , pardon the brutality, he's simply gone off you ? He's just not interested anymore- so as long as you leave him alone in all senses, it's all good ?..
Sadly this may happen and for no particular reasons. Not all loves are eternal, not all relationships stand the test of time.
I am saying this because I feel that a man in your bf's situation - and at just 40 years of age ! - would fight nails and teeth, would spend to his last penny, would do whatever it takes, to go to the root of this sexual problem. Because this is not just his problem ( although I am surprised he does not care about becoming asexual / impotent at age 40 ) , this is your problem too and your couple 's problem too. He should have at least an inkling that no couple can survive unscathed in these conditions, so he would have gone to see a general doctor, and an andrologist, and a psychiatrist , etc. to assess if it's depression, or a physical ailment, or a testosterone imbalance or whatnot.
If he takes it so philosophically, " oh...whatever ", well, maybe it means that he has pulled off/ is pulling off both his sexual and emotional energy from your relationship.
Ar which point, it would not make sense for either of you to keep whipping a dead horse.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 April 2015):
 And you cant/wont leave him because....? In my opinion, cheating is never an option. If you want someone else in bed, you need to end your relationship with your boyfriend.
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A
female
reader, Withoutacause +, writes (8 April 2015):
Withoutacause is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wise old owl
Actually quite offended at your last comment i don't want your sympathy my relationship has managed to get to 10yrs because we work just because it doesn't conform to what you think is right doesn't make it wrong your emplying im weak and don't know my own mind when im actually the opposite and for the record we live together and you needn't think I am scared of leaving because of financial situation because im not a fan of taking the easy way out. I put up with the quirks because i can have a life without having to report every move and have an argument if I wear lipstick.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 April 2015):
 What guilt? You're paired up with someone that's not compatible...That isn't someone's fault. he situation is not 'fixable' Pull the ripcord before the ground hits you in the face.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): Well, after reading the additional posts you've offered; it is more clear to me.
I've read your story dozens and dozens of times; different women, but the same problem. You've chosen a poor excuse for a man, and you are begging people for advice on how to change him. You can't change him. You have to change yourself. Not for him, for you.
The only way to "change" him, is to "replace" him. Trade him in for something better. That is the only answer to your problem.
Is this all you get for 10 long years?
A one-sided relationship that you're carrying all by yourself. You've convinced yourself that useless pile of flesh is the man you love. Well, don't complain. What good does it do?
He doesn't listen, he doesn't talk about his feelings, you tried talking about it; but he's not the kind who talks about his feelings. He doesn't want sex from you. So continue being his maid, his cook, and housekeeper.
Just what is it that you love so much?
I'll give it to you straight. It's not really love. You've settled for practically nothing. He lives in your house. That's it. That's because you don't believe you deserve, or could ever find better. He shows you no affection, now you get no sex.
My heart goes out to you. Another poor woman who will grow old, bitter, lonely, and sexually-frustrated. Clinging to a man who is nothing but a border in her house. You've carried your relationship for all this time all by yourself. If you think you can love a man like that; you're not sure what love really is, my dear. I know. It's a wonderful experience. It's nothing like what you've described. I pray you'll find what you need someday.
I guess this is another very sad case of "a lousy no-count man, is better than having no man at all." I'm not sure how any of us can really help. You'll just stay with him anyway.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (7 April 2015):
 Assuming that he has refused repeated communication about this issue, one other thing to try is to have someone else appeal to him, like his parents or your priest. Given that you two are not married, it becomes cumbersome on others to get involved, but that, instead, makes it easy for you to pursue your own happiness given that he is completely disinterested in yours. I think that you are framing your predicament wrongly. Your relationship is not functioning because it makes you depressed so the question here is how do you, as an unmarried woman, move away from your BF who is the cause of your depression. If he is stubborn about righteousness his asexual lifestyle is precipitating than that is his right, but you should be mindful about your age because with each year behind you the available pool of men is rapidly shrinking for you. I don't know how your finances are with your BF but if they are entangled, your immediate job is to disentangle them, to account for your share and to look to move away from him. Make sure that you are financially stable and have reserves to survive on your own before you make the final cut on this sorry cord. If you are separate then good! Just cease communication with him... and it would be easy because there is no intimate affection with him anyway. Be sure not to get tangled up with any other men while planning to split apart. Having a lover during your relationship or immediately after would not contribute to your stability. If you held off sex for so long than few more months after the break up will not materially change your life. He may want to negotiate but be sure all that talking he does then is done from the safe distance and if anything he says is appealing than make sure he shows some action about it. Words, as he can attest, don't mean much. So your option here is to leave him, therefore hatch a good plan and seek your happiness.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (7 April 2015):
 Hi Withoutacause,Your partner lack of response could mean a few things. He is masturbating and you don't know. He could be cheating (but let's not go there until all other options have been crossed out), and one of the biggest things for men...Trust issues with his own feelings.A lot of men want to try things in the bedroom, but they cannot bring themselves to tell their partner what they like, because of the fear of being judged and ridiculed.I know a friend who wanted his wife to dress like a school girl and her response has now left a 3 year hole of no sex...and she can't understand the problem. She called him a pervert, a child molester, and so on. He completely shut down, and would not talk or engage in a sexual relationship with her.Your partner could have one of those fantasies where he feels way to shy to bring it up.If you have any such fantasies...surprise him and see his reaction. Maybe he needs to see that you are into that stuff and will not judge him for opening up.
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A
female
reader, Withoutacause +, writes (7 April 2015):
Withoutacause is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBrown wolf
He seems offended at the idea of bringing toys into the bedroom and when I've asked him what he wants silence is the response so i try'd putting it another way and asked what he likes same answer i still love him to bit's but before long i will start thinking he's cheating then turn into a jealous nagging mess that just isn't me. He's 40 just to clarify. And all feedback is much appreciated.
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A
female
reader, Withoutacause +, writes (7 April 2015):
Withoutacause is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes i try'd talking about it but he's a bit of a caveman in that respect i even put pen to paper because he has a habbit of taking what i say the wrong way so there was no confusion i gave him an out and made it perfectly clear i would rather be broken hearted than in a relationship with someone who isn't in love with me. Belive me when i say i am disappointed with myself for my train of thought but it only comes after I have exhausted all other options. In respect to there being a communication issue there has always been a problem he doesn't like talking about his feelings and I've always been ok with that im not emotionally needy so that has worked for us he's a strange specimen to be fair and most women wouldn't of gotten past 10 weeks he's never been one to give complements or be romantic this valentines day i got my first bouquet so he can still surprise me after all. But how many times can you get rejected without becoming resentful?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): Do you consider your 10-year relationship a common-law marriage? Sex is part of marriage; unless illness or advanced-age takes it away. Then it survives without it; if you "both" can be happy with that. You've given this man a huge chunk of your life. Now give-up sex?
You don't have to.
Why would a man all of a sudden not want sex with his long-term partner? Why would he leave you in the dark and to your own speculation? He should be more concerned than you are!!!
You're deluding yourself if you feel your relationship works in every way. Sex isn't your only problem. It appears it is also communication. There is a loss of affection; and one of the best means of expression of your love and intimacy. Sex isn't only physical, it's mental as well. You're not in a platonic relationship. Sex was part of the foundation of the bond you have.
It is no longer there. Why?
The man is too young to have no sex-drive at all. Everyone is saying send him to the doctor. Well, if he gave a rat's ass about you, he'd have already done that in order to please the woman who supposedly means so much to him. Nothing would scare a man of any age more, than to have no sex-drive at all! There is more to this than meets the eye.
He doesn't miss the intimacy. It's not just about sex-drive as people are always quick to assume. It is often a matter of over-familiarity, feelings finding another source of fulfillment, and/or a change in attraction for a person. He may be holding onto the relationship to make you happy, and because he can't imagine what to do with himself without you. Your finances my be intertwined. Fear of what everyone would think if you both suddenly separated. The truth would come-out that he doesn't satisfy you. You're falsely reassuring yourself you can work around this, without dealing with it directly.
You are at the peak of your sex-drive, it is normal for a woman your age. It may level-off, or even get stronger. No you don't have to go find toys and alternatives. You have to seek the truth. To know why it would even be necessary?
Meanwhile, he doesn't even pleasure himself? How on earth would you even know that? You're not monitoring his every private moment, are you? Are you home every second, in the shower with him, going to the bathroom every-time he goes? If he isn't pleasing you, he's surely pleasing himself. Be realistic.
Your options were already well laid-out for you in previous advice from other aunts and uncles. So no sense repeating them. It is time to discuss the issue head-on.
You must know what has really been lost between you, not just sexually. Why hasn't he sought medical-attention to be sure there isn't an underlying untreated malady that could be life-threatening? I wouldn't even say counseling might help; if he doesn't feel sexual-attraction for you.
This all comes down to trust, and how much he truly does care for you. If he trusts you, he can talk to you. He would do all he can to please you. Meanwhile; he has to protect his own health and physical well-being.
You may be in denial, and totally deluded about your relationship. Seeing only what you want to see. It's not just about splitting apart. You have to have a good reason to do that; and know the truth, before you take such a drastic step.
If he will not be forthcoming and talk about it. Don't deny your needs and live like a nun. You don't have to remain in a relationship that doesn't supply your needs; and fulfill you in every way. You have to receive what you're willing to give. He has to prove himself worthy and willing, by doing everything possible to try. Only then can you say it's good in every other way; because there would be an open-line of communication, and comfortable discussion of your emotions for each other.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 April 2015):
A man in his 30s with no drive needs to speak to his doctor. Once he determines that it's not a medical condition he can better figure out how to fix it.
you have to talk to HIM about it.
Your options are as follows.
a. stay the way you are and say nothing
b. assist him in figuring out what's wrong and attempting to fix it
c. take a lover on the side (cheat)
or
d. get his permission to take a lover. (I tease my hubby with this one)
and finally
if nothing else works you can leave. Really.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (7 April 2015):
Hello Withoutacause,
Question...You have a high sex drive...What do you do to get sex from your man?
You want it...so...what have you done to help your cause?
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (7 April 2015):
Have you ever asked your man these questions? If so, what's his solution? Do you have a solution for him? What do you think it takes to fix this? Is he fixable? Just because your man is on a waning libido is that a reason to simply discard him now as though he is a shaving cartridge who no longer cuts? Have you examined where you maybe in all this, as a cause or as a solution? Before venturing out and possibly destroying the good thing you have, every person must exert some effort and put forth their contribution at fixing the situation they don't like. Perhaps he needs to know the seriousness of his situation in order to be motivated to do something about it. Maybe after you've exhausted all options, psychological and medical, you could put these "elsewhere" options in front of him, but by then you would both figure out how to either fix this or to just split apart.
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