A
female
age
41-50,
*atlonelywife
writes:I agreed to a threesome with my husband and a friend. I've never been with a woman but agreed to try to please my husband. He didn't even touch me. feeling uncomfortable, i went outside. he proceeded to have sex with her. i was reduced to watching, in tears, through the window. i finally asked them to stop and he got so angry with me. Is it wrong to feel hurt? Was this just an excuse to have sex with someone else? Was i just a third wheel to him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): He wanted to cheat and wanted the green light to legitimise it. He had no intention of a three some. Personally I would never want to get over it. I would want to get out. A man who finds it that easy to have sex 'outside' his marriage has done it before and will most certainly do it again.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2015): I agree with the comment that this sounds almost designed to hurt you. Him not even touching you, and not stopping with her when you left? If he did not intend to hurt you then he is shockingly blind to how (any person) in your shoes was going to end up feeling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): So it was HIS idea to have a threesome? And you AGREED?Let's be quite clear here. ANY husband whoever suggests a THREESOME needs to be given his walking papers just for making such a suggestion. PERIOD. END OF STORY.Wanna have threesomes? Don't get married. They should be exclusive to CASUAL SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS ONLY. Nothing else.I know you wanted to please him but NOT THIS WAY, sweetie. He is not worth it. He is horrible. Just concerned about his own gratification. Without a second thought to you or your feelings. He has no feelings. How can a man do this to his wife? How sickening on his behalf. In all probability, he was likely attracted to this friend and used the idea of a threesome to have sex with her. It would have been the only way to get "permission" so to speak.To actually watch him with another woman? OMG! This would tear me apart. I truly empathize with you. Nothing more terrible to have to see. I am very sorry you had to see that. Why did you agree? You knew you could not go through with it. Deep down, you must have known. Although you could never have known his reaction to the situation which was to PUSH YOU ASIDE to have sex with another woman. Ignore you were there completely. Almost like it was a hall pass. He thinks you agreed to that. But the fact he did not even touch you is shocking. Perhaps you thought he would have involved you in the threesome somehow but he totally ignored you which is what has made you feel like shit.I would never agree to a threesome. Never. If your man wants that, tell him to go find two other women and have a blast and then leave him. I will not be part of that. I AM TOO GOOD for that crap. You tell him the same thing. YOU ARE TOO GOOD for how disgustingly cruelly he treated you.Please do not let him worm his way out. There are no excuses for what he did.He is done.Walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): I would file for divorce if that was me! He sounds awful, he totally used a 'threespme' as an excuse.... If he really cared about your feelings he would have stopped the second you were upset/walked away. And the fact that he got angry when you told THEM to stop having sex (as it definitely doesn't sound like a threesome) shows utterly disrespect and lack of compassion towards your feeing.
Please know that you are worth a LOT more than this, you seem to be a very tolerant woman. Best wishes, don't be his doormat
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2015): Hello, I'm not the OP, I'm another reader. I just want to thank the female anonymous for the book recommendation - I've just ordered a copy online because I think it will really help me. Thanks so much for the recommendation!
I totally agree with all the posts, here. OP I think the 'writing is on the wall' and you need to leave ASAP. The guy's an emotional and psychological abuser who enjoys hurting you. YES, it's as clear as day he wanted sex with this friend and simply wanted your consent just so that he doesn't have to feel bad about himself!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): What a pig!!! How you walked out amd let them carry on I don't know! Some friend! And some husband!
Ditch both instantly, neither are worthy of you.....time to toughen up and regain your self esteem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): I think that this was more about you than you might at first realise. If what he really wanted was a threesome, then that's what it would have been. You would have been included. When he totally ignored you and only touched this other woman, he 100% knew this would upset you. Didn't he? Then, when you left, he knew why. Didn't he? Which is why I say that I think this is more about you than you may realise. I'm afraid there are some men out there who are very abusive and it is almost a sport to them to make you very unhappy, insecure, afraid etc etc. He sounds as if he is either the most uncaring man I've ever heard of and/or this was intended to hurt you very much. You mentioned that when you tried to get your feelings heard he 'got so angry'. A classic sign of abusive behaviour is that they stop you standing up for yourself by getting angry with you, sometimes scarily so. A loving, caring husband would never do this to his wife in the first place, let alone getting angry when she's upset by HIS actions. He had nothing to be angry about, YOU did. He may have also wanted to have sex with this person and he could get what he wanted on both levels, i.e. her and hurting you. I have mentioned this before, but this book helped me so much when I was in an abusive relationship and couldn't work out what was happening, or why. Please read 'Why Does He Do That' by Professor Lundy Bancroft, a man who worked with abusive men for 15 years and learned all their tactics and tricks. This is the reason I read these problems. If I see someone who I think may be experiencing what I went through, I want to help them recognise it for what it is. No-one was able to help me, I luckily stumbled upon some books and found out for myself what was going on. I wish to help others learn about what's happening, it's a real eye-opener!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 April 2015):
 I'm prepared to go "out on a limb" and make a prediction...... That you WON'T do that again!!!!
Good luck with your NEW boyfriend....
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 April 2015):
As stated, part of the blame is clearly yours for agreeing in the first place.
However, it says a lot about the guy you're married to that your feelings in the matter are so unimportant and come after his sexual desires.
I also agree that you should tell him you want a threesome with another guy.
If you don't have kids you should really be questioning your relationship. If you do have kids your relationship needs some work to be viable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): He proceeded to have sex with this other woman after you stopped and then had the cheek to get so angry with you when you asked them to stop?? Please leave this man!! Yes this was an excuse. You shouldn't have said yes if u were unsure.. but i understand u wanted to try and please him. Get a lawyer and leave
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): Why did you take vows and marry your husband? Agree to forsake all others?
Why didn't you both just remain boyfriend and girlfriend, in an open relationship?
Own your responsibility to giving your permission and agreeing to such an absurd request of your spouse. Surely you saw this coming? You can't be that naive.
You gave him permission to have sex with another woman while you watched. One good thing has come of this. Now you know how unfeeling and calloused this man is.
Okay, stop feeling sorry for yourself; and assume a stance of strength.
Now get a lawyer, file for divorce, and take half of what is yours. Go find your way back to happiness, freedom, and your independence. You are in a fake-marriage. He now knows he can screw anyone he likes, because he thinks it's fine with you. Make a fuss, and he can say it's all your fault.
If you think you can turn-back time, make believe it never happened, and move on? You're deluding yourself!!! I must be blunt with you. You've opened the wrong door.
You already know what you have to do. You needed support and a push. You've got it here.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 April 2015):
 yes it was an excuse to have sex with another woman.
what do you think would happen if you said "now I want a MFM threesome" NO WAY JOSE is what he will say...
YOUR feelings clearly do not matter to him. YOU do not matter to him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 April 2015):
 You should NOT have agreed to the 3-some if it was something YOU didn't want yourself. But that is hindsight, I suppose.
Yes, he wanted a 3-some because THAT way you agreed to it and can't call it cheating.
What I don't understand is this friend who was in bed with you, when she saw you get up, why did she continue? Why did your husband?
It is NOT wrong that you feel hurt by his actions.
What you have to decide is WHERE you go from here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): Seriously ? Why are you with him? He is a total loser and That is abusive. You left the room and instead of stopping and following you, he took the chance to do another woman ???
I'm sorry but you would be a massive fool to stay with this loser . Get out now while you can. I truly hope there are no children involved as his actions show classic signs of a sociopath ir no empathy and total self importance
Get financial and legal advice and pack ASAP . Don't even discuss this with him as there is not one thing he could EVER say to justify such behaviour
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): Your marriage clearly had problems BEFORE the threesome. The threesome may be the final nail in the coffin but you were definitely on the rocks then.
To move forward, I advise you to spend a weekend away thinking about what you think is wrong in your marriage and what you can be done to fix it. Also strongly consider whether it is something you want to fix.
He sounds like he doesn't give a toss about you. It was a bad decision to have the threesome but a caring partner would have checked what's up the moment you left.
You also need to work on your assertiveness. You didn't want to do this. You don't even like women. You didn't have this clause when you took your vows. You need to learn to say no and stand your ground.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2015): You are the case in point why people need never to stray from a strict monogamy and avoid delusions they see acted out in porn flicks.
You may not have been a third wheel before sex but it sure turned out that way and I'm afraid that your marriage maybe permanently ruined.
His anger, though, tells me that he absolutely has no idea about the emotional pain that you've experienced and could have been annoyed by the fact that you did not respond they way he expected a woman would in porn movies.
I am vary sad that this has happened to you and it's another evil notch men get but regrettably I have no solutions to offer to you as to how to repair your marriage now.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 April 2015):
 I'd file divorce papers and not even think twice. That's BULLSHIT.
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