| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi aunts and uncles. My Fiance and I have been together 5 years, we have two soon to be three beautiful children together (4, 2 soon to be 3 and our last due in june) We are getting married next month. My deliemma is that I found he posted a personals ad on craigslist last week. With his permission I got b on his tablet to check my email, buthe was logged into his, so I was logging out and happened to glance at the title of the first email (his inbox popped up when I went to the email website since he was logged in) and thats how I found out, just this passed monday. I confronted him, he said he didnt know at firsy brcause he couldnt see it ( he was working on putting in lights and I was standing there holding hisctablet toward him) I became exasperated when he said that and just went to our room with the kids. He came in not 5 minutes later and saidbhow sorry he was that he didnt respond to anyone andvthat he was just being stupid and that wasnt really what he wanted. The ad was blunt and sexual, he also said he was separated... Im pretty torn up. I feel naive and stupid. We have sex regularly and normally he is the one that cant keep up with me... I do my best to take of him, talk to him, listen to him, cook, clean, give him massages at least 3 times/week. We were or at least I thought, very happy. He told me he was very happy but then he thought about the past and just got really upset. We had a very rocky first 2 and a half years. No cheating but just a lot of issues, dealing with his ex, sexual issues, joining internet sex sites for couples, financial, ect. Then later on we dealt with a loss of trust twice and now this is the third time. He was upset it took so long for us to get along and finally be happy, and angry that all of his exes had cheated on him- basically all thimgs he bottled up and never dealt with, but now he took them out on me when things were going very well. We had just made our first big purchase together (a family car) and things seemed to be going great... Ive decided to stay with him as he sounded very sincere. He appologized, will give me anything I need to feel secure/restore trust in him. I told him if its not what he wants, then to just please let me know, even offered an open relationship, to which he completely refused, insisting that he was all talk but never could have gone through with any of it because he loves me and Im the only one he wants me. Hes willing to go to marriage counseling, sex therapy (I though he might need need it, but we have never had issues that we didntvtalk about and resolve) ect. He said he loves our family and that he needs to start dealing with his own issues, thatvhe ddoesnt wantbto risk losing us (although he would alwaysvhave our kids) He has seemed to be following through with everything hecsaid. He even called off a day of work because he knew how upset I was and wanted to be with me... I just want to make sure Im not being naivevabout it. I will likely get a job again after the babys born even if it means working nights and getting no sleep- so I can put money away just in case. No one will hire me right now... at 30weeks pregnant. Am I making the right decision? Do you think hes being sincere? Im very committed and love him, but if he cant stop I will walk.
View related questions:
fiance, his ex, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): Get married and make sure that its in community of property and then leave him Just like he screwed you over you screw him financially. I am afraid if I though he would change I would not give you such advise. Cheaters seldom change and your fiancé is proof.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (31 March 2014):
 I agree with your decision in that it buys you time but I would not be making any long term plans with the man. In fact I'd cancel the wedding and tell him you can revisit that AFTER he's had a year or so of having his act together.
In the meantime, I would start getting my ducks in a row. Open a safe deposit box and make sure he doesn't know about it or have access to it. Gather up any important documents, scan family photos etc. Keep a log of each betrayal. Speak to an attorney and find out exactly what your rights and responsibilities are.
If you think his efforts to redeem himself are proof of a transformation then, yes, you are incredibly naïve. He is merely doing what he needs to do to keep you off his back. He probably believes he's sincere, but he will eventually return to his old and well established habits. This was not a one off. This recent episode is part of a pattern of behaviour he has engaged in for several years.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 March 2014):
 No,personally I don't think it was a great decision. I think that everybody deserves a second chance... and nobody a third one. You went through this kind of issues already twice, and I suppose that the other two times too there will have been explanations, discussions, apologies, promises, (since you are still together )..I suppose the other two times he sounded sincere too. Now he got busted the third time, got forgiven the third time,( in fact even got offered the option of an open relationship-uh? ). So now he knows that all he's got to do is to SOUND apologetic and sincere , and he can rinse and repeat at leasure.
Then again , I understand very well how, with two young children and the third on the way, you HAVE to be cautious and patient, and be forgiving some more than if you were a childless couple. So, you have taken your decision , and stand by it, do not second guess it. Try ( BOTH ) to make it work ( maybe counseling would help... ?) But , do what you say you'd do- at the first HINT of a FOURTH episode, - take the kids and walk away immediately.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (30 March 2014):
 You say you have dealt with loss of trust twice before and now this is the third time.
My heart goes out to you. You've taken such a brave step to rebuild trust and fight for this relationship only to have this happen again.
I can't help thinking that your fiancé may be just reacting to the impending changes in the relationship, getting married and having a third child are huge life changes.
That said, he really needs to clean up his act and I can't help thinking he could benefit from talking to a counsellor especially in regards to this sexual interest he shows outside of your relationship considering this seems to be a recurring theme.
Is he sincere? I wish I could say yes but I really don't know the answer to that question.
Time will tell I suppose but maybe if he's willing to speak to someone about this problem on a professional level then it would show his sincerity.
Failing that, all you can do is take that leap of faith again but make it perfectly clear that he's had all the chances he's getting and then you're ending it.
It might be a good idea to postpone the wedding at this point. You can use the new baby as an excuse if you'd prefer people not to know the real reason.
I suggest this because I feel marriage is an important step and should only be taken when your absolutely certain this man is going to uphold his vows to you.
I hope everything goes well for you AB x
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 March 2014):
 You poor girl you are pregnant and really this is the last thing that you need in your life. It is clear that you love him and want to be with him, and don't beat yourself up that you are being naive. I guess everyone deserves a second chance. You need to make sure that he sees just how upset that he has made you. He may have done this for many of reasons, possibly to raise his own confidence and to see if women are still attracted to him. I know he never physically cheated on you but he has still broke your trust and he needs to gain it back before you can move on. I think in this situation marriage counselling would be the best road for you both to go down. I know it can be daunting and scary but believe me it will help and make you both feel more secure. I wish you the best of luck.
...............................
|
