A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Brief facts:I'm female. Been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. I'm very, very open minded. Compared to other relationships I've been in, our sex life isn't so great (for various reasons), but there's a lot of love between us. I KNOW he's into tranny porn and that he's had encounters with trannies in the past. I'm ok with that. I have no problem with porn, I watch it myself. What I recently discovered was that he was still receiving "massages" (with happy endings and who knows what else) from men he had found through craigslist in this past year that we've been together. I know he loves me, but he insists that it was not infidelity because there was no emotional intimacy exchanged. Honestly, I think that's BS. He says he's not gay, but I know he's a little bi-sexual. He says it would be totally different had he been with a female, because it's only cheating if the cheating is done with another woman. I sooo totally disagree. He's a really intelligent man, so I'm baffled by his logic. He swears he's done with seeking other people to satisfy his sexual needs, and I believe him. I didn't even give him an ultimatum. I know his desire to be with trannies will always exist and that's just something I'm learning to deal with, but that's kinda another topic. Again, I'm open minded and am willing to push the boundaries of what it means to love someone--exactly as they are.I'm just curious as to how others feel about this. So, based on the above, my question is:If a straight man in a relationship with a straight woman receives "a massage + a happy ending" from a male masseuse--no emotional intimacy involved--is that cheating?
View related questions:
infidelity, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): given your "facts" the short answer to your question is NO he is not cheating. The definition of cheating as a verb is to defraud; swindle; to decieve; to violate rules or regulations. As a noun the definition of cheating is a person who acts dishonestly, deceives, or defrauds. The irony here is that you've both cheated each other by stumbling upon the truth of a subject matter that was clearly discussed before. I understand your need to revisit this subject matter; however, your method or approach my prove to be detrimental to him and your relationship. If your truly open minded and if you truly love him, then love him for who and what he is (bi-sexual). If he says he's not emotionally invested with anyone but you, believe him, until he proves it wrong. To touch is very human and it is possible and highly probably that the only thing he is experiencing from others (masseuse) is a purely relaxing massage with a happy ending. He may want to "quit" due to your pressing the issue; unfortunatley, your both in denial if you think this going away. In fact if you don't come to terms with it; accept it for what it is; it will destroy your relationship. Lastly, regardless of ones sexual, cultural or religious beliefs please bear in mind that anyone who equates this situation as a "crime against nature" a "sin" or "cheating" fails to see that those assumption(s) are simply not true. In fact the depth and breadth of human homosexual experience is far more broad than most heterosexuals realize, or willing to admit. Keep an open mind along with an open heart and you'll find your answer within. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2010): given your "facts" the short answer to your question is NO he is not cheating. The definition of cheating as a verb is to defraud; swindle; to decieve; to violate rules or regulations. As a noun the definition of cheating is a person who acts dishonestly, deceives, or defrauds. The irony here is that you've both cheated each other by stumbling upon the truth of a subject matter that was clearly discussed before. I understand your need to revisit this subject matter; however, your method or approach my prove to be detrimental to him and your relationship. If your truly open minded and if you truly love him, then love him for who and what he is (bi-sexual). If he says he's not emotionally invested with anyone but you, believe him, until he proves it wrong. To touch is very human and it is possible and highly probably that the only thing he is experiencing from others (masseuse) is a purely relaxing massage with a happy ending. He may want to "quit" due to your pressing the issue; unfortunatley, your both in denial if you think this going away. In fact if you don't come to terms with it; accept it for what it is; it will destroy your relationship. Lastly, regardless of ones sexual, cultural or religious beliefs please bear in mind that anyone who equates this situation as a "crime against nature" a "sin" or "cheating" fails to see that those assumption(s) are simply not true. In fact the depth and breadth of human homosexual experience is far more broad than most heterosexuals realize, or willing to admit. Keep an open mind along with an open heart and you'll find your answer within. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): The first answer that an anonymous male left, the bit about gettin their ass kicked made me laugh and is so true!
If I were you I would leave him he has been cheating on you for a year. Or else if you can live with the fact that your man has been cheating with other men then say if he ever does it again then you will leave him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (24 January 2010):
I think you are being naive if you think he is going to permanently stop at hand/blow jobs. This behavior is progressive. On a daily basis in my work I deal with "straight" men who started with hand jobs and progressed to full sex, gay orgies, bareback sex etc. then brought diseases to their (in some cases pregnant) wives at home then now they come to my office wanting me to wave a magic wand to make it all go away. Many are also in denial about all of this: I'm not gay, I'm not cheating, happened once, I was high, etc. What do you think is going to happen a year from now? He will magically stop seeing rentboys and dedicate his life to you?! I think you should consider moving on. A year of dedication to someone is not much; many of us here left husbands after walking down the aisle and several children; in my work I have met woman who have done 30 years with downlow husbands who have never changed. Cut your losses and run.
...............................
A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (24 January 2010):
 he paid for sex from a third party... if you think think that as long as emotion isn't involved, then sex with other people is ok, then there's no issue
otherwise you need to tell him it's not to happen again or you'll have to dump him
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): There is a lot of advice here already, but no matter what you do-go to the doctors and get a check for every STI, he could of caught something very nasty from some massging rent boy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, all... I appreciate all of your answers.
First of all, I meant "masseur" (forgot my high school french!). Secondly, what he did is DEFINITELY cheating in MY book. I should clarify that he's actually relieved that I've discovered this secret and agrees that it was deceptive. However, since it was a guy (same guy, 4 separate occasions that I'm aware of over the past 6 months) who blew him or whatever, he continues to insist that "IT'S NOT THE SAME THING!"...as if it doesn't hold the gravity of having been with a woman. Ha! He has an addictive personality and claims these "massages" have something to do with sexual addiction or seeking an adrenaline high. I'm open to exploring fantasy, but I've made it pretty clear that I won't tolerate anymore deception.
As painful, annoying, frustrating, infuriating, confusing as this is, we're trying to move forward. I found out about this in early December (2009) and kinda flipped-out about it for the 1st week and have brought it up every now and then (can't resist sometimes!). Clearly, I'm not totally over it since I bring it up here. What bugs me the most about this is that I trusted him 100%. COMPLETELY. Never snooped, never suspected he'd ever do anything behind my back.
I'm not some martyr or pathetic doormat who fears that nobody else would want to be with me. It's just that I've invested one really challenging year of my life to this relationship and would like to continue to use it as a platform for growth. (Corny, I know.) He's a good guy, and besides this, he's been a pretty good boyfriend. I'm hoping to hear from more open-minded people, especially those of you who have been in similar situations.
Thanks :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (23 January 2010):
Your man is "living on the down-low". Google it. Down-low is the term used for men in heterosexual relationships who seek out gay men for sex but they consider themselves straight. The CDC (Center for Disease Control) are currently doing a study in my country to determine to what extent have down-low men infected their female partners with HIV. A huge correlation was found in new HIV/AIDS infection rates in America with this hypothesis in year 2000. You are at a huge risk of contracting an incurable disease because down low men often engage in risky promiscuous behaviour with rentboys to hide their behavior from the communities they socialise/live in. Its no different from your husband kerb-crawling and getting a handjob or more from the female prostitutes; no emotion is involved either. You need to get out of your dream world.. The world is an ugly place filled with men who hide vital information and infect their wives with diseases. You are headed towards your grave on a path of lifetime medication.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (23 January 2010):
 Hi sweet,
Personally, this is my take. He trolled Craigslist, snuck out behind your back and got off with another person. Emotional intimacy or not, to me that's cheating. Don't let him tell you that it's only cheating if it's with a woman. Cheating is cheating is cheating and this guy is definitely doing it.
I think it's cool that you're so open minded. Keep that quality!! But don't let a guy take advantage of your accepting mind and let you think that this isn't cheating. He is getting pleasure from someone else. Emotions, gender - regardless. He's stepping out.
Good luck, sweetness and get yourself checked for any STI's. If he's been getting jiggy with anyone else, you could be at risk.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): pack your bags and move on !!
He is bisexual which makes zero difference. cheating sexually with another human makes no difference with the sex of the cheater.
Cheating sexually and/or emotionally is the same sex of the people involved is of zero consequence.
Unless you are willing to put up with him getting his sex from other males..... "I get sex from other men but that's not really cheating cause I'm not emotionally attached."
That is exactly what he is saying to you !!
Pack your bags and run like the wind.
...............................
A
male
reader, thereaper +, writes (23 January 2010):
cheating!
this no intimacy involved excuse is lame as "oral isn't really sex"
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): 1st, yes, it's cheating
2nd, straight men don't get massages from male masseuse's involving a "happy ending"
he's either bi, bi-curious or closet gay.
if a man grabs a straight man's joystick it does not end in a happy ending, it ends with somebody getting their @$$ kicked
...............................
|
