A
female
age
30-35,
*ubyrose
writes:so im looking for some ideas for conversations with this guy im seeing to kind of gain a better idea of the kind of guy he is- im not talking like general interest kind of things... but stuff with more substance that can truly get to the core of who he is...i know asking about past relationships/how mnay girls he has been with is not something that is appropriate this early in the relationship (we've been seeing each other for a month) so i can grasp i better, more indepth understanding of him??and just generally- how do i bring up his past relationships etc?this is my first relationship- im 21...=) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, rubyrose +, writes (15 November 2010):
rubyrose is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks, realising i am just paranoid.. and time will show what he really is =)
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (12 November 2010):
 I think you're being paranoid. Listen, all guys want to get into your pants, but what differentiates them is how and why. If he waited for the 4th date to go in for a kiss, that's a good sign. If he isn't pressuring you then I think he's into you for the right reasons. Just don't do anything you aren't ready for and if he becomes a jerk about it then he's not worth it.
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A
female
reader, rubyrose +, writes (12 November 2010):
rubyrose is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont know if he is playing me or not.. im just trying to figure out what kind of guy he is- i suppose because i'm quite a shy girl and he comes off as a really confident guy i am basing my assumptions on these stereotypes of people the he went to school with... I dont know..
I mean, I suppose - in answer to your questions- he has done quite a bit of chasing around me.. and he didnt push me into our first kiss (happeneed on our 4th date) and generally he hasnt tried to push me with things.. its just, now all his suggestions for dates always seem to come back to me coming over to watch a movie (which i keep questioning and wondering if he is just trying to get into my pants..).. but i suppose its just me being paranoid about it all.. =)
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 What makes you think he is playing you? Knowing about his past relationships isnt going to tell you that, he might have been a great boyfriend to an ex, but then could have got hurt and now treats all women terribly? Or he could go the other way, and be determined to find a lovely girl to look after? So it really wont help you!
Only his current behaviour will tell you if he is playing you. Like:
1. Does he arrange to see you, or are you doing all the chasing?
2. Does he text/call/email when you are not together?
3. Has he spoke about introducing you to his friends or family?
4. Has he been pressuring you for sex? Or has he not even tried it on?
5. Is he affectionate? I.e. holds your hand in public, arm round you etc
6. Does he take you out in public? Or does he only want to see you at his house/your house etc.
If you could answer those questions then I could probably tell you if he is playing you or not!
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A
female
reader, rubyrose +, writes (11 November 2010):
rubyrose is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah i know that his past has nothing really to do with who he is etc.. but i dont know, i suppose im just impatient to figure out what kind of guy he is and whether or not he is playing me...
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 November 2010):
Golden rule of relationships - dont ask about his past, his ex's etc. as this will only end up with you getting hurt, feeling insecure and jealous. DONT DO IT!
His past is irrelevant, what happened in his former relationships bears no impact on who he is or how he will be with you. So it is best to leave it alone, otherwise you will end up thinking about his ex, comparing yourself to her/them, wondering if you will have the same problems etc.
You will "get to the core of him" so to speak just by being with him, spending time together and enjoying each other's company. There is no need to look to the past, you are his future now so be happy with that and look forward to all the things you will learn about each other just by spending time together.
And think about it this way - you have had no past relationships, therefore he couldnt ask you any questions about that - therefore how is he ever going to get to know you? Are you saying that the only way to get to know someone is by asking about their old relationships? Obviously this is not the case, and he will get to know you deep down eventually, but it just takes time rather than questions about the past.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 November 2010):
You don't bring up past relationships. If you do, you want to keep the details vague to hopefully avoid retroactive jealousy. Many people think they can let the past be the past, but learn otherwise when they start digging. That's a topic to be approached with much caution.
Now, to get to your other questions. I think good topics of conversation would be work, family, and friends. While these seem to be rather general, you can get a good idea of what's important to him. What does he talk about when you ask him about his family? Does he complain about them? Does he talk about things they do together? The same goes for friends and work. You can get a snapshot of how positive or negative he is there, and that likely carries over to other areas of his life.
Since this is your first relationship, take your time. Don't let him rush you into anything. Move at your pace. If he's a good guy, he'll not want to push you into anything you aren't ready for.
Good luck.
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