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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyone. I've got an issue at hand I could use some advice on. I don't know if I'm just crazy or what? I've been married for 8 years and although I love and trust my husband I have recently become weary of his friendship with his former lawyer. Both he and my husband are retired now and get together for a game of golf every now and again or meet at his friend's house for coffee and a chat. There is nothing odd about the friendship at first glance. Until I saw a text his friend had sent while my husband was out in the yard. My husband texted him earlier in the day saying "Happy Father's Day. Sit back and enjoy all the love and attention. You deserve it." The text that I saw from his friend in response to my husbands was a KISSY FACE! The emoji blowing a kiss with the heart. I just thought that was so strange an exchange for two heterosexual men. What man blows another man a kiss by emoji unless there was an underlying sexual current? Also this friend is always contacting my husband about one of his computers breaking down. My husband is a technician. It's just strange that his friend was away for 3 months and came back and contacted my husband right away about a computer not turning on. He seems to always make an excuse of a computer not working to reach out to my husband. I have never seen anyone with so many computer issues! My husband responded back by saying he could go to his place to pick up his computer to take home to fix, then return it. First of all, I think Covid-19 is still with us and I don't appreciate the fact he is going there at all. We have 3 kids. Secondly, I am wondering if the friend having *computer issues* could be code for something ELSE just in case somebody like me sees their texts. Am I going crazy with my thoughts or could I be onto something? I need to know if there is more to their "friendship" than meets the eye.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2020): I'd be really careful about jumping to all sorts of conclusions over an emoji. He may have meant it in a facetious way; or intended to hit another emoji and didn't realize the one he hit.
If you frequently or habitually keep tabs on your husband; they may have a code to get him out of the house. You seem to have somewhat of a suspicious nature, perhaps you're just very inquisitive...but if you do go as far as checking his phone. I think the most effective solution to your concerns is the direct approach. Ask either one of them. Are you bisexuals?
It may have also been a set-up just to see if you'd snoop his phone; and what kind of reaction they'd get out of you.
Emojis are emojis. They are not serious, and accusing a man of being homosexual over a emoji is a far stretch. As for computer issues, that's just an excuse to get out of the house. He may not even be going to the friend's house at all. He may use him as an excuse to getaway from you; and they may just go-out for beers or whatever.
Ask him straight-out if he and his friend are having a gay-affair? Then watch his reaction. Then layout all the reasons you gave to us. Then ask him if he's having a affair with anybody else? Then justify your suspicions with some evidence. You are dealing with a lawyer after-all!
If you want to know, I think he or his friend are the two people you need to take this to. They're the ones under suspicion!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2020): You're right it would be a strange exchange between two heterosexual men. But my guess is that doesn't include your husband and his lawyer.
Sit down and ask him what's going on. Without judgement or accusations. Perhaps he'll open up to you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 June 2020):
 Are you possibly a bit jealous of this friend? Do you feel he is spending more quality time with your husband than you are? Are you perhaps tied up with caring for your children while your husband is off enjoying himself with his friend? Is there a touch of resentment there?
You say you trust your husband but you very obviously don't, otherwise you would not check his phone or doubt him. The kissy face emoji is nothing. I have sent it to friends, male and female, as a way of saying "thank you for that". It's a lighthearted - and sometimes sarcastic/ironic - way of thanking someone, as opposed to the praying hands emoji.
Did these doubts about your husband start a while back, or is it a fairly recent thing, i.e. since the lockdown? Many of us a going a touch stir crazy not being able to live our lives as normal.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 June 2020):
 There could be a ton of reasons for the kissy-face emoji. These are men who are GOOD friends, I will presume they goof with each other as well as any other adult males.
And you can't go by emojis either. They can be used entirely "sarcastic" or "ironic".
As for his computer issues, who knows? Can be that he feels it's just a more "legit" way to ask your husband to come over and hang out. Maybe he just has issues with his computer. I got one for Mother's day and we had to end up returning it and getting it replaced because of issues with it, and that was a brand new one.
If you think there is more going on, I'd say you could probably tell MORE by seeing them together in person and how they interact, rather than going through your husband's phone and letting your imagination run wild.
Also, be honest with yourself, you don't TRUST your husband. People who trust their partner don't go through their phones.
What else do you have that make you suspicious?
The fact that they like to spend time together playing golf of whatnot doesn't mean there is more to it than friendship. Maybe with the Covid lockdown they both feel an extra "need" for hanging out with someone OTHER than the family.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (25 June 2020):
 There simply isn't a quick diagnosis for this. The good news is that you haven't confronted him yet. That means you are more likely to find evidence with normal techniques.
You already check his phone. You can put a location tracking app on it. But as they often meet at his house you may need a pi to crack the code.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2020): The first thing that occurred to me about the texts, was that your husband had just told his friend to enjoy all the love and attention on Father's Day and as your husband is a father too, the blowing a kiss emoji might have been his friend's way of saying the same kind of thing back to your husband, but he conveyed it with an emoji instead of words.
They don't sound as if they see each other very often either. I doubt anything is going on.
The trouble is, once everything is viewed with suspicion, everything can seem suspect.
They probably enjoy each other's company and look forward to seeing each other. Nothing wrong with that.
My husband 'fell in love' with my sister's boyfriend. Well they fell in love with each other. They had a bromance. The whole family including spouses and girl/boyfriends went to America one year and I hardly saw my husband! He spent the whole fortnight with my sister's boyfriend. They went everywhere together, usually with their arms around each other! My husband even stared into his eyes over dinner one night and told him what long eyelashes he had! I was upset because we hadn't been together that long and I wanted him to want to spend time with me. My sister couldn't have cared less! Glad to be left alone!
BUT it wasn't anything sexual at all. They just loved each other's company. Bowled over and very pleased that as part of same non-related contingent of the family, they got on so well.
I cant think how you could find out about your situation for sure, other than ask him, but that might well be a question that your husband sorely objects to. Also people can lie when confronted with a question, so I don't really see the point. And I honestly think that if you voiced these concerns and there was nothing going on, that your husband might see you in a new and not very favourable light. Paranoid and suspicious and not at all trusting of him. Does he seem different towards you in any way? If everything's as usual then I would leave well alone.
I would chill about it and stop your imaginings.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (25 June 2020):
I suspect you are overthinking this to the hilt. Certainly the emoji thing. Sending kissy emojis sounds like lighthearted banter to me. It's just a way of saying thank you. It doesn't mean the people exchanging the emoji want to exchange bodily fluids. I use it with male and female friends with absolutely zero agenda behind it.
As for the computer "code", really? If your husband is an expert in the repair of computers, why would his friend not call on him for help? Given how much people's lives revolve around technology, I wouldn't find it at all strange that he would phone as soon as he came home to discover his computer not working.
Assuming the friend is not in a relationship, perhaps he is just lonely and desperate for companionship, especially as he is retired. Have you tried befriending him? Perhaps inviting him to join you for a meal? I think if you try to see him as a friend rather than a rival, it may enable you to calm down and have some empathy for two retired guys who enjoy each others company. You gave your children to look after while they have retired and probably have little to occupy them. Presumably you have friends too? Perhaps you need to spend more time with them so you are not so fixated on your husband's relationship with his friend?
Oh and stop snooping. That never ends well, especially when you are actively looking for something to confirm your suspicions.
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