A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost nine years, we've known each other for eleven years and our relationship has had it's ups and downs but his family has always treated me and continue to treat me like a stranger. My boyfriend's reasoning for this has alway been that he's not that close to his family but it bothers me. I come from a very close knit family and my family has welcomed him with open arms and they love him. When it comes to his family I feel like I get the cold shoulder. When we were friends his family didn't have a problem with me and they seemed warm but once we started dating they started to change. When we first started dating we both still lived with our parents but we were young adults and his mother began to have issues with him coming home at a certain time from spending time with me. When I had my first christmas dinner with his family the only person that would talk to me was his father but his mother was quiet and staring at me like she was trying to find a flaw. I noticed since the beginning his mother is very judgmental but I've always been nice,humble and respectable in her presence. I've never given his family a reason not to like me. His mother has said mean things to me and about my family but I've always taken the high road. My boyfriend even confronted her on her behavior and her not liking me but of course she denied it and claimed that was just how she is as a person. His little sister was very warm and nice towards me in the beginning but as time progressed she has become passive aggressive and short towards me. One Thanksgiving that he spent with my family, she sent him a sad text about him not being there with her and she being in his life before I was, I guess trying to guilt trip him for spending time with me. Ive heard her say slick comments about me and my family under her breath and when I ask her questions she only gives me one word answers. Also, when me and my boyfriend comes around she tries to act like I'm not even there. I've never confronted her on her behavior because I know how much my boyfriend loves his sister and I always felt the need to be the bigger person. The last time I came into their home, his mother made a big deal about me being there and it was embarrassing to me because they also had family there from out of town. When me and my boyfriend moved into our first apartment they came over I guess to be nosy but they have never been to our newest home. His sister came over once but never came inside. The last family dinner was cold and awkward. It was suppose to just be me, my boyfriend and his grandmother but his family wanted to tag along, I don't know why but it ended up being awkward. His mother and sister didn't say anything to me so I decided to talk to his grandmother while they just observed and talk about me under their breath. They also tried to start some drama and say that the waitress was flirting with my boyfriend and I felt like they were trying to get me to act out of character in front of grandma. I was so close to just walking out of the restaurant but again I felt the need to be the bigger person. When his family does actually talk to me they only ask questions about my family and not about myself and what I have going on in my life. I feel like they don't care for me personally.
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (29 June 2020):
Note*** You said your BOYFRIEND's Family doesn't like you.
You did not say "My HUSBAND's Family". Boyfriends are not always meant to be your life partner. They are meant to be your life lessons. If you have a boyfriend now, and things are not what you would want for your future husband...Why oh why are you still with him???
I know...You will say you are still with him because you love him. But love and wisdom are two different things. The wise thing to do is to find a guy where all the pieces fit together. Wouldn't you LOVE that??
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2020):
 You can't MAKE them like you. Not one bit. If you have been trying for 11 years and haven't gotten anywhere, I'd stop trying.
If you plan on marrying your BF and having kids, DO remember, they will be your kids' grandmother and aunt.
I'd honestly STOP going to their house and visit. HE (your BF) can go but why bother? If they after 11 years can't even be civil, it's time to put yourself first. Some of my husband's family are just plain rude (and some are just nasty) and if HE wants to go see them, he can go by himself - IF our kids want to go, they can go to, if they don't I'm CERTIANLY not going to make them. Life is too short to deal with some people, it's just not worth it. (in my book). And I'm not really a difficult person to be around. I can behave civil, polite if and when I want to. I will however shut down drama right away.
I'd suggest to your BF that he just goes by himself because you really don't enjoy visiting them but you also don't want him to feel he AHS to stop seeing them too. Be busy those days.
Your BF doesn't HAVE to choose a side here, he can go see HIs family when/if he wants to and he is welcome with your family too. But if you feel things are just uncomfortable around them, don't do that to yourself.
And yes, there are times to take the high road, no doubt. Like when you saw the grandmother at the dinner out at a restaurant. I bet you... Grandma saw what was going on. She saw that you were polite to her and attentive and that your BF's mom and sister were rude. If nothing else that will give you a "good point" in grandma's book. And next time you and your BF invite grandma out to eat, make sure your BF knows it will just be the 3 of you. The mom and sister didn't "just" show up. Either grandma or your BF mentioned the dinner and they invited themselves.
I do think WiseOwlE hit on something else. IF your BF goes to his mom/sister whenever you and your BF have issues, they hear the NEGATIVE about you and want to "protect" your BF. And if your BF paints you (when he is mad at you) in a negative light, THAT is what they will see. So, that is something to think on. Not something to confront your BF with, but maybe at some point ask him to keep your issues, fights etc. between you two, not include them.
If they don't come visit you, good! Less drama! I wouldn't feel bad about that.
One last thing, when the mom said "that is just how I am" take that as a sign of WHAT kind of person SHE is, this isn't about you. It's her having no class or manners.
Keep people who add positively to your life, in your life. The negative ones? Don't work too hard to keep them around, with family you might HAVE to at time to keep the peace, in the end it's their loss, not yours.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2020): Look hon, my wife and I been married for almost 50 yrs contineous and she still considers herself an outsider to my family. She hasn't as much as picked the phone and wished any of them a happy Xmas for the past 25 yrs let alone to talk to anyone of them. This kind of behavior is quite common between husband's family and their DIL in some families. My advice just grin and bare it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2020): You've been together a total of eleven years; and within that time you should be somewhat used to his family. How often do you really have to put-up with his mother and sister after-all? I mean...seriously?!!
Women rarely hide their feelings; especially not from one-another! Hence, you'll pretty much have to deal with them from time to time...woman-to-woman; because they're not going anywhere.
You're an adult now; eleven years ago you were a kid, between 15-18. You were no threat, and had no real influence over your boyfriend at the time. Now you're a woman, likely to be his wife someday; and you have influence that will sometimes clash or or contradict his mom or sister. It seems they like pulling his strings; i.e. guilt-tripping him, side-whispering, and making you feel uneasy when they're around. Don't forget, you're no longer a child!
There is nothing we can tell you to do to make them like you again. If they ever did! It might help, if your boyfriend isn't running home when you have a fight; or airing your dirty laundry when you're having disagreements. If he's undermining or badmouthing you behind your back, what do you expect? These suggestions are purely speculative and hypothetical. If you don't know he's doing this, don't go attacking him without evidence to back you up! Just suppose! You might suggest that he shouldn't let his mom and sister know when you're having disagreements; it might give them fuel to go after you. Ultimately, you'll both make up; and it's over. They'll continuously use it as a weapon, or a reason to bash you! While they systematically build their case as to why they shouldn't like you! Remind him, just in case; that your fights and disagreements are none of their business. He's not a baby to go crying to mommy and sis! Instigating friction and causing tension he already knows exists between you!
If he doesn't even say a word about you to them, and you're "iffy" in their eyes anyway; they will speculate every fight or argument is your fault. Obviously, they will pick his side! It's natural and predictable, that's what families do.
If you're always having fights, and you're primarily the one who picks them; they might just be naturally protective, as your own family would be out of love. They don't have to be close-nit to do that, just be family...and they don't care for you much anyhow! It's hard to say they're not close, if they're always up in your face!
I've told people..."if they don't like me, or don't know how to behave in my house, don't bother to come!" You can also suggest that boyfriend call ahead and tell them to get a grip; because you're coming with him. If he won't, don't bother to go! Let him go by himself. Why deal with it, if you don't have to? You keep tagging along, knowing what's waiting for you on the other end. Why? After all this time, why deal with the same-old mess? They don't like you...who gives a flying-fig! He loves you, and your family loves you. His family is only incidental, they come as part of the package. If you're too timid to stand your ground, it will just keep happening.
I would suspect your family is on your side, when he's a getting on your nerves or upsetting you. Right? Who do you usually go to for advice or comfort when you're both at-odds? Most likely your mom and/or dad; or maybe one of your siblings. They obviously know how to stay neutral and mind their own business; apparently your boyfriend's sister and mother don't. They've decided they don't approve of you, now they're a tag-team scheming to undermine your relationship. They've got themselves an easy target; and maybe it gives them twisted-pleasure in their boring uneventful little lives to pick-on you! Time to push-back!
Your boyfriend has supported you, and stuck by you through all this. He cannot control their feelings or behavior; only make sure that they don't go out of their way to do you harm.
Choose your battles. As you have been doing; mostly, you bite the bullet. Otherwise, you bite your tongue; when you're around obnoxious and meddling-relatives, or mean in-laws who don't like you. They have a right to have their own feelings and opinions; but when they cross the line, you have a right to put everybody in their places. After-all, you don't really like them either! It's hard to after what you've described about them. The fun in it, is that they know it's getting to you!
When the shoe is on the other foot, and they are visiting your home; and start misbehaving...pull your boyfriend aside. Insist he make them show you respect; or you'll kick them out!!! Even if that will create a fight; it's better you start setting some boundaries to let them know when enough is enough! They want to show you that nothing you can do will change their dislike or low-opinion of you. Oh, but when the ball is in your court; show them where to shove-it! Use finesse, you'll learn how to do it. Takes practice! One thing I do know about women, you see through each-other; and you know exactly what buttons to push! You're out-numbered; so you deal with them one-at-a-time!
I suspect you are an attractive young-woman; and the other two women are jealous of how you've grown-up and filled-out, since you were only a girl. Jealous is the predominate reason for female in-laws, mothers, or sisters not liking a wife or girlfriend. Bigotry is another.
Some people don't have a reason at all for not liking you; so you can't become stricken and caught-up in their B.S.! You be you, and let them be them! Don't suffer trying to make them like you!!!
If too much is too much, ask your boyfriend to take you home; and tell him exactly why, right in-front of them! If he won't, call a Lyft, cab, or Uber. If he tries to pick a fight, refuse to engage him. He knows the score. If it's your car you drove, without a big dramatic-performance; excuse yourself, and leave. Let him call a Lyft, cab, or Uber! Just keep in-mind...he cannot control the feelings or behavior of his mom and sister; but he can insist they treat you with respect, and stop with the "bitchy-behavior" when they're around you!!! Call it out for what it is!
Never allow people to disrespect you in your own home. Lay-down your house-rules to these womenfolk! If they've never been to your new home, all the better! Insist they treat you like they'd want to be treated; or stay the hell away from your house! If he insists they come, go visit with your family for as long as it takes to get the point across that you've had enough of his mother and sister.
You can't keep this up forever. You must show his mother respect in her home; but you can tell his sister to go love herself. You might as well take matters into your own hands; but be classy, assertive, and tactful in the process. Taking the high-road is always best, people will provoke you to make you act out of character. Don't give them the satisfaction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2020): It does sound like they have some grievance with you, it's a long road when you are married and can't get along. Do you think it would be an idea to speak to the whole family in a quiet way, explaining that you want to get along with anyone and plan to be married for the duration, so we have a few choices? Either we try and be honest about what's going on, and start afresh, but please be conscious that you ALL play a part somehow. Forgive me if I am wrong, but I do notice in your post you say quite a bit about been the BIGGER PERSON, this type of talk can get right up peoples noses, as it carriers a superiority type of vibe, and saying that family 'tag along' is a bit rude, like they are hanging on your shirttails. Just an observation that may reflect a bit of your character that you may have to also work on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2020): OP, I do understand how you feel! You feel like an outsider! Of course Idk your bfs family, but perhaps they feel kind of like this: 9yrs is an awful long time to date, and to not get married! I mean, take a poop, or get off of the pot! Right? His parents are married and he and his sister were raised to believe in the institution of marriage. Shacking up with a girl, namely you, is not what they expect from their beloved son/brother! If his family is either Jewish or Christian, this is not what GOD expects from us either! If you were his wife, I expect that you would find yourself welcomed with open arms, hugs, and kisses! As of now, you are the girl who is shacked up with their son, and that is just the truth of it.
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