A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I have a bit of a problem. The worst first. Sophomore year I KNOW there is something wrong with me. I do what every guy does but it's once day in the shower done and over with. I'm quiet so I'm pretty sure parents aren't aware. Still, a few times a night I wake up doing it. Loudly and damn near violently. Wake up my parents multiple times. Usually standing in the middle of my room looking purely insane. Unaware of Dad trying to put a stop to it Mom is scared Dad is embarrassed Humiliating conversation time. I get therapy and meds no one talks about it. Still happening but rarely. I have a semi girl friend since fifth grade. My only friend. I bat her braid around every chance I get, compliment her on how red it is and wonder to myself if she has freckles on her boobs. I'm painfully shy so nothing happens until I get pantsed in gym. Addison takes me into the hall, gives me a pop and a hug and I fall in fifth grade love. We're still best friends in eighth grade and we've progressed to making out and dry humping. Not often, we're supervised all the time. I think it's awesome but I'm getting frustrated. I say nothing to her about it and she's the one who always makes the first move because I told her it was all on her.Sophomore year hits and we're less supervised and she's teasing me half to death. I say nothing until sleep disorder happened. I decided to have a mature conversation with her so I do what my dad does. I pour us both a double shot of bourbon and we sit on the patio. I'm so serious she bursts into tears. She thinks I'm dumping her. I'm confused. I finally tell her how frustrated I am it's making me nuts and I don't know what to do. Make it 100% clear I'll never hurt her but I need her help. Basically we agree to take breaks during make out time and totally embarrassed I tell her I'll let her know when I need to chill for a minute. She then drops the bomb that playing with yourself is bad. I was just about to blurt out my sleep disorder so I shut up. She then suggests oral when she feels ready. I agree and tell her to let me know. Oral is ok, jerking it is not. Makes no sense but whatever. Junior year it happens. Next to a water cooler in a friend's grandma's basement at a party. Not drunk, only a few beers. Her idea all the way. Go upstairs, spend the rest of the party totally mute but grinning like a moron. That is where we are at at 21 years old.We're nursing students taking break from school, both live at home and things are great. No sex till marriage, oral ok, playing with yourself bad. I'm cool with all of this. I honestly care for her a great deal we're best friends. We're going to a wedding in a few weeks. I'm in it. She's my guest. We're set up with a hotel room. Parents are apprehensive but we're adults. I'm looking forward to the wedding and holding her all night long. But sleep disorder. She doesn't know. It happens rarely but it happens sometimes still. Why I can't be normal and just sleep walk or take a leak in a fake plant I don't know.What if she wakes up to that and gets scared? What if I'm not standing in the middle of the room loudly violating myself? What if I stay next to her or do the unthinkable? Please understand that I would never in a million years hurt her. I accidentally hit her in the face with a tennis ball in gym once and I felt awful for weeks. I am so upset now but unsure how to bring it up. I can't uninvite her but I'm terrified. Do I just pop caffeine pills all night and stay awake? Any ideas here?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2020): Ok yes. I should talk to Addison. She's a nursing major like me and we both are 21. We have taken most our classes together. Both made the dean's list almost every semester. I have not always been good at science. Eighth grade science I sat with my head between my knees trying not to puke while she snapped open the poor dead frog's jaw. Then she washed her hands, sat me up and made me breathe. She took me to the nurse - again - this blunt German lady who gave me vapor rub
. I found out in college my problem is not puke poop pee or blood. It's damn formaldehyde. My other downside is spelling. Anyway out of all our clinicals are concerned I am stuck between pediatrics and psch. I've been spit on, bit, puked on and had poop thrown at me and while it wasn't fun most of the time it's super awesome. Like the time this ten year old with autism spent 45 minutes telling me about how he was part werewolf while we chilled in the kitchen because we were waiting on children's services to show up? Awesome. I felt awful his mom was passed out in the bathroom from a heroin overdose but it was awesome he let me give him his shot and talked to me. I have no clue how he's doing. Addison likes labor and delivery. She has stayed up way past her shift singing to and giving baths to babies addicted to crack or heroin.
My point is Addison I know deep in my heart won't be mad at me. We last time we got to work and go to school were deep in the ghetto. My car got broke into more than once. What scares us most is that babies and children have to grow up like this. All we both want to do is me: have a real conversation. Her: cuddle.
I will try to tell Addison. I'm not sure what her problem with playing with yourself is
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 June 2020):
 I’m sorry you are dealing with this. If you trust her enough to share a room and be romantically or sexually involved, you should trust her enough to tell her about this.
That said, it would be wise to sleep in separate rooms anyway. It could be traumatising to wake up and see it, possibly fearing assault, even if you’re unaware of it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2020):
 I get the initial fear, but the thing with secrets? They come out eventually, and if you tell it to her yourself it would be better than her experiencing it and not knowing that it's something you have no control over, right?
I think I would be scared if I didn't know that you did this and it happened. If I knew it COULD happen it wouldn't freak me out.
You have no control over this. It is not your fault. You are working on fixing it.
BUT if it really really scares you and you don't want to tell her? Don't sleep in the same room.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2020): You and Addison have been attached at the hip since 5th grade - age 10&11? Okay, now that you're adults you can have an adult conversation minus the booze. Do I think you abuse alcohol? Not really, but the focus should be the conversation. PLEASE tell Addison about sexsomnia and what it is. Stress to her that a person is not in control of themselves when they are sleeping. No more than a sleepwalker is. If she can grasp this, you can tell her YOU suffer from this disorder and don't want to lose her over something you can't help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2020): You might have a condition called sexsomnia. People may have sleep sex and be totally unaware of what they're doing. I've heard of it before. I understand that it is similar to sleepwalking; but people may engage in masturbation, have intercourse, or fondle other people without being conscious of it. It's a parasomnia (sleep disorder that involves unusual behavior), but it's a very rare condition. Your parents know that it's a mental-health disorder, and shouldn't feel ashamed. I'd never heard of the condition; until I saw something about it on the news. It was a few years ago, a guy was accused of sexually-assaulted his ex-girlfriend in his sleep.
Most people suffering the disorder are like you; it's sexual-activity while they're sound asleep.
Before you share a bed with her, you should tell her that you have a disorder similar to sleep-walking. I'm a bit concerned.
I strongly suggest that you discuss this with your doctor; and make sure that you seek a professional-opinion about sharing a night in bed with someone you're strongly sexually-attracted to. For her safety and yours. The possible legal ramifications are far too risky.
If anything should happen that you couldn't control; it would be much more than unfortunate.
Get separate rooms. I am almost certain that your doctor will suggest the same.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2020): HoneyPie: I'm scared to tell her because Addison thinks it's wrong to play with yourself. That's what I do in my sleep. I don't want her to get mad about it. I've been told it's not my fault and that it's because "trauma" when I was 4-6. I don't want to explain to her that babysitter's son showed me his piranhas and told me he'd dunk my hand in the tank if I didn't do as ordered. I don't want to explain all that and I'm afraid she'll ask. It's bad enough in therapy. I quit going and told them their fish tank was too loud. I still take meds. I don't want to lose her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 June 2020):
Just tell he beforehand. How hard is that?
It's not like you can help having a sleep disorder. My husband is dealing with PTSD and would have night-terrors the first couple of years after his last deployment. It was scary, but more scary for him.
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