A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I had a 'phone relationship' with an old college friend (I was somewhat involved with back in 1984) which lasted 5 months. Back in May he was supposed to visit me (first time we would have seen each other in 30 years), when he canceled at the very last minute. Some weeks after that he told me he had met somebody. I let him know that I wasn't going to continue speaking on the phone. Why should I endure continued heartache when he is with someone else? Our 30 year college reunion was last month. I flew up to the college. Two days before the event, he calls me after months of silence. He says he's unhappy, that 'this has to end soon', that 'there is no future' in it (referring to his new woman) He wanted to see me prior to the event but I told him I already had plans with friends. I told him I'd see him at the event, and that if he wished to talk to me, he'd have my attention after the event. So we agreed to that. In the meantime, the next day he calls me 5 times. ( I didn't respond to his calls)He shows up to the event. WITH the woman. So I figure, oh hell, I have no idea what this is about. Going to just enjoy myself at the event. But honestly, I was in a complete haze. Just knowing he was sitting there a seat away from me. The next day he calls and says he wants to meet for lunch before I fly the following day. I agree. Curious as to what the heck was going on. He cancels 10 minutes before the lunch date, claiming he got called into work. While speaking on the phone he says some unsettling things like 'it was love at first sight', and 'it just happened' (about this woman) and that he needs to visit me, and that he was going to call me when I got home the next day. Four weeks later, no call. No contact at all. I think this is just about as messed up as it gets. And we are 50 year olds. I think he's made a bad mistake thinking it was 'love at first sight' when it was simply lust. True love doesn't burn out in a few months, right? Still, in my gut, I am thinking. I deserve someone crazy about me. And that this man is not making any effort to try and remedy this situation. I guess I don't really have a question about anything. Just looking for some confirmation about why or how things went so wrong. I'd like to get this man off my heart, but I still think about him, and wish things were different. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 November 2012):
 Look, this is going to sound so disgustingly maudlin that I am blushing while I type, but it's absolutely the truth.
The BEST Xmas Eves of my life have been those I spent answering calls at a suicide prevention hotline. I have family, and plenty of friends. A ( rocky ) partnership too, then. But the love I felt washing over me at the hotline , - the gratitude and affection and warmth I felt in response to my awkward platitudes- it was really overwhelming. You may say, it was not love, it was need- coming from lonely, desperate people - maybe. Whatever. The point is , that little I could do was a lot for them, and they felt it in their hearts, and let me feel that in return.
That 7 hours of flute you are going to play for the homeless may be the ONLY good thing some of them get on their day- or in their year . Or in their life. They'll know it and treasure it and cherish it maybe forever.
Oh gosh, this is sounding more and more like that Xmas movie with James Stewart, lol.
But, my point is : you need a perception shift. You are not some poor pathetic non- desSript creature that spends Xmas with strangers because she's go no bf,- you are a strong, powerful, talented person that makes a difference in people's life. You are a creator- of music and of joy. Literally, of good vibrations :).
So you have no Prince Charming right now. Big deal. First , you are 50, not quite ready yet for the glue factory. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully you still have many many tomorrows.
Second, love is an energy - a flow. I think what you are missing is that energy, that should not necessarily proceed from having beside you a man to take you to the restaurant etc.. Sure, duh, it's better having a loving and loved partner- and a sexy one too, because, again, 50 is not late for being a sexual being. But ,in lack of that, or waiting for that, you've got to find ways to let that energy in through other channels. Friends, for instance. Real friends. Not like this phone ( and phony ) guy.By real ,meaning both trustworthy and sincere and consistent AND also ...more than just a voice from your distant past over your phone.
I think you got so shocked by this " friend"'s behaviour... because you projected on him your needs wants and expectations. You wanted so much him to be a friend, or much more in fact- that you basically tried to fit a square peg in a round hole, disregarding what was actually going on. It's not that this friend betrayed your trust- it's that he was a selfish dick to begin with all along.
Learn to be more discriminating, more demanding in a way- you've got valuable things to offer - I don't know you , but I can name at least two: a good heart and an artistic talent - you don't have to beg for crumbs of romance or crumbs or attention. Just in order not to be alone.
Nobody is alone. You are not alone. At the very least , you have got YOURSELF , and the wonderful things you do for other people. As well of course, the Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Holidays wishes from the Aunts :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is really hard to see my old friend in these terms.
I can't believe he would do such things like this to me. If that's what I can expect from a friend, then what can I expect from a perfect stranger?
Sad, but you all are most likely right.
It feels like something went very wrong here. I should have been spending Thanksgiving/Christmas with him, and I am totally alone. No family at all.
I will perform my Christmas music at the Salvation Army dinner for the homeless tomorrow. 7 hours of Flute/Sax. This will be my 4th year doing this.
I was hoping that I might have at least one loved one to gather around a table with, but it was not to be.
Please pray that there is someone out there for me. Thank you all for your responses.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): I agree don't give this guy the time of day. He used you and he has no heart to show up with her. Ignore him completely and get on with you life. I think at his age he is single for a reason. He's a selfish jerk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2012): I definitely agree with you and I agree with all the aunts who replied to you. You deserve better than someone who obviously does not know what he wants. Good for you that you did not cancel your plans with your friend for him and please don't feel bad that you agreed to meet him for lunch, despite of the fact that he cancelled 10 minutes before. Just forget about him, he isn't worth your time and your care, look after yourself and all the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 November 2012):
 The only thing this guy is interested in is getting his ego stroked.
Honestly, I would block his number - delete/block him from any social website, same for e-mail and accept that he is NOT the good guy you thought he was. He is a selfish indulgent person.
Whether he made a mistake with this other lady or not, it really is MOOT point - look at how he treated you. He got you hooked and led you on for as long as he could, til he actually had to MET up then he "magically" found another woman. Well, that must MEAN that he was LOOKING for someone "better" or "greener grass" whilst wooing you on the phone.
I would not be surprised if this guy has MANY profiles on MANY dating websites - and if he has been dating several women at the same time. He seems to fit the "mold" of such a guy.
OF COURSE you deserve a guy who is utterly nuts about YOU - not keeping you around as a safety blanket in case he can't find someone "better".
Remove him from your life. Move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): You're right you deserve better than some man who doesn't know who he wants from one moment to the next. You could never rely on him, because something always comes up & he cancels. Best way to get over someone, end all contact. If you see it is him calling, don't take the calls & don't listen to the messages.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012): First I think you should give yourself credit for not cancelling any of your plans with friends to meet him.He likely needs to make sure he always has a plan "in-case" he should have to be alone.Cancel once life happens, cancel twice....he has a problem and not worth your attention.
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