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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I want to lose my virginity with my boyfriend.We are both virgins,and both the same age.Anyone have any tips on how the first time should be ?.So far,i have been on top of him while we were both wearing our underwear.I was just wearing my knickers ( or panties,if there are Americans reading this,i'm from the U.K ),didnt have my bra on though,and he had his underwear on too.We did this as we are taking things one step at a time.We wanted to get a feel of what having sex could be like,without actually going all the way yet.Sorry if this is too much information,i just thought i'd let you know what we have done so far,incase it helps with your suggestions on when we do it properly.He has also masturbated me by putting his hand under my underwear,and i have masturbated him,although i am still practising it with him yet,as in i havent got him to reach orgasm yet.I have reached orgasm when he has masturbated me,and also when i have been on top of him.Sometimes when i am on top of him,he touches, kisses and sucks on my breasts aswell,and touches my clitoris,sometimes he does both at the same time and that helps me orgasm.So,obviously,we want to try actual intercourse,with him going on top aswell.He also wants to try giving me oral sex.We havent discussed me giving him oral sex,but does anyone have any tips on oral sex,for him and me ,just incase ?.Also,i read,it was on another post here actually,that it is more comfortable for the female to go on top for the first time,or first few times,until the female gets used to it,as if the man is on top,it can hurt more or cause more pressure.Is that right ?.Any advice on how i can get him to orgasm aswell ?.I know it takes alot of practice though.Also,he wants me to try doing stuff with the light on,we have only done stuff in the dark so far.I thought about making a compromise,maybe have the lights off and just have candlelight ?.Also,does music help,and what kind of music should be playing ?.I'm so worried about it hurting,or not liking the feel of the condom,yes,we will use protection,and about accidentally getting pregnant.But i really want to do it.We have both enjoyed everything we have done so far.Even though he hasnt reached orgasm yet,he has been aroused alot,which i'm happy about !.Also,i moan alot when i orgasm,but he has only made abit of noise so far,Maybe that will change.I thought i would be embarrassed about that at first,but i thought to myself that there is no need to be embarrassed.It's natural,and he enjoys me making noise anyway,and infact,i enjoy myself so much that i dont care what i sound like !.I dont just moan though,sometimes i say things like " come on baby " or " that feels good " or " oh god ".lol,sorry if this is too much for you to read about !.One more thing,i worry about the neighbours aswell.We would do it in his apartment since he lives on his own,butt hey have thin walls !.Lol,he has said though that he has heard the neighbours himself sometimes too !.Anyone else ever felt embarrassed about neighbours ?.He seems to be more confident about doing it than i am.He said he will be slow and gentle with me though.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, tra40d  +, writes (1 February 2009):
 All good advice here and not a lot to argue with at all. Candlelight is great, as well as smoochy music, but what you need more than anythingis to be stimulated mentally.ALL good sex starts in the mind.Spend as much time before "the night" exciting each other and describing what you would do and how you feel about each other as graphically and/or romantically as suits you best.You have laid good groundwork and know broadly what you want, but there seem to be a few hang-ups for both of you.I'm a little concerned that your b/f doesn't cum that readily. I have a terrific instruction message that a lady sent to me once, but the moderator will erase it totally if I post it on here. Email me here at Dear Cupid and I'll tell you more.Back to basics. The mood is set, conditions are right, you cannot be interrupted (hotel is ideal) and you are fired up sexually.Relax.Sex is great and should be fun. Above all it should be fun.So what if you get it wrong? Climb back on and start again!After relaxing, the next most critical thing is foreplay. Lots of it.The more you stimulate your bodies, the easier and more natural it will be.You, for a start, will be well lubricated and less likely to hurt. Nevertheless, it will doubtless help to use a good lubricant like K-Y jelly.Make sure that your b/f brings you off several times before penetration, either by fingering you or licking and sucking your cl*t.Can you/he find your g-spot?Mr. Moderator, please don't delete the following, it's not rude but educational........It's a pleasure centre comparable to your cl*t and can be found on the front wall of your vagina, about 1-2 inches in.Feel for a roughened area of skin where all around is smooth.I like to press it with my first two fingers, firmly, so as to raise the cl*t proud and take the cl*t into my mouth and suck and nibble - an intense orgasm ought to follow!After a good number of non-penetrative orgasms, your body will be greatly relaxed and ready for sex.He will be so turned on, I hope, that he will forget his own orgasm difficulties and cum lots when he enters you.You must make your own decisions regarding contraception, or heed the advice of the other respondents; I wouldn't presume to direct you there, except to say that it might be helpful to have a "Morning-After" pill handy in case things go wrong or you feel the need for reassurance?I wish you well. Sex is a commitment, and also more your business than mine.But it is also great fun and a bringer of tremendous pleasure.Ron.65, and still enjoying it!A lot!
A
male
reader, daletom  +, writes (11 December 2008):
It's normal to be nervous, even fearful (not necessarily a bad kind of fear) about your first sexual experience. It sounds like you two have taken reasonable steps to get yourselves physiologically ready to add sex to your relationship. And, it's obvious you have some respect for your sexuality and value it. Are you mentally and emotionally ready for this step? Have you talked about what it means to each of you, what you expect from each other, subjects like "life partners" or "marriage", etc?
There is plenty of information available to answer your question - it gets asked 3 or 4 times a week around here. {For proof of that, look through the threads tagged as "virginity" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/category/virginity ] or "still a virgin" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/keyword/still a virgin ].}
Some threads I contributed to include "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
(For the record, I was 23 when I had my first-time. The story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us!)
A few comments about specific things you mentioned:
- Guys are generally not as vocal as girls during sex. He almost certainly gets a lot of satisfaction from your sounds. You need to gently encourage him to be more expressive (without faking it!). It will probably take a while before he cooperates, though.
- He is the best person to teach you how to bring him to orgasm. There are probably some mental and emotional factors, as well as physiological, that are affecting this. (For instance, a strict upbringing that emphasized ALL extramarital sex as wrong.) He may not even be able to tell you how best to pleasure him. You will have to learn to "read" his body and responses - which is actually a very loving and rewarding thing to do as you add sex to your relationship!
- When it is time, go someplace where you have total privacy and plenty of time. At least most of a day, or an entire overnight; a whole weekend is better. Rent a hotel room, so there aren't any neighbors to worry about!
- Candles, music, champagne, flowers, etc, etc, can be a memorable romantic touch - or a source of stress as you worry about making everything "just perfect". Don't let the external details get in the way of what you're doing with each other. In retrospect, I DO wish that my wife and I had done some kind of ceremony, or exchanged some trinket gift, after we took each others' virginity.
- Lights on or off? I think most people like subdued lighting, and enjoy letting their partner see their body. I certainly enjoy seeing my lover's body and her responses to what we do! If you aren't yet comfortable with shared nakedness some compromise may be appropriate. (Or, it could indicate you aren't quite ready to add sex to your relationship.)
- The consensus seems to be that it's less uncomfortable for a girl if she's on top for her first time. That gives you the control to make things line up "just right" and proceed at the best pace. He has NO IDEA how it's feeling to you, and not much more information about where the entrance is, the best angle to enter, etc. But, being on top may also feel so awkward and embarrassing that you can't do it. The pain you experience may range from "none at all" to "hurts like hell". Much of it probably comes from having some internal muscles stretched for the very first time, rather than rupturing your hymen.
- (I may get flamed for this.) Think carefully about the "condoms" decision. Both pregnancy and diseases are VERY REAL problems that you can not ignore!! But "condoms" isn't the only answer. The fact is, you are likely to use them incorrectly - and get none of the protection you are needing. Your first time will involve a lot of nervousness, fumbling, and learning - learning to use condoms will be one more thing on a long list of things. Consult with health professionals and see if there are other approaches to birth control and disease prevention that are more suitable for your first experiences.
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A
female
reader, xxidkxx +, writes (9 December 2008):
 hey, i just recently went threw what your trying to do.me and my boyfirend just had sex, and he went down on me as well for the first time.before we did any of this we would do what you guys were doing, as in just fourplay and dryhumping.witch was fun, but we wanted to see what it was like to go further,we we decited to wait untell it was our one year (november 14.) witch we didnt do it that day because we didnt have pretectionwe we got some and the mood was great, but we didntuse it.he pulled out and everything but it was tsill scarry.so my advice would be to use it no matter what,as of, it hurting,people are all different.it felt more of uncomfortable at first then accualy hurting, as we went on it got better. and started to feel more plesure then pain,but like i said everyones different.good liuck, tell me how it goes.
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A
female
reader, xxidkxx +, writes (9 December 2008):
hey, i just recently went threw what your trying to do.me and my boyfirend just had sex, and he went down on me as well for the first time.before we did any of this we would do what you guys were doing, as in just fourplay and dryhumping.witch was fun, but we wanted to see what it was like to go further,we we decited to wait untell it was our one year (november 14.) witch we didnt do it that day because we didnt have pretectionwe we got some and the mood was great, but we didntuse it.he pulled out and everything but it was tsill scarry.so my advice would be to use it no matter what,as of, it hurting,people are all different.it felt more of uncomfortable at first then accualy hurting, as we went on it got better. and started to feel more plesure then pain,but like i said everyones different.good liuck, tell me how it goes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Thanks for your reply. i agree that the candles are a good compromise,and will help set the mood. Perhaps music would help too.I'd like to try me being on top first and see if it helps that way, and maybe do that for the first few times, until i get used to it probably. After all, i will be the one who risks getting hurt from it, if it hurts.He does masturbate himself,and says he reaches orgasm while doing it. However he says he doesnt really make any noise, so i could feel abit self conscious if i make alot of noise and he doesnt. He said the way i will be able to tell if he is having an orgasm, is if he pushes himself up against me quite hard while i am on top of him, and if he starts moving faster.He also holds my hand sometimes when i am on top of him. I'm not sure what that means,i guess its a sign to say he is enjoying it. He puts his hand on the pillow and then holds my hand. He said he has thought about things we have done before when he masturbates,and that helps him to reach an orgasm, so that must be a good sign !.He said he was watched porn sometimes as well and masturbated to it. I'm in two minds about porn. In a way, i think it would be good for us both to watch together, as sometimes it is a turn on, although i find some of it too vulgar. I think if we were going to watch anything, it should just be a sex scene in a romantic film, since they arent necessarily as graphic. Maybe he has watched those kind of scenes in a romantic film too. And when guys watch porn, i dont know if they prefer the women in that, or if my boyfriend would be thinking of me while he is masturbating to it. When i have watched it though, i have just imagined it was me and him.I havent been looking at the guy on the screen and preferred him to my boyfriend. Again,sorry if this is too much detail !.I do want to do it, but i'm understandably nervous too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): i just wanted to correct myself, in the 6th paragraph i meant to say 'from what i know, if the girl...'
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): im still a virgin so i'm probably not the best person to try and answer this....well you're obviously both ready, which is good. the candles sound good to me - that way he gets his way of having some light, and candles are supposed to be romantic so that should help set the 'mood' personally when i loose my virginity i wanna do it in the missionary position - apparently its really intimate, so my friends have told me anyway.as for making him orgasm - does he masturbate himself? if he does then he should know what feels right for him and maybe he could guide you to help you make him orgasm.as far as i know sex hurts the first time because the hymen breaks - if i understand that right lol. well from what if the girl is on top she can control how far the penis enters her, which can help reduce/limit pain. i understand why you would worry about the neighbours, but i wouldnt worry about it too much, after all its only natural.i hope this answers some of your question - i'll leave the rest up to the more experienced agony aunts/uncles lolgood luck xx
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