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male
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anonymous
writes: I met my Wife when I was 21 and she was 17, we were both virgins and this was our first serious relationship for both of us. We have now been together for 17 years and happily married for the last 11 years, we also have an 8 year old boy and a 3 year old boy.My wife is a very caring person and works as a Nurse for a living, she would never intentionally hurt anybody and in the whole 17 years we have been together I can't think of one white lie she has told. However, 3 weeks ago she broke down in tears and told me she has had an affair. I cant be certain she was going to tell me but was pressurised into it as the guys wife was phoning her and calling around the house.In 2003 my mother died and what makes this harder is she started the affair in July 2004 when things were really looking up for us, our youngest wasn't quite 1 year old, we had both been promoted and just bought a holiday home. We spend every weeked together and they got together only 6 times (or so I am told) when she was away on courses and they apparantly made love once in our house and once in his when she was on a day off.I would have bet everything I own that my wife would not cheat on me, just shows how wrong you can be. We had something special together the fact we had only slept with each other and that has gone forever now, I have never been hurt so much in all my life, I know I will miss her if we part company but I can't seem to get the idea of the two of them together out of my head. When we met she was adament that I wouldn't get a second chance so why should I give her one now?We have talked a lot in a bid for me to forgive her, I have asked detailed questions and I believe she has told me the truth in confessing as she told me she had given this guy a blow job, something she has been adament she wouldnt do for me. She tells me she felt obliged to do it for him as he had performed oral sex on her, I regularly perform oral on my wife but she never feels obliged to do it to me. She has begged and cried non stop for me not to leave her, she says she didnt intend it to happen it just happened and she is really sorry and loves me. She says see will never do it again as she never wants to go through this again, part of me believes this but then I remind myself that she was never the kind of person to do this in the first place and has told me huge lies. At one point I suspected she was having an affair and questioned her about receiving texts from this guy only to be told he was a good freind and "whats up dont you trust me".She has promised to try and perform Blow Jobs on me and says she doesnt know why she wont, its all in the head but she will try her best to get over it.What do you think, should I stay or should I go? Will I ever learn to stop thinking of the two of them together? If we do work things out how can I get he round to giving me a blow job? as I have always settled for the fact that she wasnt happy with doing so, but now I really feel the need to experience a proper blow job and I am scarred that I may put my marriage on the line sometime in the future to find out for myself if she doesnt get her head around it? How daft does that sound? PS- We have talked and talked about why she did it, all as she can say is she was stupid and she was happy with me she doesnt know why it happened but it was nothing I had done or not done that caused her to stray.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust thought I would give an update on my situation. Since my Wife told me about the affair we have discussed in detail all aspects of our life and why she did this. She can not give me an answer as to why, she says she never stopped loving me, never stopped fancying me and didnt have any other problems with me. It seems she just got flattered by this Guy and things went from their. She has been close to breaking down at the thought I might leave her and I can see she truely regrets what she has done, she is adamant it wont happen again as she never, never wants to put me or herself through this terrible pain again.
I honestly beleive that once she came out and told me about the affair, everything I have asked has been answered truthly, such as my question about the oral sex (which she would never perform on me). She also insists that although this has been going on for some 15 months they have only slept together 6 times and they never planned to get together, I believe this as we have a busy social life together and she has never cancelled anything or made an excuse to sneak off somewhere, the only time they got together was whilst away with work and on two of the days she was of work. It really does seem like she lost her way and truely thought that it was all just a bit of fun that I would never find out about and what I dont know wont hurt me.
Am I mad to believe her (I dont know if I know anything anymore), all as I know is I still feel deeply for her and do still love her, I dont want to loose her and if I were to leave her I would live the rest of my life asking What if I'd given her a second chance?
I decided to stick around and see if we could work things out, and things were great, the only problem is I felt the need to keep bringing it up and asking the same questions to which there is no answer, my wife then feels very remorseful and has come close to breaking point. If we have a future together I know I've got to accept her appology and let it drop. It was our wedding anniversary last Saturday and to try and put it behind us I booked a suprise romantic trip for 4 nights in a 4 star Hotel in Venice, this was absolutly fantastic and majical, for the first time I really was able to put it behind me, any negative thoughts that came up dissapeared just as quick due to the majical time we were having together. My wife was made up and so so happy, it was like starting our relationship from scratch again and really feels like we have fallen in love again (even though we still loved each other) and that is just what I wanted it to be a new start.
Been back now for 3 days and trouble is the thoughts of what she has done keep creeping back, I know she does truely still love me and we have proved how good things can be together. I keep telling myself thats what is important is that she loves me and we do have a future together, I am also trying to think of the good time we had in Venice (which couldnt have been any better, it truely was fantastic). I guess only time will truely heal my thoughts drifting back but would love to hear your opinion as to any ways in which I can put these thoughts right to the back of my mind. (I was going to say erase but I know I will never forget).
Some people say that after an affair it is possible to go on and have a much better relationship than before, at the moment thats just how it feels but I cant stop these negative thoughts drifting back. I really hope these will drift away and hope that our relationship will contine to be much better than before.
Oh, by the way, whilst in Venice my Wife actually performed oral sex on me, it was fantastic and I hope she will continue in the future, I know she really doesnt relish the thought of oral sex and I guess I need to just let it be and if it happens, it happens.
I would welcome your comments even if you think I'm a nut case staying with her?
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (22 May 2006):
 You and your wife have a serious problem, and one of the obvious root causes is a lack of communication. Your wife is still hiding the real reason for having the affair. When she responds "I don't know why I cheated on you - it was stupid of me" what she is really saying is "I am not ready to tell you the actual reason - either because I don't want to or I haven't yet discovered it."
If she doesn't come clean and tell you what is on her mind when she evaluates your marriage then you can kiss that marriage good bye. You should be relentless in your pursuit of the reasons behind her infidelity instead of pursuing the meaningless details of the affair - you won't find the root causes there. If you and your wife are serious about getting past this mistake, I recommend that you both agree to go to counselling so that both you and her can plainly see the root causes for this breakdown. The reasons why she cheated extend far beyond the shallowness of sex; furthermore it is possible that you have some unrealized baggage that contributed to her desire to cheat.
Be prepared to hear something you don't expect if she decides to let you in on the real reasons for her infidelity. I wish you luck.
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male
reader, helpme100 +, writes (22 May 2006):
Wow, I just read your message and I feel that you have just described what I am going through except my girlfriend has cheated on me at the age of 21 and 24 before we got married and had a family. She is a nurse and we were both each others first and engaged to be married. After discussing details I found out she was doing things with the other guy she refused to do with me. What the hell is up with some women. I know how you feel, you picture them together all the time and it makes you feel physically sick. I bet you probably suffer from short panic attacks as well and cant stop talking about it because you just couldn't believe this could possibly happen. I've ended my relationship and it hurts like hell. I do not really have the life experience to advise properly but I think you should probably separate from her. You really have no way to guarentee she would not do it again or worse - leave you completely because you still don't know why she did it.
I know it will be hard on your children but think of all of the other possible scenarios. Growing up in a house where their mum and dad constantly argue. You might find that you will be the one initiating the arguements and your kids will see this and resent you for it. You would have to then explain to them why, when their old enough to understand. I'm so sorry to hear this has happened because until she gives you a plausible explanation, your mind will be in torment. Your kids will always come first. I think you should focus on your kids as they are the good part of your relationship.
I hope you can find some peace.
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A
male
reader, Sparks +, writes (19 May 2006):
 This is a very tragic situation, for the lack of a better word, and a very complex one too. There’s no simple answer as to what should be done.
Indeed, you had something special, as you seem to be doing reasonably well financially, you have two children, and you had only had intimacies with each other. You had something rare. Life was anywhere near perfect until she did what she did.
Frankly, I’m very sorry to say I feel there’s no easy solution in fully restoring things back the way they were. For now you have the obvious two choices.
1) You can attempt to forgive her and understand what she did was a mistake. That will “save” your marriage and protect your kids from suffering from a divorced parents scenario. However, I don’t think that will avoid a constant sensation of paranoia – you will always feel the need to supervise your wife’s moves, to inspect what she is doing, break into her mail, etc. What’s more, anything she does will probably be interpreted by you as a suspect move, and that may lead to constant “throw it in her face” type of fighting. Also, in the short term, I doubt you will be able to remove the images of her and the other guy together from your head. Consequently your sex life will suffer tremendously.
2) You can leave and move on. On one side, you are both in your mid-30s, so there’s still time to start a new family with someone else. You will no longer have to live with a person that betrayed your trust, hurting you so much. However, you kids will probably suffer dramatically, and the truth is you still love your wife, so you will still be losing someone you love. Also, there’s the emotional trauma of a divorce and all the bad things that come from it (lawyers, having to reestablish yourself in a new place, fights over child visitation, feeling your life is ruined, etc.).
Seeing neither choice is nice, while you sleep in the sofa, I would advice you to stall on her and take your time to carefully think everything over and reconsider your options as many times as you want. Don’t take rushed up decisions, as the situation could become even more damaging.
As for the oral sex part, that’s the least of your worries. Like the previous posters said, right now you need to focus on the big picture and details of your sex life aren’t the major issue. I know the fact she performed oral sex on the other dude and refused to do it with you makes it even more disgusting, but you can worry about that later.
If you want to know what I would do, I think I would probably stay for the sake of the kids until they’ve grown up, but I don’t think I would be able to go back to bed with her. So I would probably stay in a limbo situation, as much as it sucks. If I had no kids I would probably move on.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2006): Get some help to overcome your disapointment and anger. It does help to know all the details of the affair because it
helps destroy the intimacy they shared. It restablishes your close relationship with your wife and pushes this affair further away eventually. Don't push the oral sex issue, it's common to want to reclaim her but give it time. She needs to be sorry in other ways, she has let herself down and probably feels humilliated at her own behaviour.
Seventeen years is a long time and you are not the only ones who matter, You can heal from this and it is common to want to run into recovery but believe me it takes a long time and you need help to work out your marriage issues.
It will work out but don't panic and try to make it work out overnight. Good luck, i'm soory for your pain
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2006): You haven't mentioned if she has any feelings for this man or if it was "just sex". If it was just sex. Why? Why did she feel the need to have sex with someone else?
You need to stop asking her for the nitty gritty. I know you want to know. But I know you don't. But trust me; the more she tells you- the less chance there is you of getting over this.
I think the last thing you should be doing is asking her to give you blow jobs. You need some time to pass to think about all this. You need time for the hurt to die down. And it will.
Look in to her eyes and what do you feel? Do you still love her? If you do; make a decision to get through this - and I mean completely. If you choose to continue with her, you have to make sure you never hold this against her, and reassure her you have forgiven her. I know - it's a bit messed up that SHE did the cheating but you are left having to reassure HER!
Once you have told her how this has made you feel, she should expect you to be more paranoid and insecure about YOURSELF. She should take extra care to tell you who has text her, and where she is going.
If you are finding the thoughts difficult, and you are taking it out on her, I recommmend you go and see a relate counselor to talk through this. Perhaps you should also go as a couple, as there are reasons why your wife did this and you don't seem to have addressed them. You need to be absoluetely sure that the reasons for her cheating on you are in the past and she will NEVER do any thing like this again.
Good luck with everything. I've been in a similar situation as you and can promise you it is possible to get through this, and actually be an even stronger couple.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (16 May 2006):
 Trust me. From a man who was the one doing the cheating. I was engaged when I cheated. I have regretted my actions everyday since I did. I wish everyday to take it back and I'm sure she feels the same way. Love is love. Making love starts before you even touch another person. Sex is sex. Carnal instinct. The thing that seperates humans from animals is the ability to speak. I said all that to say this; your wife loves you she lusted for him. He is nothing but what he was SEX! For her you are love and everything love embodies. You must find it in your heart to forgive and TRY TO FORGET even though hard it is doable. Believe me she is in just as much pain as you are, I know I've been there. The only thing she wants is for things to be back the way that they were. They won't off hand but eventually time will heal your wounds and you are able to progress once again, TOGETHER. You have too many years and 2 children. GOD be with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2006): Couldn't agree more with the doc... FORGET THE BLOWJOBS! They're over-rated anyway (well, except when done like HarshButFair recommended in that other question). The issue at stake is rebuilding your relationship. And for that I wish you good luck..........
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (16 May 2006):
 She may not wish to perform oral sex on you out of respect. I know it sounds funny but some women feel that oral sex is not what nice girls do (whatever the rights and wrongs of that) and that sexual relationships with your husband should be based on something rather more romantic. She may have obliged the affair-guy just because he was a throw away cheap fling so he didn't mean to her what you do.
I am sure the affair is hurtful but don't throw your marriage away on the blowjob dilemma. You also shouldn't emotionally blackmail her into providing those services to you - she should do it because she wants to or else it will be rubbish. You two clearly need professional counselling to overcome your sexual and other marital difficulties - relate or a similar organisation maybe able to help you to overcome your feelings of anger and resentment. There is no point throwing the towel in on all those years of marriage without at least trying to save it first - otherwise you maybe forever wondering 'what if'
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