A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Husband wanted us to sign prenuptials(stating that in the event of a divorce, everyone will walk away with what they had prior to the marriage.) before we got married 2 year ago. I refused though he vehemently asked for it. Well, he has requested again and i want to agree but i am not sure that it is the right thing. I have literary nothing and I'm in school. He on the other hand is quite well off(he refuses to tell me how much is in his account). If he decides to divorce me, will i just walk empty handed after spending and thereby wasting my time with him? I feel very insecure with this post nuptial arrangement.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (18 October 2013):
 Maybe he's afraid that if there's an issue with ending the marriage there will be an investigation into his finances, and he's fearful of that because his money wasn't earned legally? As in he's an embezzler or other type of white collar criminal, or maybe he's a drug dealer hiding behind a facade of respectability?
Definitely seek the advice of an attorney in your country who is familiar with your laws there, AND check out his background, before signing anything which may legally bind you to his debts.
It all sounds extremely suspicious to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2013): Your child's security rests above all. You have nothing and he's already giving himself wiggle-room should he decide to end the marriage. He learned from his first marriage and now he's using that to protect his own interests. His financial stability in comparison to yours would also put him in a better position for custodial rights to your child. You might come out on the losing end. I don't like the idea of signing prenuptial agreements; unless there is a vast fortune at stake, and you're marrying some penniless person with a questionable past. Your marriage is on shaky ground and he is trying to settle the divorce before-hand. He could cut you off at the knees, if you don't know what you're doing. Don't sign anything. If he wants a divorce, give it to him; but make him go through the legal system just like he did before. It's about financial security and stability for your child and you. He didn't have to marry you, he could have found someone of better financial standing; if that is so important to him.Harsh he is, and steadfast should you be.I have to digress to some degree from what was previouslyasked in your post.You made a decision to marry a man who is very protective of his money. You describe him as self-centered, emotionally unavailable, and controlling. He is pressuring you to just leave with the clothes on your back and few suitcases. You'd be foolish to sign anything. Did he do a 380 degree turn from who he was when you met and formed a relationship? Were you looking for financial comfort based on appearances? That is what he seems to believe.You have a child as a result of this union. If the marriage is dependent on a contract, then you know there is no love and you may as well be as ruthless as he is. You're now a lioness, protecting your cub.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2013): As others have said, this should have been worked out before the marriage. Your husband's demands sound harsh and unromantic in this situation but they are totally justifiable on raw principle IMO. As the situation stands now I think you are each in a fix. You don't know enough about your husband. He does not have a prenup. (Some people are saying "If he didn't get the prenup before the marriage then you have the right not to sign one." Okay, and by the same logic he is not entitled to ever disclose his financial situation either. How immature and petty do we want to take this?)I suggest you settle both problems in a straightforward way. You should sign a post-nup that you are both comfortable with, and he should agree to let you know a lot more about his situation. (He tells you the facts after it is signed. That is not very sweet or romantic, its just fair. A man's right to his own assets should not vary depending on how wealthy he is.)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2013): This is the OP. Thank you very much for your answers. So we talked more and to clarify; we are to sign an agreement on the terms that we have and will always have separate accounts in our marriage. I have very little in my account. I told him that i need a security backdrop just incase he is to break this union(is it even an union???). He claimed that he will think of a figure. This means he didn't have this in his mind. Is that not ruthless to have me sign such documents whereas he knows how exposed this would leave me? I will give a little background: He was married and has adult sons. We have a pre schooler together. This implies that there is a wide age gap between us. I'm convinced that he doesn't have debts. He is responsible in that way. On the whole our marriage has not been the happiest... him wanting things done his way, being emotionally unavailable, and very self centered. Lately things have been going on so well... i gott the impression that he was really pulling his weight into getting this marriage to work, but this subject has now crumbled what i thought was the right path to our happiness.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 October 2013):
 Forgot about that one. Good point. If his finances are hidden then so too are his liabilities in which case you might want to sign a pre-nup after all.
Speak to an attorney first.
Personally I'd feel very insecure about this whole arrangement. A guy whose circumstances are so secret even his own wife can't know?
Has he been married before?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 October 2013):
 The thing is, he's shielding his assets from her. That does not fly in a marriage. But there is something I didn't think of last night either, so I actually want to amend my advice.
I think if you're investing money in something, do it in a personal investigator. Do you know how much debt he might be in? What his financial obligations are? His past financial footprint? This is called "forensic accounting" and is designed to find hidden assets AND liabilities. Many people do it before purchasing a business in order to complete due diligence and make sure there are no hidden instances of negligence.
Your husband needs to stop hiding his bank account, and you need to take all measures necessary to find out what's there, not because you are a gold digger, but because he may be keeping up appearances. What happens if he leaves you and a court decides that a massive amount of debt you didn't know about is communal?
When two people get married, they merge companies. One of the companies doesn't get to hide their numbers from the other. I suspect him of foul play. Hookers, strip clubs, escorts, bad ventures, gambling and drug addiction - all of that thrive under an environment he's creating.
Be careful. In fact, if you two don't yet have children, you may want to consider leaving him now before he has a chance to wreck your financial life. You say you're in school? Eventually, you graduate and start becoming independent. In the meantime, do not have kids with him, because if he's wanting to get out of taking care of you or even treating you as his wife, what would he do with his kids?
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (17 October 2013):
After thinking of it a bit more, I say don't bother signing it but don't bother getting into a discussion about it. There is no harm in consulting an attorney though for your own peace of mind.
Your husband was obviously willing to marry you despite the fact that you didn't sign one before hand. No doubt he'll learn to live with you not signing one afterward.
Whenever he brings it up, just tell him you'll think about it and leave it at that. If he says you always say that, point out that you're very busy and it isn't a priority.
I understand not wanting to be taken to the cleaners after a divorce, but then, people should choose their mates more wisely to begin with instead of relying on courts to sort out their personal messes. And I daresay he wouldn't have much use for such an agreement if he had nothing and it was YOUR assets on the line.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 October 2013):
 I agree fully with Auntie Cindy.
While I personally don't think being married to someone entitles you to any of his/her wealth, I do agree that if he didn't like that you refused to sign a pre-nup he shouldn't have married you. And asking for a post-nup is ridiculous.
My questions is, why does he insist on it? What is his reason for wanting this done?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2013):
 do not sign anything without first having consulted a competent lawyer, and that's a good general rule of thumb anyways when money and properties are involved.
In your case, anyway, I think it is clear that signing would be against your interests. You did not want to sign the pre nup- because I guess that also then , for whatever reason of yours, you decided you'd stick to the official divorce laws in your country and the privions it makes for the less financially stable spouse in case of divorce. In other words, you are fine with your country laws and what they entitle you to get . No reason for you to change your mind. As for him, you refused to sign a pre nup,- he could have refused to marry you, then. BUT, he choose to marry you anyway , and to abide bu the current laws with whatever provisions in your favour they may make. He was NOT obliged to marry you, so if now he has changed his mind, and want to keep his cake and eat it too- tough luck. Do not give up your legal rights for NOBODY.
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (17 October 2013):
Don't sign anything! I agree that he's probably worked hard for his money, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve anything if you get a divorce. Think about it - what if you finish school then have kids. If you spend several years at home with them then you are effectively giving up the chance to build up your own career during that time. It doesn't mean you're not contributing to the marriage - in fact you would be doing one of the most important jobs of all. This should not be crossing your husband's mind unless he thinks either you or him are planning on leaving soon. I'd ask him why he wants you to sign this now because it doesn't add up to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): What I don't get is why does a woman have to feel entitled to a man's wealth just because she married him, especially if he had made his wealth before he married the person. In today's day and time, a woman should get an education and be financially independent. Let me put it this way, I would not want to give a man half my wealth just because I married him especially if he did not contribute to building the wealth.
I would recommend that you finish your education and show him that you don't need him and you married him because you loved him and not a means to an end.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): I'm going to keep this short and sweet - DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 October 2013):
Here's the thing. You didn't sign a prenup, and now you're married. The fact that he's refusing to disclose his assets to you doesn't mean a thing in court. He's bound by the rules of marriage, so don't sign anything. If he gets pissy and divorces you for not signing, then obviously, he wanted to use you for the "wife experience" and not as an actual wife.
Don't sign anything. Seriously, think about it. You sign, and he'll leave you with nothing. You don't sign, and he'll leave you with what you legally can claim. Either way, he'll leave. Best to call his bluff, face him, and make him treat the marriage with the lifetime respect it deserves.
I repeat - DO NOT SIGN. What does he have to leverage now that he's married you? What happens if you sign, then have kids? 18 years and you're left in the cold with nothing.
Don't give him the safety net. If he decided to marry, then he must put his whole effort in to making it work. If he's worked hard to get what he has, he's entered into a covenant with you. He won't be so quick to cheat, or to bail, or to half-ass a marriage. DO NOT SIGN.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (17 October 2013):
Before signing any legally binding agreement speak to an attorney. Some will offer a free half hour consultation.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 October 2013):
I think pre/post nuptials are totally okay even though they really seem to piss people off. I wouldn't ask someone to sign one, but that's because I don't have a lot to lose.
This guy probably worked hard for what he has and it wouldn't be fair to lose half of it in a divorce to someone who had nothing to do with earning it, don't you agree? Because that happens all the time. Nobody expects to get a divorce but it happens.
All that being said, you don't have to sign it as is. Tell him that you'll sign it if he puts wording in the agreement that provides for you to get back on your feet should you divorce. That seems fair to me and he should agree to that. If he doesn't, I wouldn't sign a pre nup if I was you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): You must be approaching your expiration date, and it's time to get business in order. You're broke and he holds the purse strings.You had the chance to walk, but you didn't. So now you're living with a man who doesn't want to share his wealth with the women he supposedly loves. He won't disclose his assets; because he doesn't feel you're entitled to it. Things must not be going so well. You've crossed the two-year mark, and you're as broke as when he married you. You couldn't even afford a lawyer to review the post-nuptial agreement. Leave things just as they are. I assume you have to ask for every cent that you spend?You'll only prove one thing if you sign it now. That he's smarter than you. Sign it once you're working, financially independent, and self-supportive. Then you can afford a lawyer, and tossing you to the streets penniless isn't an option. I'm sure he is quite in-love with you; and that may never happen.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 October 2013):
 I am getting older and grumpier so my first response was to just walk away now, and save yourself a lot of grief.
But you have been married for two years now, so I assume he must have some redeeming qualities besides his money.
There are a lot of grey areas here, why are you studying at your age, is there a goal at the end, with guaranteed earning capacity, or something else.
This should all have been discussed and agreed to prior to marrying .... are you contributing to the marriage or household even though you are not earning a wage? I feel there may be more to this than your question indicates.
Get yourself an independent lawyer and get them to look over the contract, and if they feel it takes into account all eventualities, ie children, or loss of capability to support yourself in the event of divorce then ease his concerns and sign it.
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