A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:hello all,I would really appreciate some advice on how to move on!dont get me wrong i've had break-ups before but this time i'm finding it difficult. i'll try to keep this brief...i'm almost 50 i've been married twice, the first lasted 15 years, +(8 yrs together prior to marriage)but he cheated on me til i couldn't forgive anymore despite the fact that i loved him. we had 3 lovely daughters together. after 4 yrs with no serious relationships but then regretfully i married an alcoholic who wanted to control me and resorted to verbal and physical abuse, i made him leave my home after about 18 months, he's since died through his alcoholism.throughout my life i've been attracted to both sexes, i hate labels but i guess people would say i'm bi-sexual, i've had brief encounters but then 6 years ago i got into a relationship with a girl 22 years my junior, it was great, i felt loved secure and my family and freinds all accepted 'us'i sold my home and we moved up north, we came home a few months later, we were unhappy and missed family and freinds, we moved into rented accomodation, we slowly spent all the money we had as well as spending it on my kids for things they needed.we were really happy and age was just a number but the last 18 months my partner started to want to go to all night parties and got back in the drug scene (only every other weekend) i'm too old for all that but didn't want to try to control her life, i soon found that i was beginning to feel very lonely our circle of freinds were no longer the same and so i called it a day, we were both upset and we still remain really close freinds,live in the same house as she cant afford rented accom at the mo (deposit and months rent up front). i know it will be easier once she moves out and we have agreed not to hurt each other by starting up relationships until she's gone, but it's the day to day coping, not showing jealousy when she goes out, stopping myself from asking where she's going, it is getting better i'm even going on holiday with a freind soon. i just feel that everytime i think i've cracked this relationship game i get hurt, it's got to the point where i'm thinking about lookin for oil..old, ill and loaded! any advice copin day by day til she moves out would be appreciated, thanks.sorry, i had hoped to keep it brief!she's not dependant on drugs by the way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to Eve and R for your advice, i have stopped asking where she's going or what time she will be back, i've managed that for over a month, doesn't mean i dont wonder, i think it's because we were so close and shared everything and even as a friend i thought she might mention where she's off to.
Once she's moved out i wont know when she's in or out and iknow that day by day i'll be able to move on with my life.
A lot of my problem is that apart from having our own rooms our relationship remains much the same, cooking for each other, a cuddle goodnight or goodbye and the odd drink out together, i suppose while she's still here i'm clinging to a little bit of hope, but to be honest i know i wouldn't be happy with her unless she reverted back to how she was.
I have considered moving out but i've got pets and a family that like to stay (grandchildren) and there are only 1 bed, no pets places available in my area.
Anyway thanks again for taking the time to give me advice. I will keep you up-dated of any progress made x
A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (28 May 2007):
 To be honest while she is still around you your always going to find it that more hard to move on. I know i would find that hard living with an ex who id loved and trying to move on, anyone in your position would most likely find the same.
Ideally yes, she does need to move out so you can move on and forward; but i realise the may not be as simple as it sounds. Now you are no longer together you have to start thinking of yourself and less of her circumstances. I think maybe you need to make a choice to whether move out or move her out to help yourself move on. Is she finding it difficult as well?
The only advice i can give until one of the choices above is made is to just keep yourself busy and keep your mind totally focused on something in your life that is YOURS. A hobby, interest anything that may train your mind. Maybe take up something new youve always been intrested in.
These things will always take time to heal and with her around i can only suspect it will be a harder and longer road to travel. Maybe talk to her regarding how you are feeling and ask her what her plans are to move on.
As for "OIL". Thats your choice, but i am sure you will find your happiness with someone at some point, so dont give in and keep your open mind and keep your eyes firmly focused and fixed on your road ahead.
R
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (28 May 2007):
 I suggest you give her a deadline to move. You still seem to have feelings for her and her priorities seem to have changed now, possibly due to the age difference. If she can go out and have fun and take drugs occasionally then she can save to move into a new place. The longer she remains with you the more agonising it will be for you to get your life and head back together and move on.
In the meantime, keep yourself busy, find new friends or visit old ones. Go to bed early with a book or watch some TV and try to seperate yourself from her. Don't ask her where she's going or who she's going out with but set a date for her to move and stick to it!
Eve
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