A
female
age
41-50,
*ree
writes:Hi, need some sound advice.I have recently got out of a 12 year relationship and it was a good decision i feel like a big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and enjoy being on my own i have never had the oppertunity to actually experience life as an individual on my own. But i fear i may have co-dependancy issues.I have met this great guy who i thought was just a good friend, never really thought of him as more than that, he has now told me that he has liked me for a very long time and cannot believe i did not notice he never wanted to say anything because i was still in a relationship even though it was not a happy one, we have since been involved intimately and i must say it was a wonderful experience for me especailly since i have not had many with being in such a long relationship previously. The sad thing is he has gone to Peru to see his baby, a baby he has only just found out about, he said he does not want to be in a relationship with the mother because he does not love her in that way but he must take responsibility for his baby and be a good dad, now that makes me like him so much more. He is gone for 2 months and i feel a terrible ache inside, i keep thinking he may change his mind and decide to stay and marry this lady, i know i am being so so selfish because his baby desreves to have a good father, I just cannot stop thinking about him..... he emailed me everyday since he got there for about 2 weeks, now all of a sudden nothing not even a hello, am i being paranoid and childish.... should i just take it as a once off experience and leave it at that, think i am doing more harm to myself by thinking about it all the time, how do i change my mindset, my self esteem is really low and i feel a bit rejected, am i going insane ????
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female
reader, Tree +, writes (28 May 2007):
Tree is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your input, this is the first time he is seeing his baby and from the emails i have recieved he has fallen desperately in love with her, she is a beatiful child i saw photos before he left.
He does not have any family on this side of the world we are in South Africa and his family lives in England, i shall contact some of his friends this side again, they have acutuall asked me last week whether i have heard from him and if he is ok.
I'm sure he has gone to do some travelling he is a real nature boy, he would not stay stuck in an apartment for 6 weeks twiddling his thumbs. What ever happens happens i will leave it to the universe, everything happens for a reason, i am just grateful i got to be with him even if it was for a short time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): How many days has it been since last contact? If this fellow has gone to Peru to see his baby, was this the first time he has ever met his new child? Could he be off sight seeing somewhere, gone to another region to tour around? What was the tone of his last email? Did he mention travel within the country? Do you know this guy's family, friends, where you live? His parents..any siblings? Firstly, contact them and see if they've heard from him and find out if he's okay. If his family have heard from him but you haven't, then you have your answer.
Another possibility is: he's established a bond and a newfound interest in this child and perhaps, is spending time getting to know his child. If he's a man of integrity and he's honoring his committment to this child...he may have changed the way he's viewing his own role and obligations, in this child's life. He may be experiencing a rush of profound emotions that is both daunting and exciting for some men. Fatherhood can change a guy, they rethink their destiny and their goals in life. Becoming a father is sometimes a big maturing process for men.
When two people connect, they do anything to be together and communicate when apart and he 's not doing this. If he was really into making this work with you, he wouldn't want to stop contact with you for fear of losing you and putting you through the anquish of what you are going through. You are immobilized in a very self-defeating situation, here. If this has been just a few days since last contact, wait a week from right now and send him a light, fun e-mail. Then give it a week to hear back from him. If no answer is forthcoming--then you need to accept you may not hear from him and you should think about letting go. Be strong and start doing everything you can to move forward. But it would be best to leave him alone and learn from this life experience.
To get through this, you will need loving and loyal people around you-people who can help you with this pain. If it gets to be too much-then seek some counseling so you can get back on track and start the the healing process. Be good to yourself, my dear...you are are special-please believe in yourself. Take care. Good luck and take care.
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