A
female
age
41-50,
*ennisue
writes:I have been married for 10 years and we have 4 kids and one on the way. My husband for the most part is a wonderful man and a wonderful father. My problem is that he has a great fascination with online porn and I keep finding he's putting his profile out there on singles sites. I feel like I'm being cheated on. I don't think he has the right to put himself out there if he's married, and he does it behind my back and then lies about it when confronted.I don't understand why I'm not good enough, I have dedicated my entire life to him and our babies. What should I do, should I file for divorce? I would rather be single than cheated on. I have suggested a divorce and he says I'm crazy, that he loves only me. I feel he maybe with me because it's cheaper on him to stay with me rather than a divorce. Thank you for listening, any input would be a great help.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (3 December 2009):
 Porn is one thing.. putting yourself up on a dating site as if you are single is a whole different thing.
A suggestion, find out his online persona and write back to him. It'll put you in a stronger postition when you tackle him about the issue and tell him it has to stop because his next step might be to meet the "online you" and start an affair. When you do this, tell him, if he's single online, well there's no reason you can't be too. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, either he stops this behaviour, or tell him you'll play single too.
A
female
reader, bitch +, writes (2 December 2009):
Look up sex addiction annonymous SAA or sex and love addiction annonymous SLAA for advice on his addiction to porn. He has an addiction. He needs help. You do too. He may love you but he is going to ruin your marriage with this problem if he doens't get help.
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A
female
reader, Roadster73 +, writes (1 December 2009):
 I think some people will get away with what u let them, the way I see it you have 3 choices
1. Ask him to leave, even if u don't really want that it might get him the kick up the bum he needs... Don't back down on this he has too be gone long enough to realize what his actions cause ( this might be better after Christmas)
2.You ask him too go to relate if he won't, you go alone & go from there
3. You do nothing & hope he's not that much of a catch too anyone being a porn addicted father of 5 ( any sane women would run a mile from a snake like that) or even a fourth opiton...
4. Once you have had the baby kick him out & get someone more deserving of you...
That said u owe to your kids to at least try too make a go of things, but please don't be a doormat
Goodluck
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (1 December 2009):
 Well you have made you position abundantly clear. If he is unwilling to correct his behaviour to suit your sentiments that he is cheating on you by putting up profiles and watching porn, well follow through with your threat.
Porn, personally I dont view as a man cheating one the woman unless it becomes a substitute for intimacy. I personally use porn and its not because my husband is not enough its simply helps to become aroused. Its more about the positions and actions than the women or men. Putting up profiles again is something I dont think I would have an issue with if the profile states he is married and is only looking for friends. Those sites can be for people looking for friends too believe it or not thats how I met a few of my online female friends. Common interests.
However, this is me and not you and if you feel this is not appropriate to you, are uncomfortable with it and have expressed this to your husband, you have marked the boundries of the relationship. He and you can either talk rationally about those boundries like adults, and if there is sufficient trust, these things shouldn't be issues or threating aspects to the relationship. Or, especially if you are firmly against it and not willing to bend to his reasoning, he should take down the profiles and not look at porn or risk you divorcing him. He may feel this as completely unfair, but with the alternative being you divorcing him(and i stress you do not use that threat lightly), he may feel no other option apart from hiding his activities. Hiding it will only lead to more lies.
The choice is yours really. Because it will require trust on your part to believe him when he says he is not watching porn and doesn't have a site profile. If you ever then caught him with porn you will, of course, instantly feel betrayed. Possibly there might be a communication breakdown here. I would reccomend going to a marriage counselor to find out why exactly he lies to you about the profile site or the porn and why he cant seem to open up to you. It could be he sees a communication wall between the two of you. It could be as simple as that to something as bad as the worst case scenario of him simply not interested in you anymore.
Investigate further, 10 years and this being the only issue would be a shame to through away.
HonningKanin
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