A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey everyone! Do I have the right to be miffed or am I in the wrong?! Any help is much appreciated!!!I'm going away on vacation Wednesday for two weeks and, thus, won't be here for the holidays. For the past two weeks, my boyfriend and I have planned to exchange our gifts at my house. He texted me Friday asking which day. I said both were fine and I wouldn't mind even seeing him both days, in fact I'd love to since I'm leaving soon. He asked if it would be okay to get together Sunday because he was doing shopping with his Mom Saturday and said he had promised to help her. I said no problem. He bought my parents a gift card because he said he is grateful of how often they invite him for dinner and include him into the family, which doesn't happen with his Mother to me. I insisted he didn't have to, but he did anyway. I'm allowing the gift card to be a surprise to my Dad, but I did give my Mom a head's up. My Mom bought him a few things in return and I of course got him a few things (actually I am spoiling him quite a bit! haha). Nevertheless, I told my parents that we had decided on Sunday and they of course planned to give him his gifts then, too. So, I figured the plans were set. Today, it seems that myself, my Dad, and my boyfriend have caught a bug. Each of us have complained about not feeling well and being tired--but no major illness, fever, vomiting, or anything. My boyfriend asked me if I would mind just exchanging gifts tomorrow at his Mom's place because he doesn't feel good. He can be a bit of a drama queen and, since he was well enough to go to work and stay up until midnight to have this conversation, I said (without the previous details) he really should come over. He texted, "I will try. But what if I still feel horrible?" I promptly wrote him back that I arranged Sunday because that was the day that worked best for him and I thus told my parents, who have also got him a gift. Since he has to give them theirs and they must give his, I feel it is rude to cancel plans because I already arranged this with my parents and they were also kind enough to get him a nice gift--something his mother isn't doing for me (I don't care whether or not she does, but my parents really have tried to bring him into the family and make him feel more comfortable. His Mom makes me feel uncomfortable). I said I would be "sorely disappointed and this would likely be something I could not easily forgive." Especially because he won't be seeing me for two weeks!I feel like he shouldn't disrespect my parents by canceling just because he feels a bit under the weather and I don't feel like it is right for me to go to his house and thus have to give my parents the gift from him, even though it is regardless a nice gesture. I just feel it is better for him to do the giving and I know my Dad, while he will try to tell my boyfriend that he didn't have to do that, will find it very impressive and nice. But if I have to play messenger, not so much. My boyfriend texted back that he would try to get better and was going to bed, but I'm really afraid he will cancel on me and that will upset me to no end. Am I being unreasonable, or mean? Do I have a right to be upset if he does indeed cancel? I'm sort of ticked that he even suggested it... Please help!
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female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Hi OP, I am glad you sorted out your situation, but I do want to add, I think you have now set a precedent in your relationship.
He was ill, you had a bit of a strop and put him on a teeny weeny guilt trip and he gave in. Be careful not to do this too often as he will grow to resent you.
Relationships are about compromise - you cannot always have what you want when you want it. There will be times when you cant see your partner because of illness/parents/outside forces. It happens. It doesnt mean he loves you any less or doesnt care.
Please do not let this be the beginning of more nagging in the future when he does something you dont agree with. You got your way this time, but think a bit more about him in the future. If the situations were reversed and you were feeling ill, how would you have responded?
Gifts, of any kind, be it christmas, birthday or anything else are about the thought, not the cost or the actual giving. It is the time and care taken to choose a gift for someone. He took the time to get something for your parents - that act in inself IS the gift, not the actual thing. He could have got them anything, doesnt matter what it was, the fact he did will be the thing that holds meaning.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI definitely see how in this situation alone to outside eyes I seem harsh in calling him a Mama's boy, and the double standard thing makes total sense to me. However, his mother is insanely manipulative. She calls him and interrupts our dates to tell him it is raining among other stupid stuff. She tries to ground him at the age of 22. She guilts him into feelung that he is abandoning her when he wants to see me a few times during the week (2 - 4 times; we arent obnoxious and together 24/7) He openly admitted the other night that he notices she is "jealous" and feels she has to "compete" for his attention, which I don't do anything to take him away. I'm nice to her and am polite. I just encourage him to create boundaries and stand up for himself when he sees fit. I don't want to make him choose between us and I want him to do what he sees fit. But with this situation, she often finds ways to interrupt our plans and I mused to myself if that was an attempt. That was all. But trust me, I want him to have a relationship with her that is healthy and happy which hopefully I can fit into somewhere eventually. But I'm not rushing it. If I didn't want that, I would have been posting I wanted to see him Saturday not Sunday! lol I'm not totally bonkers! I promise! Thanks again everyone. And I promise, Chalice, I will do something very special for him when I return. He is awesome and deserves it.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 December 2011):
 lol.. win, win... you end up sounding loving and caring, he gets to do the brave thing, and risk everything to be with the girl he loves.
Now that's a great moral, and a love story for Christmas, that has everyone here smiling a lot.
Wishing you and your family, and your boyfriend, all the best for Christmas and a Happy New Year.... Blessings
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): See. I'm 39 years old and current BF. He made a commitment to me, a flu bug wouldn't have stopped him. He puts me FIRST and I him. When this is done, the trust builds, the effort and love produces such an amazing bond.
I don't think people realize the commitment thing. Its huge. And by the sounds of it, the BF heard your say, your side and made a judgement call and saw it was more than fair and reasonable to put some effort.
The attention, the love, the heart of gratitude, to him, was more than worth it.
So next time, you are better able to forgive him, and believe in him BECAUSE he demonstrated to you, a COMMITMENT, a PROMISE is EVERYTHING, especially to those we love.
And if you are unable to make a commitment- you offer or ask what can be done to make up for it. You always try to work for a win/win situation.
Treat BF like a KING when you get back. He's Fricken Amazing!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 All's well that ends well, OP. I am glad a solution materialized that made everybody happy and also gave you some food for thought so similar frictions will be bypassed in future.
A couple of comments though, if you allow me. The first about "committments ". I don't take them too lightly either, I am a very punctual person and if you'd keep me waiting half an hour, you'd probably find me foaming at the mouth. Nevertheless, like R.W. Emerson says, " a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds ". Doing something at any costs, including possible costs for your health ,- just because you said you would, when some flexibility may accomplish the same result and save the day- is not particularly commendable, in fact,often is just dumb. There's being accountable for your word, and there's being needlessly mentally rigid- and they are two different things.
The second is about your bf being a mama's boy. I take your word for it, OP, you know him better and who knows how many episodes of mommism you have seen to call him this way. So, agreed:) - he's a bit of a mama's boy. And yet.. why do I still feel you are unduly harsh. Maybe because you don't find anything strange in wanting to do something nice for your Mom ( following her in this 2 week trip because she may need/like having you there ) and your bf does not object or criticize, does not say you are a mama's girl. He does not say " Well, your mother is a grown up woman , and could handle this and worse by herself, and anyways she is not travelling alone, she has her own husband with her to give her support ". He accepts that you want to do something nice for Mom even if this somewhat penalizes him for 2 weeks.
But, if he want to do something nice for HIS Mum and make her happy by taking her shopping on the day of her choice- then he is a wuss and a mama's boy.
A bit of a double standard here maybe ?....
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 December 2011):
My opinion does not change. Your BF said he's feeling too unwell to come over on Sunday, and if you can't accept that :
- either you don't believe he is telling the truth and you suspect him of making excuses to weasel out of a previous committment. Which would show a worrisome element of mistrust in this relationship.
- or you do believe that he is actually feeling unwell ,but you don't give a damn as long as you can have things your way and please your parents.
Either way you are not being overly nice to your bf,are you ?
I get it- exceptional situations require exceptional measures, and in this case, in your opinion, exceptional efforts on his side.
But, that's the point. It's not an exceptional situation. It's not the coronation ceremony,or the presidential oath - it's an ordinary Xmas gifts exchange. The thought, and the gifts, will be well received even if not delivered in person, I am sure . And if you ( headacheless ) go to his place, you get to see him anyway before your vacation ( which btw will only last two WEEKS, not two years , so no particular solemn goodbye ceremonies
are required )and as long as you get to see him the " where " is not important.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionClaraw1, thank you for the condolences! Much appreciated.
I see everyone's points. Definitely! It is a bit mean and, if I were in his position, I might not particularly find him saying he would be disappointed in me entirely fair. Agreed; a bit rude and seemingly inconsiderate. It might feel like the person is being selfish or is questioning the validity of your illness, which I admit I was doing slightly. In the wrong, agreed. I don't want to make him feel that way.
But I feel that I connect with ChaliceODominion. I am the type of person who hates breaking commitments with those I love most. If I said I would do something or be somewhere, even when feeling under the weather, I make a point to fulfill my promise to show my dedication to those I love. I rarely break plans and, even if I hate whatever the task/plans involve, I follow through because I love that person. Unless something pretty serious happens, I try not to waiver or disappoint. So unless I was pulling an Exorcist moment--pea soup and all--I'd be there for him. I guess it's the commitment that matters to me and I was sad to see it might go unreciprocated, but I have to be reasonable.
Chalice, he actually is a Mama's boy! Nice call. He admits it and is working on it and his relationship with her, thankfully. There are so many stories of manipulation I could tell, but won't. I felt that was odd too. Nevertheless, awesome reading skills!
So what happened:
I shot him a message and apologized for being harsh. I just explained that I wanted to see him before I left and wanted this exchange to happen because it was so special to me. The fact that he cared enough to do something so nice really was amazing and I appreciated it. However, if he is really sick, I want him to get well and again I was sorry.
He wrote back not to worry and that I wasn't being harsh. He said he'd thought about it and felt it wasn't right to back out. He also mentioned he wanted to see me too and would rather be with me, sick or not. So he came over.
My parents took us out to dinner and the exchange went well. I thanked him several times and urged him to feel free to go home if he was too under the weather. I didn't want him to be miserable, but he insisted he wanted to stay and trust me he isnt shy with his opinions. He would have left if he wanted to. He actually does have a bug; I can hear his congestion :( So I should never downplay that again! And I wont. But I took care of him and we snuggled watching movies. I told him a few times it was probably a good idea to get more rest, but he protested that he did not want to leave.
At the end of the evening, I thanked him again for everything: his thoughtfulness, his commitment, his love. I told him sincerely how much I appreciated it. I apologized for being previously insensitive. He again shrugged it off. He really showed his commitment to me tonight and I won't forget. I have a great guy.
Thanks to everyone!!! Really, it all helped balance my thoughts and refine my expectations. Thank you!
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female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 Firstly I am sorry about your Grandfather's passing. I understand why you are going away, and yes it is right to be with your family at this time.
With regards to your boyfriend, I am sorry but you are still being harsh.There is nothing wrong with you picking up the gift and handing it to your parents, the gesture from him is still the same.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): No, your update doesn't change anything. And you're completely missing the point. The gift IS the gesture. I'm sure if you explained to your parents that he's ill, they could care less if he doesn't hand over the present himself. You are being very over-dramatic about this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): You are being extremely unreasonable.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (18 December 2011):
Yep babes, you sound harsh.. if someone is not feeling well, it's only a mean person who expects them to get over it. It's not your body, so you can't tell how he is feeling. It's not your job to decide how far he should push his body. My cousin complained of a headache, decided she could go to work, and then just dropped down dead, she didn't even sound that ill.
It's Christmas, it's a present... that doesn't count for much when your dealing with people's health. He can meet your parents another time, they are not going anywhere. I doubt they will expect to see him if they know he's unwell. That would be unreasonable. "I must see him now, I don't care if he's sick".. Can't really see your parents saying such a thing. To be honest, you do sound like you don't know what sickness is, or find it hard to sympathise with other people's illness.. that's just how you are sounding on here.
"sorely disappointed" vs. "a bit under the weather"... if your a decent human being, then bit under the weather always wins.. you can get over disappointment in no time, you can reschedule a meeting, or give presents later, but a bit under the weather can easily turn out to be major sickness, especially when you force yourself.
If it's a cold,flu,virus or headache, the doctors recommend, bed, rest and plenty of fluids, not running to your girlfriends house to exchange Christmas gifts. See him when you get back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): I'm one of those a COMMITMENT is a COMMITMENT and if you said you would be there Sunday- then you show up Sunday. vEven if its for 10-15 minutes. If he is still not feeling well, he can snuggle up with you, GF on a sofa and you can snooze together.
He wont' be seeing YOU for two weeks.
I am this for my children, my BF, and my Family. If I give my word, it is my bond and it takes a force of Nature to undo it.
Otherwise you just allow someone to toss around words and shake promises and commitments and then you realize, you forgave them the first one- next you know, its a time after time thing.
The foot was rightly put down. I suspect the BF is a Mommas Boy and is controlled by her. She is now seeing your right to him being an honest man of integrity that gives his word as a challenge to her 'authority' aka control.
All of a sudden its no longer good to be at your house, with your parents on a Day he chose because Saturday wasn't good enough because Mom wanted that for shopping? Mom couldn't wait until you left Monday? yah, thats not jiving.
I'd be upset too. This BF is starting to look like he is an untrustworthy, unreliable young man.
Integrity, when your words align with your actions. When you make a commitment or promise, you give and do your all to keep it.
Let's hope he grabs a clue and stops by.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify a few things:Nobody has the flu. He said he had a headache; I realize I didn't say that. I'm leaving for two weeks with my immediate family to be with other family. My grandfather passed away a couple of months ago and I felt it wasn't right to stay at home to be with my boyfriend. I felt I should be with my family. My mother is having a horrible time with this, especially during the holidays. That's why I'm going away. We can't see each other Monday or any other day. I'm leaving. I meant we could choose between Saturday or Sunday this weekend. He picked Sunday so he could go with his Mom on Saturday. He asked if I would just come to his house instead, not move the date. Sorry for being a little confusing! Does what I added change anything? I do see what everyone is saying. I need to be nicer and more understanding. However, it's not the gifts that mean the most to me; it's the gesture. I just wanted the interaction to happen between he and my parents, which is important to me. That's what has meaning to me. I just really love him and want them to like him too. But I see how I could be coming off as harsh. Thanks for giving me some different perspectives.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 What do you mean you wont forgive him since you wont see him for two weeks. The guy asked to see you Monday instead, so you will get to see him before you leave.
I also think you are putting way too much emphasis on the process of "gift giving". It isn't a coronation you know, just an exchange of gifts, and you can pick up the gift to your parents at his house and then give it to your parents without the huff and puff. It's not disrespectful or anything, unless you come from some culture very different from mine. No one cares who DELIVERS gift, people care who gave it, who it's from and who it's to and the thought that was put into it. You're not "playing messenger", you're just handing over a gift for practical reasons. Stop adding meaning to it that isn't there. So you pictured some nice lovey dovey scenario where your boyfriend hands over a gift and impresses your father and makes you feel proud, that's not happening. Just get over it already, because it's not that big of a deal. Your dad will still appreciate the gift, right? Your dad isn't the kind of man who ONLY appreciates gifts when handed to him in person is he? After all your boyfriend DOES have a reason for wanting to put it off, and you could just wait until Monday to have him deliver it to your parents in person, if you're so dead set on having this ceremony of gift exchanges.
But you are adding way too much meaning to a simple swapping of gifts.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 December 2011):
Frankly I think that here if there 's a drama queen, it's not the boy.
Yes, canceling plans last minute is rude- unless there's a good reason. A flu bug is a good reason. He showed up at work because he HAD to, while hopefully one can count on his / her SO to be more understanding that the boss at work.
Let him be the judge about his health state and how to handle it, that's very individual, what bothers you does not bother me and viceversa.
For instance, I am a resilient type- 15 days ago I had a 2 hours surgery in the morning, and few hours later,the second they dismissed from the clinic- I went straight away to the mall to do some Xmas shopping . But, if I catch a cold and have a stuffy nose, I am out of commmission, it drives me crazy, I don't want to talk or do anything.
You want your parents to be impressed by your boyfriend, but, is that more important that your bf 's health and well being ? Your bf had a nice gesture for them anyway, and so did your parents for him- if these gestures are conveyed through a go-between due to force majeure , they'll still be nice.
Don't sweat the small stuff, and pick your battles. Honestly this does not sound like one worth waging a war about against a generally good bf.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): If he is genuinely sick, then yes your being unreasonable. You can't really say whether another person's illness is not that bad, because you don't know how he actually feels. Each person is different and his immune system may be lower than yours. I am surprised he isn't ticked at your selfish and unreasonable behaviour. Your going to be away over the holidays and he isn;t making a big deal about that, yet that is something you chose to do. He didn't chose to get sick, and can't help if he is sick, try and be a bit more understanding of him.
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