A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi , would love an answer to a complexed dilemma . My boyfriend lives in London . I live in Scotland , we have been seeing each other for three years . I would love to see a step forward towards us living together . I was told by my boyfriend he was not willing to move to Scotland because of his elderly parents and that he likes things as they are . He is not prepared to talk about any future plans and so now I wonder if we will meander along......help ! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 February 2014):
 I've never been to Scotland but I've been to London and I'd live there in a heart beat.
Why does HE have to be the one to move.... when my LDR boyfriend and I (now husband) decided to make it permanent and local the move was based on common sense...
I owned a home, he did not.
I had a long term solid government job that I was not leaving, he was working for a company where he telecommuted 4 out of 5 days and had not been with them that long
I have children (including a disabled adult child) living in the area, he had no children or family he wished to remain near
Common sense told us that he should be the one to move.
What discussions have brought you to the belief that him moving to Scotland is a better choice for you as a couple?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2014): Suggest you really take on board what SageOldGuy is saying - I meandered along for the best part of two decades and wish that someone like him had said this to me years and years ago.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 February 2014):
 Hehe, I am so glad that Tisha 1 said it first so if there are Scottish readers they'll get mad at HER :) but yeah, if he does not want to move from London to Scotland , I can't quite blame him.
But, does he refuse to move to Scotland, or ( pardon the brutality ) does he refuse to live with you ?. I mean, it's different if , in case you accepted to relocate to London, he'd take you in with open arms, and the only thing to separate you is YOUR unwillingness to leave Scotland. Or, if he just does not want to have you staying with him ( or at least close ) and is perfectly content to love you from a distance .
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Having spent a little time in both places, I'd choose London over Scotland…. I'm sure that's not helpful to you but maybe that may explain why he's not leaping like a duck on a June bug on the chance to move to Scotland?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 February 2014):
 If he can't move to Scotland, have you thought about moving to London?
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (25 February 2014):
 "He is not prepared to talk about any future plans" just about says it all.
At first I thought, well yes, if he moves from London to Scotland, he'll have to take a cut in salary. And yes, if his parents are elderly and he's the only child, he has responsibilities. And there really isn't a convenient geographical compromise between London and Scotland (I've thought about this regarding meeting up half way with friends in Edinburgh - York being the only possible compromise, and still several hours from either London or Scotland).
But I agree with Honeypie, you're both in an uncomfortable (to you at least) 'comfort zone' (yes I know that's a paradox) where neither of you will budge.
What are your reasons for not moving to London? If it's that he hasn't suggested the idea, wont even entertain the idea of a future where you're together in London, I'd definitely move on rather than meander. Life is too short.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 February 2014):
 I LOVE your submittal. Why?
Because you say you would "...love to see a step forward towards us living together ..." Who'se to say that THAT's a step FORWARD???? What it IS, is an opportunity for HIM to gain MUCHO control... and put YOU in the subordinate position....
AND, he "... likes things as they are." Of COURSE he does! He has you "on the hook".... trying to get even MORE invested in a "relationship" that doesn't exist.... THEN,....
... you reveal that: "He is not prepared to talk about any future plans...." Of course not. WHY upset the boat when it's sailing all level ON HIS BEHALF????
... and, finally, you reveal: "...I wonder if we will meander along..."
OF COURSE HE WILL?????? What self-respecting guy will incur any RISK, when he has a woman-friend who will write a submittal such as this???? .... since HE has all that HE wants.... and YOU are (evidently) content to peck away at the scraps of a "relationship" that he "gives" to you....
Do you suppose you will go on much longer hoping that this will change? Because.... the longer you do, the longer it will be before you come to your senses, and see that YOU are in a "relationship" - whilest HE ISN'T!!!.... And it will be that much longer before you make yourself available to meet a "real" boyfriend/partner/mate.
WHY do you women do this to yourselves?????
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2014):
 So why can't you move to London?
It seems you two like the IDEA of your relationship, but neither of you are willing to do what is NEEDED in order to actually BE together.
You can keep this going for years, but after 3 years NEITHER of you have moved? Just kind of show that neither of you are willing to make sacrifices in order to be together.
When I met my husband, we were long distance - flying back and forth from Europe/USA (not cheap) over the course of a year, phoning each other, writing letters, e-mails and occasionally IM'ing, but after 12 months of the back and forth I made the choice to visit for 3 months (tourist visa) to see if we could make it work. I moved in with him. 3 months flew by and we decided to do what it takes to live together. We BOTH gave up the place we called home. That was 17 years ago.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): Dump him and move on. Life is too short.
He is set in his ways; and he has no intentions of changing his living situation. His elderly parents have nothing to do with it. That's one of the most common downfalls of trying to maintain long-distance relationships between countries.
It is also very common that men force women to uproot their lives to come closure to his rooted situation. In your case; I just don't think his head is where yours is.
He just isn't that into you. His elderly parents would have to live on their own, if he had a wife and kids. So you and I know that's just a convenient excuse.
He likes things as they are, and that was his way of politely telling you; he has no intention of taking another step. He didn't even suggest a compromise. Take a hint.
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