A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I would like to know if its too much for me to ask my bf about his whereabouts. By asking about his whereabouts I mean just asking him his plans for the day and what he'd be doing, not the crazy gf sort of asking every hour. Personally I feel that its basic courtesy and responsibility to inform your partner your plans for the day so they know where you are and what you'd be doing to give them a peace of their mind or they'd constantly be thinking what you'd be up to. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (31 December 2013):
 My first thought was; perhaps you’d like to give him an ankle bracelet to GPS his whereabouts, because how else are you to get peace of mind without such a device? But that would be real girlfriend crazy, right!?
If you personally feel this is basic courtesy, it looks like general consensus sees it otherwise. But why not ask your boyfriend what he thinks about you constantly thinking what he gets up to? After all he’ll be the one reporting in?
For me; other than the basic courtesy of communication, I have no reason to be “constantly thinking” about what he’d be up to. As that would imply my having no trust; personal insecurity, and or anxiety issues? All of which is not a wholesome ingredient to assure peace of mind in anyone.
Take Care – CAA
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 December 2013):
It depends on what you mean by piece of mind. I suppose, the question is, why do you need to know everything? Are you worried about what will happen, or do you have a reason not to trust? I don't ask my girlfriend what she's up to at the beginning of the day just to know where she is.
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female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (29 December 2013):
I dont think there is any harm in wanting to know where your partner is. Me and my boyfriend know where the other is most of the time.We both know what times the other works.If i am at a friends house i will text him. If he is going out with friends to the pub he will text me. Its not hard to do and only takes one minute of your time. Its not about insecurity its just caring enough to let your partner know where you are and that you are safe.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 December 2013):
 I have to agree with WiseOwlE
You sound more like a parole officer then a GF. And honestly, it's not attractive at all.
If you FEEL you have a right to know where he is 24/7, you are wrong. You might WANT to know, but you don't HAVE a "right".
What exactly is that you fear he will do IF you do not monitor him? Cheat?
It's not basic courtesy and responsibility to give your SO a daily itinerary unless you are Royalty.
Now I can see if two people try and plan when they can do a date or go to the movie, out to dinner or what not that they discuss upcoming plans. Like :" Oh Thursday isn't good for me, I have a pm dentist appointment and I rarely feel like streak the same night."
You HAVE to have a little "unknown" information in your relationship, so you ACTUALLY have something to talk about when you met up that PERTAINS to the two of you and your lives, not tv, actors, music or gossip. Like : "Oh, guess who I ran into at the dentist? Mike, you know the guy with the pet tiger? Yea, he invited me to brunch Sunday."
You also HAVE TO HAVE trust in your relationship or you might as well not be in one. Because having your SO "stand over you" like a parent expecting to get a week by week itinerary makes most people feel suffocated and claustrophobic in a relationship. It will make him either lie (to get you off his back) or walk away.
Like iAmHereToHelpYou (see I got the right auntie this time .) said.
ASK how how was your day? And just listen to him and then if you want you can give him inputs from YOUR day. It's called SHARING.
You said you don't want to be that crazy GF... but honestly, the expectations you have makes you come across as one of "those". Next you will download a tracker app on his phone so you can see if it matches with the itinerary he gave you.
Do you give him a itinerary of your week? If so why? Why not have some BASIC conversations of what goes on it your lives?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): I used to ask my husband where he was all the time. He didn't have to ring in or anything I just wanted to know where he was. He hated it and invariably would not answer the phone if I called or lie about where he actually was. I became like that about him because I did not trust him as he was a terrible womaniser. Eventually for my own peace of mind as much as his I just stopped asking and left the subject alone. Things improved because I wasn't always nagging. Sometimes now he will volunteer where he is or what he is doing that day but I don't really always believe him. I have learnt to opt out a bit and because I know I can't control him and he will do what he wants to do anyway it is pointless trying to pin him down. Because I am very insecure because of past issues I think it is totally acceptable to know where someone is during the day but not every minute of the day or night. Knowing the person is at work is enough. If thy are out for a drink it is desperately tempting to want to know who they are with etc but really it is best left alone. They will tell you if they want you to know. My previous husband would tell me where he was quite naturally all the time and I liked it but everyone is different. If you are the kind of woman who needs to know for security then that is fine but make sure you pick a guy who doesn't mind.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 December 2013):
 Mixed feelings on this one.
when hubby and I were LDR we went days not talking int he beginning... once we got very serious we had a morning check in and a bedtime call...
most days not together were work days. He knew I was getting up and driving to work... then going home...
I did not tell him who I would be eating lunch with. No need.
Now that we are married and in the same house it's more of a courtesy than anything... for example today I am meeting a friend for coffee... of course I told him.
If you talk daily, then a casual "how was your day" and "what did you do" is common.... but to need or want to know what he is doing and who he is with 24/7 is compulsive and controlling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): A guy I dated use to check on me and I really didn't mind it at all because I knew he already had trust issues. But he didn't do it every hour on the hour, it was just once and a while. We have had talks about relationships, trust, honesty, all of it. That's why we are just friends for now and I would like so much to be in a relationship with him but he has to work on his issues and so do I. Would I want someone to check on me 24/7? You don't want to drive him away and it will only make him resent you and being clingy isn't a good thing. And it is different when you are asking how their day was and they will either tell you and you move on from that.I have had guy friends tell me that their girlfriends are too clingy wanting to know where they are all the time and I really understand what it feels like. Give him the space he needs.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (29 December 2013):
 my gf and i let each other know what we are up to and where we wind up going, for the most part, throughout the day. for example, she will let me know when she makes it to work or if she goes out with her friends. i do the same. but there's also many times when i don't always know where she is or what she's doing. if she runs some errands or goes out to dinner with her family, etc, i don't always know. and if i call and she doesn't answer, i just assume she's busy. we give each other plenty of space while respectfully keeping up with each other at the same time.
we have been together for over a year and this wasn't always the case, though. for the first six months or so, we didn't do this. it developed over time.
how new is this relationship? if it's brand new, as in only a few months, i would not expect this. and asking him to do this may really put him off.
but if you've been together for a while, i can see where you're coming from.
the key is moderation. a general respect for each other and letting the other know you are okay is fair. but being demanding and over-bearing is too much.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 December 2013):
 Why? Why do you think it's courtesy and responsibility? Why does not knowing rob you of your peace of mind? Like Ciar has said so well, you're not his mom. What is next, snooping on him? Demanding passwords to his computer and cell phone and constantly digging through all of his communication?
The only type of partner who needs to know everything their partner is doing every day is one who has trust issues. And as relationships exist on trust, it's your courtesy and responsibility to TRUST him unless he's done something to break it, like cheat on you.
You either *have* peace of mind, or you don't. Whether you do or not is your responsibility, and to put that on him will strain the relationship. He will find you smothering and clingy and distrusting. There's a fine line between that and obsession. The only thing he's obligated to do is not lie to you, and truth be told, boyfriends whose girlfriends make them check in and get their itinerary every single day will start to hedge. You will wreck your relationship by guilting him into telling you 24/7. Next thing you know, he'll pull back for a day to get some personal space, and you'll come on full force accusing him, demanding of him, guilting him, "courtesy and responsibility-ing him", and he'll want to get MORE distant.
Even in a marriage, there's not that level of surveillance. Sure, you check in if there's a deviation or you call when you're going to be late, but "I'm going out with my friends" gets the response "Have fun! Call me if you need a ride or a cab!" instead of "Which places exactly will you be at, who will you be with, how long will you be at each place, will there be girls there, and you better be home by midnight! Oh, and if I see glitter on you, you're sleeping on the couch!"
One thing that makes many guys afraid to commit is the fear of the loss of their freedom and independence. Making them check in all the time and report on their day sends the message that you will have their grapefruits wrapped around your finger. All they need to do is NOT lie and be trustworthy. All else is your trust issues and baggage, which they must not be responsible for. If you had a guy cheat on you in the past, that's your issue to deal with, and no future boyfriend must ever be made to compensate for something in your past.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (29 December 2013):
You calling "lack of trust" "courtesy." One of my ex's called it "transparency."
Its all the same, you either trust him or you don't. If you don't, you don't have a relationship.
I warned my ex multiple times to cut the crap. She didn't, so she was history. She called me about a year later to apologize, but it was all too late.
Proceed accordingly.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 December 2013):
 Yes, I think it is way too much to expect your boyfriend to give you a detailed account of how he spent, or plans to spend, his day. It's fine to ask conversationally now and again, but to demand it is really overstepping the bounds.
Frankly, what you're asking is even more 'crazy' than asking where he is every hour. There are 24 hours in the day. Is he supposed to account for all of them? And what about things that come up spontaneously? Bumping into an old friend, or realising you have another errands to run? Or going for a nap? Is he supposed to check in with updates?
You're his girlfriend. Not his probation officer.
If you don't trust him that's your problem. Either a find a boyfriend you can trust or overcome your irrational fears.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): I guess it depends on if your boyfriend wants to check in like he has a parole officer; or as if he's still living with his parents. He's not your husband.
Why do you need to know where he is 24/7? Most people are either home, at work, or at school the majority of their day.
I think you're just trying to make your clingyness sound rational.
You want him to account for all of his time? No adult, including yourself, has to be accountable for all their time to another person. People are entitled to some freedom and privacy within a relationship.
Are they not?
Odd hours, and when they are missing in action is one thing.
That's cause for worry. Not because you haven't heard from them for a couple of hours. That's insane.
Try and get some control over your insecurity; and not always worry about what he's up to.
There is a thing very important in a relationship.
It's called trust.
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