A
male
age
26-29,
*pops215
writes:We're both 16 and we've known each other for about 5 years and been best friends for about 2 years. We are very honest to each other and we've both admitted to liking each other however one of us or the other has always been in a relationship so we've never dated. However, because she is so open with me she has admitted that almost every guy she has dated she has also cheated on. As she put it she wants to be in an honest relationship however everytime she is she ends up cheating because when she is with another guy she forgets about her boy friend and just goes with it. She realizes that the guys she cheats with just use her but that she doesnt know if she can stop herself from cheating again. Currently she has been with a guy for over a year and has cheated on him several times. She told him and he has forgiven her. However I can see it tearing them apart slowly but surely. He says he trusts her but I can tell he doesn't. I love her more than you can imagine but im unsure of whether, if we were to date, if i'd be able to trust her or possibly even help her stop. She has asked me for help before and i know she truly wants to stop but what can i say or do that will do more good than harm.
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 good! i am glad to hear you are feeling more positive and in less of a muddle now :) i hope it goes well for you. it says good things about you that you have stopped to consider the consequences instead of jumping in head first into a relationship with her. she is young and i believe that people CAN change, but it has to be coz THEY want to and sometimes they need help to get over complex issues or else they will just go around in circles making the same mistakes and not understanding why their life is turning out wrong. even if nothing happens between you two, she is very fortunate to have such a good friend. but you are NOT wrong or selfish for looking after your own emotional well being. never underestimate the damage that people can do to each other emotionally, if you have doubts about a person it is ok to not 'go there'
best wishes!
x
A
male
reader, bpops215 +, writes (6 September 2011):
bpops215 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been thinking and i think I figured out exactly what to say to her so I'm actually in a good mood now and i havent been in a while now all thanks to your advice. There arnt words to say how much I've appreciated the help you've given me.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 September 2011):
you're very welcome bpops. its a difficult subject to bring up, counselling coz some people don't recognise that they need help, she may just think that she cheats coz she is a bad person. i hope she can honestly open up to you about this though and accept your help because otherwise she will go through life like this, being miserable herself and hurting others
x
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A
male
reader, bpops215 +, writes (6 September 2011):
bpops215 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much AngelDlite that is exactly the type of answer I was looking for. I'm not sure how well she'll like the idea of counseling but I'll try to convince her or at least get her to talk to me about it. If she doesn't though, I don't know what I'll do because she is my last true friend but, I don't know if I can watch her do this to her self if I try to stay friends with her. Thank you for sharing your situation with me. It can be hard to remember that I'm not the only one who has been through the same thing and it really helps me to accept that I'll find a way through it one way or another since others have as well.I'm often attracted to trouble so this probably won't be the last you see of me here but, I look forward to getting more help from all the helpful people here. If anything new comes up with this I'll keep you posted.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 September 2011):
like i said bpops, many many people have fallen into the same trap of thinking they can be the one that saves a person (from themself) from what you now tell us about her upbringing this girl has got problems that i really don't think you are equipped to deal with. i am not saying that she is not a lovely person, but she could end up just hurting you in the process and STILL her problems would not be resolved. i think that the abusive dad has made her lose her respect for men on some level she feels that her cheating is helping her to claim back the control that her own father took away from her with his anger problems. living with a man like that must have been absolutely terrifying for her as a small child and still probably is now.
you could be the BEST boyfriend in the world and she would STILL cheat because she uses it to salve old emotional wounds. if you are a friend to her, encourage her to get help and counselling. if and when she is healed then you could get into a relationship with her but not before coz she will sap all your emotional strength and hurt you so much that you will not want to help her, so better to do it as a friend.
i have been in the same situation as you. i cut contact with my friend rather than get into a relationship with him though because i knew that i would not be emotionally hard enough to cope with him. same situation - physically/verbally/emotional abusive father and my ex friend was honest enough to tell me that he had cheated on everyone he had been with/ so me it was a red flag and i decided to bail :(
x
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A
male
reader, bpops215 +, writes (5 September 2011):
bpops215 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not that I think her dating me is going to change her but, since we trust each other so much I was hoping there was something I could say or do. I do believe that she does have some issues with her child hood mainly with her father. Most of the time he is great but he has anger management problems and when he gets mad he really gets mad. Also she (much like myself) moved around and was bullied a lot as a child. It's hard for me right now to see us being just friends forever because it hurts me seeing her hurt herself. I know im young and just being blinded by love but it's hard not to be, especially when I think that there's something I can do to help.
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A
male
reader, CASA DE FIGUEROA  +, writes (5 September 2011):
You should talk to her really in depth because it seems that all of this cheating is coming from a dark place that could be either at home or she has had bad experiences in the past, ask her what happend and why she cheats so much. If she says she cheats just cause she feels like it and theres no reason behind it then shes just a lousy whore or shes not the relationship kinda girl. She seems like alot to handle, think about it really hard if you wanna get into that mess. Or just let it go dude your young, there will be more girls to come and go.good luck.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (5 September 2011):
if she is doing this to every guy she meets then it sounds like she has got some emotional problems, she craves attention and can't resist a new guy who shows an interest in her even though she has got a boyfriend. he problems probably have roots deep in her childhood and will not be something that you can sort out just by getting into a relationship with her. i know you will want to believe that you will be the one guy that changes her and is enough to make her stop her cheating ways. lots of people before you have made that mistake and ended up married and being cheated on by such people.
she has been out with a selection of boyfriends and cheated on all or most of them? i'm sorry but i don't think you will be any different. probably best to keep this girl as a friend who is honest with you than make her into a girlfriend who will become sneaky. you can stay friends for life if you want to, but a relationship will not last, coz she will either cheat or you will be going crazy THINKING that she is coz you know about her past record
x
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