A
female
age
41-50,
*n a see-saw
writes:I need some help - and quickly.I am engaged to someone I have lived with for 12 years. He is a good and honest man who I love, but he is like my brother. We are both the same age and we are looking to buy our second house and start a family before we get too old. Only negatives are that he tends to get drunk sometimes and has been stupid with his finances and it has caused me to lose some respect. We haven't had sex for 6 years - both his fault and mine I believe.But I have been seeing another man who is 12 years older than me for 2.5 years. He is a good man and I feel like he is my soulmate. He is very affectionate and physical and we have loving sex. We have realised that we need to decide to have an official relationship together or we will walk away. He is divorced with grown up children. He cannot have any more children after a failed vasectomy reversal, so I would be gambling on whether we could have fertility treatment.I am on a see-saw between these two people. The first wants me to stay and the second desperately wants me to go.What do I do? I would have a good life with the first but feel unfulfilled sexually and I would have a good life with the second but feel so guilty and upset about the first.Hope you can offer some advice. x
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (23 June 2012):
 Best of luck to you. You have waited a long time to make this decision. All this time you have been unfair to guy number one. But you realize that and are feeling guilty.
I hope it all works out.
A
female
reader, on a see-saw +, writes (17 June 2012):
on a see-saw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I still haven't resolved this situation but I think tomorrow is the day I will leave to be with number 2. The fact that I have not been able to stop my affair speaks volumes. I am so terrified and guilty but I think I will forever feel worse that I stayed. X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): "He is a good and honest man who I love, but he is like my brother. We are both the same age and we are looking to buy our second house and start a family before we get too old."
"I would have a good life with the first but feel unfulfilled"
You are contradicting yourself here. How can you have a 'good life' when you know you will be unfulfilled.
What is your definition of a good life?
Are you authentic in your relationship with your fiance? meaning, does he know how unfulfilled and unhappy you are? Does he know you've been cheating on him? If he doesn't, then you are not being authentic with him, you're being a fake at home. As long as you continue being a fake, you will guarantee that you'll continue to be unfulfilled.
When someone has an affair, that signals HUGE problems in their relationship. have you and your fiance ever talked about these honestly?
Why are you still with your fiance after all these years of being unfulfilled? Why didn't you leave long ago if you were unfulfilled?
does he know you've been having an affair for the last 2 years? If he does and STILL he wants you to stay, is it only guilt that's keeping you with him, because you can't bear to think of yourself as someone who hurts someone else's feelings? Because you know you hurt him by cheating on him so you feel it would be an even worse judgment on your character if on top of that you were to leave him? If not then why? Or are you just keeping your fiance around to get something you want from life (children) even though you already know and admit you find the relationship unfulfilling?
Let's say that your fiance is the one who decided to leave you now. Let's say you found out he's been cheating on you and leaves you for another woman, how would you feel? Would you then without a doubt go with the second guy even though you may not be able to have kids with him?
You have a lot of things to sort out in your mind first - like WHO you are, what your priorities are, and why you are in the position you are in right now, rather than having corrected your course long ago.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (21 August 2011):
 Sex isn't everything, but at your age not having sex for six years..that's not a relationship, that's a friend or a room mate, certainly not a lover. I'm afraid if you do marry him you'd always be wanting more. Have the two of you ever tried to sit down and talk about WHY the sex died? It seems to me like things have just ended and the two of you keep hanging on. But hanging on for what? As for the second man..well, if you want children, you do have to accept that he may not be able to give them to you. How important is it to you to have kids? But how can the first guy give you children when you don't even have sex? Think long and hard..what do you really want??? It seems to me like the second man might be the better choice in regards to your fulfillment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): You fall in love with man 1. Then man 2 walks by and you fall in love with him. If you loved man 1 you would'nt have fallen in love with man 2.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (21 August 2011):
You were with the first guy when your heart found a reason to seek another outside the relationship. For me, there was a reason for that, you were unsatisfied.
If you choose the first guy and leave the 2nd guy, you might find yourself down the road in the same situation...with another guy.
Life is too short to live with regrets and too short to live it 2nd rate.
It's not about sex, it's about intimacy. You do not have it with the first guy. Sex will fade eventually so if this is the reason you are wanting to choose the 2nd guy, think long and hard about that. Aside from that aspect of the relationship, is it complete?
I am thinking you should probably try a relationship with the 2nd guy.
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