A
female
age
41-50,
*arine99
writes:I'm in this 3 year relationship with this AMAZING guy. He and I have recently just came back from a 4 month trip in Europe. We have big plans for the future together. We are currently starting a business together, so life has been really stressful since we've come back to the US. He only has a few friends and this one friend is a female friend he's known for almost 11 years. Thankfully we don't see her that often because she lives in another city. But when they do hang out, I often feel like the 3rd wheel. He doesn't hold my hand or show affection to me in front of her. He says he doesn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. I just wished he did so she could see that we have a strong relationship and if she wanted to, she can't get between us. I've already expressed how I feel and he's doesn't know what to do because their just friends. She is smart, beautiful and funny. They have a blast every time their together. She almost seems like the girl version of him.I trust he will never cheat on me but I worry that one day he'll wake up and realize that it's her he wants.I will never make him choose because I'm not that kind of woman to make ultimatums. She and I have hung out by ourselves to get to know each other. I've tried everything I can to get over this issue! He says he loves me more than anything but how will I ever get over this insane jealousy I have towards her?Please help me. If I don't get over this ridiculous jealousy, I will lose him and the happy life we've created together.Please help!
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female
reader, marine99 +, writes (6 April 2011):
marine99 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for everyone's honest and genuine answer.I truly appreciate everyone's sincerity. Jealousy is a fragile and ugly monster.
I guess the only thing I can do is work on my self love and worth. I need to trust in my partner and trust in myself. I know things will work out. Although, there will be times when I falter, but I want to live a life where jealousy is not in control but where I am in control.
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (6 April 2011):
 So you're the least amazing person in the story??? You only attributed this quality to your boyfriend and his girl mate. Shouldn't you also be cool... at least by association, some great guy chose you? Oh, this way of thinking is one's worst foe. You probably feel you don't deserve him, and here's what can happen: because of that you won't dare to do or say this and that, you'll self analyse too much and that will hinder you in many situations, you can't be your best version if you have such concerns and the result starts to become the opposite of what it was intended initially. We'd be lying to say that he maybe never had any thoughts about her in that way, men do have a vivid imagination (which we love them for, don't we) and women too! - we all can feel an attraction to a friend of opposite gender but as long as we know precisely WHY we want our current partners and what makes that a great match, there should be no threat.Of course, there are some who look around also when everything is next to perfect at home but those are called a certain way and we're talking about both genders. Now, you can lure him behind closed doors and throw the key and that still won't make you feel more at ease if you have self esteem issues or feel less of a person compared to him (or her). What's also bad is these issues can be easily perceived by others and it becomes a turn off. In the end if you don't respect and value yourself enough, others won't, either.Being smart and funny and a people's person etc is also not everything. You do have other qualities, right, maybe a thousand times more important. Maybe you're fearful that he doesn't appreciates or sees them. But do you see them.Does he treat you with superiority or makes anything to make you feel bad or inferior? Sometimes little things can have echos. Draw his attention to them if this is the case. As for relationships in general, others fall apart after more than 3 happy and perfect years but that doesn't mean we should live with a permanent uncertainty. Enjoy life as it is. Many will cheat if given the opportunity no matter how "amazing" they are. If something should happen, it will. People aren't perfect and amazing either. They're just people, human beings. Try to make the most of everything, we only live once. Best of luck hun.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (6 April 2011):
 Some very good, practical suggestions from Odds!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (6 April 2011):
The help you need is in your own heart and head!
Nothing we can say or do will reassure you if you don't know in your innermost being that it's you your bf chooses to be with, not her. He has told you they are just friends. You have to take him at his word - UNLESS there is cast-iron evidence that he regards her as something more, and the "evidence" appears to be non-existent.
All I can tell you is to accept that you're afraid of losing him. Don't fight it, just acknowledge the feeling, but also don't dwell on it. Perhaps if you can do this and be patient with yourself, your fear will lose some of its power over you.
Keep in mind that you have qualities that he finds endearing and attractive; he values you for who you are. You have spent time with his friend. Those are all positive attributes to think about.
I wish you all the best!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (6 April 2011):
 If he's known her for 11 years without waking up and realizing he wants her, odds are pretty good it won't happen later. There's a chance, but I'd say it's really, really small.
Does he show more PDA in front of his other friends? If so, they may just be more comfortable with it than her, or he may just not be as close to them. If not, it may just be that he sees PDA as rude.
But then, those are rational arguments. Jealousy comes froma deeper part of our brain, where rational arguments fear to tread. It's one of the oldest and most powerful emotions.
So, you need to work those emotions out. A temporary fix would be to have a quickie, either in the morning or around noon before any planned time hanging out with her. Do it with enough time to spare that he could shower. This should release all the bonding hormones necessary to keep him focused on you, and to make you more secure in the relationship while you're with her.
Long term, getting to know her would be the best bet. Learn to like her. If you can enjoy being with her, and bond with her, you can learn to trust her. Trust comes from the tribal instinct, another old and powerful emotion. Once you subconsciously think of her as *your* friend, in addition to his, you'll have an easier time accepting her presence as not being a threat. Find out what she enjoys, find out what you have in common, and go do it for some girl bonding.
At the same time, with your man, express your feelings, but do so in a concise and reasonable manner. Whining every time you feel insecure will hurt both of you just as badly as keeping it bottled up. Express your feelings, accept his reassurances, and then try to calm down for a while. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (6 April 2011):
 Just imagine what she could be thinking.She knows she is not number one. You're number one.He's with you. And you are AMAZING too.Don't make mountains out of ant hills.The only one thing I'd have trouble with, honestly, is that he won't be affectionate around you because it may upset her.Well just do it anyways, because you are number one. You do come first, and if you don't you'll soon find out.It's a test for him, make it happen. On the other hand you could also see that he is very careful about women's feelings, which makes him a great guy.I can see it that way. OR I could see that he gets his ego filled by keeping her in his life, that's not good.But you'll soon find out right?
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A
male
reader, Partyboy123 +, writes (6 April 2011):
 We are jealous by nature when it comes to love, he has a strong friendship with this girl, 11 years you said. He could not possibly want to break that with her, and yea hes being a dick by doing that to you, but if his friend gets comfortable she might tell him where to go (friendship down the drain), which is not good for his social life. He loves you, hes been with you for 3 years, he expects you to understand the friendship and that it won't ever be like that. He won't wake up and realize she is the girl for him because you are with him, if he was going to be with her he would've figured it out already. He is yours, you are his, I am jealous about stuff like that too because I experience it like 10 times a day when I am with my girlfriend and people are around, she won't show affection and it sucks, but when people leave she is all over me, and I understand that completely.You have every right to be jealous, just don't try and tell him who he can or cannot be friends with (it will create problems). Continue to be jealous, but while he is with her and you are there, just show him the affection you want to be shown - he will see that you want to be treated that way and will start to -..Hope I helped you out..one more thing..love never fails.
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