A
female
age
36-40,
*ia_angel_love
writes:ive been seeing a guy for about 2 years he used 2 live near me when he was at uni but moved this summer, me and him are good friends and very close, and when he was here we used 2 be with each other all the time, we used to be sexual too. he's moved back home now so i don't seen him even though he made it clear we are not together, we have a relationship where each of us can't do anything with anyone else cause of hurting each other, even though i have seen proof of him sleeping with other people but i still really like him. i'm friends with his friend who lives here, the other night we all went out, i got really drunk and stayed round his house, i woke up to his friend having sex with me, i didnt kno what 2 do, i think i told him it was ok but i don't know, i thought it was my dream, i wouldn't have said yes otherwise, i'm just worried he might tell my friend i really like, he would go nuts if he knew, i really dont kno what 2 do, i've told him not 2 tell anyone and he said he won't be, i don't know if he meant it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): It sounds to me like you're in denial about the main FWB and the status of that. He's never gonna make you a full blown GF and you're the only one denying yourself other partners because of it.
As for the other friend, it sounds like you just got drunk and willingly had sex with him. I don't think it's a very big deal either way.
A
male
reader, OwHiTeLiOnO  +, writes (25 April 2008):
 Another case of you wanted it but using the alcohol as an excuse. When will women stop using this excuse?
OwHiTeLiOnO
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (6 January 2008):
 I have a feeling this guy won't say anything, even more so if it was rape. I think you should be thinking about that then this boy you like.
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A
female
reader, tia_angel_love +, writes (6 January 2008):
tia_angel_love is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry, my question was not that clear the person i dont want finding out about this wasn't there, he doesn't know anything about this, i just really wanted advice on - if you thought the guy this happened with would tell his friend (that i'm kinda involved in a way with), i won't be accusing anyone of rape as it was my stupid fault getting myslef into this mess.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 January 2008):
 I also think under the circumstances that you have described, to bring up charges would result in repeating all of this in front of a lot different police officers, and that they would be reluctant to press charges because they would have a difficult time in getting a conviction under such questionable circumstances. It would be your word against his and he could say that you did say okay. It's all very messy and not clear-cut enough to charge him.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (6 January 2008):
I don't think that it would be considered a conscious choice by either of you considering the state that you were in. You did make a choice to get that drunk with both of them and stay over, so you did make a choice to trust both of these individuals with your drunken self. I'd hardly think that the friend that you slept with or the guy that you like could pass judgement on you under these circumstances, and that you should hold either of them responsible to their drunken behavior either. They were responsible for getting that stupid-headed in the first place, but you all were equally irresponsible when it came to having sex and not knowing about it, thinking that you were dreaming. He can't hold you to blame for having sex with his friend, and you shouldn't hold his friend responsible for having sex with you without your permission, because you did kind of give it, sort of, and you did put yourself there, in that state, and it was compliance or agreement on your part, drunk or not. I don't think it would be fair to call this rape if you were a full participant in going out and getting so drunk that you had gaps in your memory and went home with two friends. I think it would be a real travesty of justice to call it rape. You could call it a lapse in judgement or a big mistake, but rape would be way too harsh. Rape is when two guys PLY you with alcohol and INSIST you go to their house when you wanted to go home and then they FORCE you to have sex.
Well, this has just been my opinion, anyways. I am sorry that you got into this pickle, and I don't think that you should mention this to the guy you like unless he brings it up. You know, it doesn't sound like much of a relationship when he can do as he wishes and you can't. He also kind of put you in this position with his friend, which doesn't seem too cool to me. I think if I were you, I'd dump his sorry butt after this drunken fiasco. If he cared for you at all, he wouldn't have let you get this drunk OR let you out of his sight once he saw that you were.
I'm sorry that you went through all of this. I'm sure that it is causing you a lot of emotional turmoil. I would just chalk it up to a making a big mistake, we all make them, and let it go. You didn't say if he was using a condom or not. Make sure you get tested. Take good care of yourself Dear. I hope that you are alright and are able to put this all of this behind you.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (6 January 2008):
 I'd be careful about accusing anybody of rape. These things get messy. Unless you have more details about the evening, it doesn't sound like you remember everything. If the guy was drunk too, he may not remember either. In that case, who was to blame? Did you offer and then pass out. Did he ask you. You say yourself that you're unsure.
More details would be great. Were you both in bed before the sex? Were you actually asleep or having moments of memory loss. These things are important. It easy to try and shift blame the morning after, when sober.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): im not trying to make the situation more complicated but thats kinda rape... that you would have said no if you hadnt been so plastered.
if the guy u have a relationship with but you are not "together" with is a decent guy then he wont keep stringing you along like this. tbh at the mo hes getting no strings sex! and he doesnt have to commit to you! thats no way to treat someone... especially someone that you go way back with. he may not be aware he is being a w*nker and may not be stringing you along on purpose but seriously girl DONT CARRY ON LIKE THIS... you should be having to worry about what hell think of you having sex when hes having sex too and you know about it!
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (6 January 2008):
 woah what a pickle. first of all something needs to be done about the friend. i dont care what anyone says or if you think you might have agreed to it when you woke up, the fact is when he BEGAN having sex with you you were unconscious. thats not on. thats rape. i would let him know that what he did was a criminal offence and if you want to you could report him to the police. he must know that what he did was wrong so i dont think he'll be telling anyone anyway.
but as for your FWB, i dont think thats a situation you want to be in hun. it doesnt sound like its going to make you happy in the long run. its a classic case of a boy wanting to have his cake and eat it. why should it be one rule for him and the opposite for you? He's seeing all these girls and making it clear to you that you are not in a committed relationship and he has no commitment to you but expects you to not see anyone else and be committed to him? dont think so. you'll be happier with someone else he is playing mind games with you and messing up your head.
its tough now cos you are right slap bang in the middle of this and cant see whats going on because you are so emotionally involved with him but once you are out of the situation and looking back on it with a clear head you will be able to see how bad he was for you and you will be glad you got out of it.
best of luck
brooke
x
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A
female
reader, AJ jess ^..^ +, writes (6 January 2008):
 hmmm i suggest that gettin that drunk in the first place was perhaps a bad idea, many of my friends have been in this situation and often if you tell the guy you accidently ended up having sex with that it was a mistake and you were delerious and didnt know what was going on but would like to remain friends as you found him valuble in that sense. i hope this helps x x x
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