A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I met at college and graduated together a year ago (we've been together 3 years). I had to move 4 hours away from my hometown when I went to college, whereas my boyfriend still lives at home with his parents (only child), and walks into college most days. I haven't had the easiest 10 years, with both my parents passing away (one of which was unexpected), but my boyfriend and his family have been wonderful to me, sometimes taking me in for months at a time to get me away from the issues in my hometown. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to everything they have done for me, but I'm starting to find my boyfriend and his relationship with them a little difficult. Now don’t get me wrong, his parents are extremely generous, kind, loving people who treat me as one of their own, especially when I have stayed over there whilst attending college, but it's starting to grate on me now, like I'm sharing him with them. He's ridiculously close with both his parents, more so than I've seen with any other male friends around the same age as him (my family seem to think its cause he's an only child? but who knows). I think it's really sweet, but sometimes I wish he wasn't so close with them. If he isn't going downstairs to see them, he's working at the family run business when we aren't at college. He says he doesn't want to move more than 1 hour away from his parents, whereas I'd still be 3 1/2 hours away from my family. He says that he has more family than I do, and that his parents would be good grandparents for when we have children, as he can't see my family being like that (when infact, my family can't wait for me to have kids and look after them). They are even coming on a 2 week holiday with us to California in a few weeks time, something that was my boyfriends decision and not mine. It's one thing them coming along if you don't have a family, but especially when you pretty much live with them too, it would be nice just to have time when its just my boyfriend and I. Another passion of mine is travelling, and after a year of work, I'd love to travel to Europe and New Zealand to have some experience in working in a different country, only thing is, my boyfriend has told me he doesn't want to be away from his parents for more than 4 months…. which might prove a problem. He's also told me he doesn't want to move out as he'll miss his parents (something that I can relate to from when I started college), and that he'll miss getting pampered by them, and having a joke with them.I don't know whether its because I've already been independent, moving away from home at a younger age, whereas he's still 24 and living at home… but I feel we could really come into problems in the future, whether its living arrangements, jobs or just life, really! I know there has to be compromise somewhere… but I have a feeling he expects it all to happen from me. I know some may say I'm jealous of the relationship he has with his parents, but I'm not. Of course I wish they were here, but even I wasn't as close to my parents to the extent he is. It just completely baffles me. I really would love to spend the rest of my life with him, as I love him to bits, and his parents are lovely too, but I just find the relationship he has with them is something Ive never seen before. I don't always feel like I can confront him about it - I usually just talk to my family members about it, and see what they think. I don't know, with it being his parents I feel like its a sensitive subject… but oh I just really don't know what to do, or how I should tackle it, or try and get him slightly away from his parents to see what its like being independent.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Well this will be mostly because he is an only child - my boyfriend is an only child too, he is 28 and only moved out about a year ago! He speaks to his mum daily, they text all day and speak on the phone every night....so I kind of understand how you feel!
Once he makes that step of actually getting out of his parents house it will be much better, he will learn to be more independent and will enjoy it. But it is getting him out of his parents house that will be the difficult part!
I think you need to sit down with him and discuss the future properly, and explain your concerns. Obviously it is not feasible to live with his parents forever - you cant as a young couple be sharing a house with his parents, it simply is not an option. He will have to move out, so work out a plan together to figure out when you will move in together and where you will live.
Him living an hour away from his parents is a reasonable compromise, especially for a guy like this. Yes you will have to be further away from your family, but it sounds like you are the sort of person that can cope with that whereas your boyfriend clearly would not cope. So yes it will be you that is slightly worse off, but I think that would be an ok compromise if it meant he would actually move out of his parents house!
The holiday issue is ridiculous - you need to talk to him about that. You have been together 3 years now, you should be able to go on holiday just the 2 of you. There is not much you can do about California, but once you get back from that holiday make it clear that while you love his parents and think they are great, you want a holiday just for the two of you so the next holiday will be just you as a couple.
As for the travelling - 4 months is pretty good! Travelling is incredibly expensive so you will find that 4 months will probably be enough, it will give you chance to get a part time job out there so you have your experience of working abroad (which, by the way, is the same as working anywhere else in the world - it is all work!). I think getting him to travel for 4 months without his parents will be a massive thing for him so be happy he is willing to do this. You never know, he might really enjoy those 4 months so he will want to travel some more in the future.
So the main issues you have really are holidays without his parents, and then living together in the future. You do need to talk to him about this, and it isnt about his parents really - it is simply about being a couple and having time to yourselves. As long as you make it clear you love his parents and enjoy spending time with them he wont feel like it is an attack against his parents. Dont be afraid to talk to him - he is your boyfriend and if you want to have a succesful future together you do need to communicate about issues that bother you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 March 2012):
 Why not start with the four months travelling that he is prepared to be away from them for, and take it from there.
Or you could go for longer and your boyfriend join you for the four months.
Maybe he can't see that your family will make as good grandparents because they wont be grandparents. Aunts, uncles and cousins are not quite the same!
Lots of people I have met over the years have family dynamics completely different to mine, and adjustments/adapting takes time.
However, that being said I think based on the fact he is an only child and there is a family business he helps out in sometimes I think you may need to accept that for the foreseeable future his parents are going to play a large part in his life.
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