A
female
age
30-35,
*ophia888
writes: I'm married and I love my husband dearly. However, last year I gave up my full time job to return to full time study in University. Since the very first day I have been besotted with my Physics lecturer! He's married with children; married or not, he is completely "out of bounds". I would have thought this would be like any other crush or fantasy both my husband and I have experienced previously when there was a "rough patch" in our relationship. After all, we're married, not dead, and are more than capable of finding other people attractive. Subsequently, I had told my Hubby of my little crush thinking nothing of it. How wrong I was. Although this lecturer does not teach me anymore, I do still try to remain in contact with him in university and I find myself almost completely and utterly obsessed with him. To me, he is perfect. I make up academic "problems" so that I may have an excuse to see him. Despite never truly acting on feelings, I feel "dirty" and "unfaithful" for the thoughts and feelings I have towards this man. I believe that I may love him - I certainly have an overwhelming desire to tell him so. It makes me sick to think how this would tear my husband apart. If I was him, I would be distraught and heart-broken... I'm hoping that this will all "come out in the wash" sooner or later. I have been waiting for these feelings to subside as I believe it may be a consequence of some marital difficulties we have had for some time (i.e. Husband is un-expectantly out of full time work and we have been trying for children only to find that my husband is infertile). I often find myself being unreasonable towards my husband: moaning about everything he does and doesn't do. I do not find him as attractive as I used to and I certainly do not enjoy sex with him anymore. Actually, I fantasize about sleeping with other men and do not even think about sex with my own husband. I can't imagine ever leaving my husband and I just simply couldn't have the backbone to do it. I just wish I felt the same way about him as I do towards my lecturer... What should I do? Do I keep waiting to see if my feelings change? Do I keep waiting until our lives are back on track financially? I love him, but it's different now. Is this a temporary glitch or the beginning of the end? We both want a child so badly and this in itself may be the reason for our differences... but I cannot take the risk of bringing a child into an unstable marriage. I'm stuck. Do I go ahead with IVF or seek help? Am I in love with my lecturer or is it a crush? These are the questions that burden me daily...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sophia888 +, writes (8 February 2010):
Sophia888 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRafaella and "anonymous"Thank you to both of you.They are very much the words I wanted to hear. I had been aware of problems in our relationship possibly being the reason for this "crush". It has gone on for so long now I had seriously started to doubt it and started to believe that there was a greater underlining problem. From what you both have to say, I think it would be wise for me to follow my original feelings and re-focus my energies on me and my Hubby. It wouldn't be marriage if it didn't have it's occasional ups and downs!Thanks again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2010): We all have crushes sometimes,whether married or not.but that doesnt mean you have to act on them.after being in a relationship with a person for too long,one tends to get bored and find faults in their partner but you can always communicate and try to make your relationship better.your husband finds himself inadequate already.you dont need to add insult to injury by telling him about your crush.i guess he's dying inside but is trying to keep his head up and be a man,but u really are making it hard for him.try and show him some support,even if he wasnt infertile,you just dont tell your man you have a crush on someone else.your even lucky he is stil with u.he loves u if he can put up with that,so love him back.the proffessor is just another man,and when u first meet someone,(crushes,first dates,first kiss,late night calls etc)its all a bed of roses,and then it gets old.the bad and the ugly starts showing up later,so stick to your man,just reminesce with him through the good old days,and try to save your marriage.if u dont feel like it,just let him go.he doesnt deserve this.good luck.
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A
female
reader, Rafaella  +, writes (5 February 2010):
I believe your crush on your lecturer is a symptom of something that has to do with the issues in your marriage. I don't think it is wise to bring a child into this marriage, you need to address the issues first.
Your husband is not meeting your needs and your expectations are different now from what they were when you first got married. I also see that you are very young, you are changing and growing....and you are developing into a woman very different from the woman you were just a few years ago...and that's why you are seeing your husband in different light...
I think you need to talk with your husband and decide what to do...and let go of your fantasies about your lecturer, that's not love, you are unhappy in yor marriage and that's why you notice other men ....you are desperate for something that you don't get with your husband...Don't confront your lecturar about your feelings, he is probably oblivious about all this and will feel emabarassed and it all will become awkward...
You need to adress the cause of you feeling this way, if there is still love between you and husband then maybe you can work it out, but if not then maybe you will have to go separate ways...You have one life to live, make it the best life you can, and make yourself happy...
I was in a similar situation as you, I was infatuated by a married guy and was very miserable in an unhappy longterm relationship...
I ended my relationship and never looked back...Am much more happier now, and no I am not seeing the married guy, don't know what I saw in him :-)
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