A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend of one year has always had dating profiles since he was 13. (He is 21 now). He likes to talk to people though he's never met up with anyone from online since he just simply doesn't believe that something like love could come from someone you've never met in person. 6 months into the relationship I found out that he still has his dating profiles open though he barely goes on them. However, I do know that he does check them every now and then and reply to a message maybe once a month. I know this not from snooping around but simply from helping him with some school work and him opening up his email in front of me and seeing a bunch of emails from dating sites (some read most unread). I don't quite know what to do. In our relationship I don't have anything relatively close to a dating site set up nor do I believe I'm involved in any kind of friendships that would make him feel insecure in any way. However, I smoked a lot of weed one day and got very upset when I saw he had left his email account logged in on my laptop with some read email notifications from several dating sites open. I know this was a huge mistake in our relationship which has never had any trust issues of any sort, however, I went on every site, closed down his accounts and unsubscribed from their notifications. It's been 4 months since then and he hasn't mentioned anything about it, however, he gets emails from his dating sites daily so I'm sure he has noticed they've suddenly stopped. I feel terribly guilty about this. I've tried to talk to him about the sites prior to this incident and he says he only tries to make connections, hasn't ever met with anyone online, doesn't get much attention on them anyway etc. It really bothered me so much that I made a huge mistake and delved into his privacy.(I was also stupidly high as well which isn't an excuse but it definitely didn't help at all). I really should have made it more clear that the dating sites really don't make me feel comfortable. I also feel as if he may be not saying anything about the sites to indicate that it's not a big deal having his accounts gone. I'm not sure what to do and I would really appreciate help! Thank you! :)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 June 2014):
 I totally agree with llifton.
Although I think that what you have done , weed or no weed, is VERY serious and very inappropriate , ( is it even legal, I wonder ? ), - then again, what's a guy in a commited relationship doing on DATING sites ? He checks them very seldom ? Well, he should check them never. I understand he may be curious to get in touch with new people, swap ideas, shoot the breeze with new people outside his circle of friends, whatevr, but, have this people be females looking for partners or hook ups on dating sites ? What does he tell them the rare times he answers, " you sound nice, I have to admit I am totally wasting your time because I am in a relationship and this message exchange leads nowhere ? " If he wants to interact with strangers on Internet, there are tons of social networks, non dating websites, pen pal websites , etc. etc., but why dating sites '...
My guess is like llifton's , he DID notice that the accounts have vanished, and he figured out exactly what happened, - just he decided to play it cool and not to make a fuss because he had something to hide and is just happy he did not get caught red handed and got away relatively easy, just with the deltion of his profiles- or else, simply because he knows how inappropriate was his behaviour and does not have the nerve to defend the indefensible.
You could just let it go , as many posters say, ... or you could take this chance to come clean, apologize humbly and profusely for what you have done without telling him, AND make your stand clear about the subject : he dates you and he is committed to you ?- then being on dating sites, no matter what's the use he says he does of them, it's inappropriate and disrespectful.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (12 June 2014):
 Am I the only one who thinks it's odd and completely inappropriate to be on dating sites whilst in a relationship? I'm not condoning what you did - I think you should have spoken to him about how it made you feel and hopefully he would have taken it down on his own. So no doubt, you invaded his privacy. But at the same time, he completely overstepped his bounds by being on dating sites while being in a committed relationship with you. A position he never should have put you in.
If he doesn't think that you can ever actually meet someone worthwhile offline, why does he waste his time on them? Why have them since he was a young teen? He obviously was getting something out of it. Potential attention from other girls or occasional flirting. And who knows if that could ever transpire to more. After all, he IS on a dating site. That's what they're there for.
My guess is that HE isn't saying anything because he realizes he was in the wrong for using them and that he had no justifiable reason for being on them in the first place. So he's not speaking up. He may even wonder if you read any conversations he's had between other girls. He may not want to bring it up in case there was something shady in there.
I would just let it be.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 June 2014):
 How would you feel if he had done this to you? All is fair in love and war? I think what you did is far worse than what you suspect he might have done or not done. I say you just live with your distrust and suffer the outcome.
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 Hi,
Before invading his emails and pulling his profiles, I would have simply asked him about them. You admit that most of them are unanswered or unopened, so why take so drastic a measure.
I often get emails, mostly spam from dating sites I haven't even signed up to. Most of them are marketing ploys. The fact you got into his emails and took the profiles down, says a lot about your trust issues, rather than him having these sites.
He signed up when he was younger, and just hasn't bothered to close them down. I agree, that if you can't trust this man, you have no relationship with him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 June 2014):
 I think your "woman's intuition" is sending you a clear message.... and, though it's not crystal-clear now... it will be, in the future, when he dumps you for someone from one of those dating sites, from which "...he just simply doesn't believe that something like love could come from someone you've never met in person."
Good luck.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): If he hasn't mentioned it; it is because he doesn't care.
You are very much correct that you shouldn't have invaded his privacy; and it was not up to you to close anything without his authorization. Especially, when there are no issues and he isn't hiding anything from you.
The odd thing is, you know all about the accounts. You know for how long, and nothing is being kept secret. You really need to look inward and figure out why you don't trust him.
It appears YOU have a problem, not him.
I think he knows you well. He knows you have a conscience, and he is going to let you stew in it for awhile. Maybe he will bring it up someday, maybe he won't. The accounts obviously don't matter; or this would have been an argument the minute he discovered what you did. He figures you're happy now.
I agree with FatherlyAdvice. Just leave it alone.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 June 2014):
 It worked, don't mess with it.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): You have to talk to him about it as much for your own peace of mind as anything.
It's been 4 months and this is still playing on your mind, so you need to face up to it and discuss it with him.
OP you have the right attitude towards it, you know it was wrong, you know it was a completely nasty and immature thing to do so tell him and explain that to him.
I disagree completely with sugarplum, it's something that will eventually come up and if it's not you bringing it up then there's even more potential for disaster. He doesn't miss them or he would have said it to you already. Or maybe he too likes to smoke a bit of weed and just hasn't really noticed or cared.
But 4 months you've been holding onto this guilt and you need to get rid of that by talking to him. You made a mistake, you did something behind his back and betrayed his trust. You owe him an explanation and an apology because something tells me he would have deleted them no bother at all if you asked him to and told him having them made you feel.
OP the only thing worse about going behind your partner's back to do something like that is trying to keep it hidden from them.
I'd feel far more betrayed that you didn't own up to doing it. If you can do things behind my back and not tell me for so long then what else are you capable of hiding? Seemingly my feelings aren't more important to you than trying to get away with it, which is very bad in my eyes, OP.
I'd be okay with you having done that if you owned up to it, but if I found out on my own you did it and you were still trying to hide it from me then anything goes in our relationship, OP, because I can't trust you to come clean about things you do wrong to me, so you literally can be doing anything and keeping it a secret.
That means there can't be any trust.
OP the sites themselves are not a big deal, deleting them behind his back like that kind of was but not really, hiding this from him is a big deal in terms of trust though so you need to fix that by owning up and talking about it. I mean he could be thinking anything right now because he doesn't really know why you did it. Even worse he uses them so little that he didn't notice, because he will eventually and when he does there'll be no escaping the fact you hid this from him and were willing to keep it hidden.
OP we're allowed privacy in relationships, we're allowed our personal secrets. The people who say you're not allowed that are fools, insecure or controlling. Where you're not allowed to keep secrets is when they personally affect your partner and in this case, this secret does.
Time to have a chat about it, OP. I don't think it'll be a big deal once you explain it all to him. I'm a very strict and unforgiving person in a relationship and even I would understand why you did it. For me I'd be a bit pissed initially but once you explained everything including how much it's been wracking you with guilt for the past four months I'd be fine with it. But you can't let anything like that happen again and you'd have to accept me not allowing you access to my emails anymore too because you can do stupid shit my personal accounts.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 Just let it go and keep quiet. He is a big boy and if the sites are not important he should not miss the emails or care that he is no longer a subscriber. I think coming out and being honest may just create problems and heartache. You regret what you did , don't let it happen again, just move on.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (11 June 2014):
 I think you need to come clean and tell him that you closed all his dating website accounts. He may very well be mad, but you did it whilst upset and under the influence of drugs. You need to be able to trust him when he says that he doesn't ever meet people off of dating websites.
If you can't trust him, then there is no relationship...
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