A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I had been together almost 4 years. He moved from England to Canada with me 3 years ago in August. We definitely had our rough patches, mainly to do with him speaking inappropriately to other girls. Anyway, on Sunday morning I checked his phone for messages (I had a gut feeling something was wrong) and found a whole list of messages to a girl he works with saying how perfect she was and how great her body was etc. I promptly woke him up and told him we were over. In the past, he's just gone silent and said "I don't know what to say". However, this time he called his mum and within the hour had a flight booked back to England. He didn't even try to patch things up with me. He left the next day. We've kept in contact so far with him agreeing we would take this as a 'break' to saying 'we'll see how it goes'. Then tonight he told me that he will never move back to Canada and we are over for good. The hardest part for me is that he's ending 4 years of a relationship in 4 days. It's humiliating, disgusting and extremely upsetting. I've told him I'd be content with a long distance relationship until he's ready to come back but he just keeps saying he can't hurt me again. I just don't know how to accept it all. I wasn't the one who messed up so why am I the one hurting the most? All I want is for him to talk to me the way I am talking to him. What do I do?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 June 2014):
 It hurts because you expected him to put up a fight and not throw it all away in an instant.
It hurts because he's not even willing to work on whatever relationship you had.
And most of all it hurts because this asshole has humiliated, cheated and betrayed you without so much as a "sorry". The fact that you've been played for a fool in this entire episode and that he just got up and fled like a thief the second he was cornered, is enough to make anyone livid.
OP stop talking to this guy because in his head the relationship is over and he's now making you suffer. He has no love or respect for you, he knows how horribly hurt you are and yet he's making no amends. Even though he's the one that made a mistake, its like he's making YOU pay for it.
I cant imagine the brazen audacity and nerve that this man has and you should just stop taking to him immediately. Actually, he might have just done you a favour. If he HAD stayed back and made a feeble apology, you might have stayed together but you would have constantly doubted him, fought with him and maybe broken up a few months later when it would have been even more difficult for you. He's actually ripped the band-aid off in one quick motion.
Don't cry over him; he doesn't deserve your tears because he's an insolent, cheating, lying scumbag. He's up to no good and never will be. I know its difficult to accept that a relationship is over just like that in the blink of an eye but in your case its a good thing. At least you don't have to see his face everyday and hear his fake pleas, you can now move on and in time meet someone who truly deserves you. Just please NEVER contact him again. That will serve him right.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (5 June 2014):
 What you have to do is simple yet hard. You are in a new country where you can start fresh. He is not the only man in the world. Ask yourself this question…Are you will to keep him knowing he is willing to be with someone else?The hard part is letting go, and trusting others. You MUST let go of him and what he did…as you said, you did nothing wrong, so why make yourself suffer? Lucky for you there are no children involved…could have been worst.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 I agree with WiseOwlE.
Go get a full spectrum STD panel done.
Secondly, STOP apologizing and trying to get him back. The relationship is OVER. IT has been for quite a while, at least for him. I think YOU knew that but were/are in a bit of denial.
I know it doesn't feel good to get dumped. But here is the thing, it's NOT because there is something WRONG with you. It's because you two no longer are a good match.
I would STOP being in contact with him, because you think if he is talking there is hope. HE is done with the relationship. YOU are now single.
DO NOT settle for this guy. DO NOT settle for a LDR with him, because frankly what good is that going to do you? You will spend way more to worrying about what girls he is around back in UK and who he is chatting up now, then try and LIVE your life.
I have to ask, WHY do you think YOU are the one who messed up? Because you called him on his behavior? Or because YOU gave him an out, and he took it like a bat out of hell?
Snooping is never a good thing. But the thing is YOU were right in your GUT feelings. HE was doing things he shouldn't DO in a relationship. HOW is that your fault that he did these things?
LEARN from this.
STOP chasing him. Take your time to mourn the end of a 4 year relationship, then look to the future. PUT him in the past.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 It was always going to be like this.
I know its lonely and you miss him, but you have to let yourself get over him.
Soon you will be ok and then you can be with a man who appreciates you.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 June 2014):
 It sounds as if he was wanting the relationship to be over this time. Maybe in the past, he didn't really want things to end. But it seems as if this time, he was ready and somewhat planned it. I think he's most likely been distancing himself from you for a while now - which is partly why he was messaging another girl. And the fact that you caught him, only gave him the excuse for the out he was looking for.
I think you're better off. I know it hurts like hell and you're confused. Rightfully so. One day, you were living with your boyfriend, and the next, you're broken up and he's living on another continent. But try and envision the big picture - this guy was lying to you and saying inappropriate things to other women. And not for the first time, either. You don't deserve that. So while it may be painful now, you'll realize that it's for the best in the long run. Now, you won't have to put up with a cheater - because that's what he was doing - emotionally cheating.
Granted, you did wake him up by saying you two were over. So taking that into account, you did tell him you wanted to break up. So technically, you got what you asked for. I suppose the shock came from the fact that you were expecting more of a fight on his end to make up for it and to stay together. Basically, a plea on his end not to leave him and to allow him to make up for his actions. The shock comes from the fact that he just basically said "okay" and got up and left without a word. If you didn't want to break up, or don't in the future, don't throw that around lightly. Don't say it if you don't mean it. However, in this case, it was just the excuse he was looking for to leave.
Feel better. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): I'm sorry, but you have to own the fact that you held on to a guy who was actively cheating on you.
He didn't respect you, and didn't care how you felt about his cheating on you. It was over for him a long time ago, he just didn't say anything. That's because he could cheat and all you'd do is get angry, have a melt-down, and get over it. Then back to business as usual. You don't give a cheater endless forgiveness. It's a free pass to continue what he's doing.
You didn't mess up, but you didn't use your common-sense either. You don't stay with men who cheat on you.
If you had unprotected sex with this guy; you had best get tested for HIV and other STD's. You're young and naive, but you're not a fool. He did you a favor. You held on tight, because you didn't want to breakup no matter what.
My dear, there has to be a point when you don't take it anymore. You can't see that at the moment; because you're still in shock. When all this settles, you're feel differently. He wasn't just speaking inappropriately with girls, he was probably having sex with them too!
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