A
female
age
30-35,
*keez
writes:Hi everyone!I hope someone can help me out and maybe guide me on a decision I made. I broke up with my boyfriend of about 4 months today and I guess I just need to see if people think I did the right thing as I know what I am like, I will do what I think is right then regret it a few days later.Anyways, the main reason I broke up with him is that I felt like I was not a priority in his life. He works a busy job as a head chef which takes up most of his life which I was fine with as I am quite independent anyways. We saw each other about once a week or 10 days, which naturally I would be exited to see him. But a lot of the time he acted like it didn't really matter if I was there or not. He was always thinking about other things and talking about himself or work and never asked me how my life was or how my business is going.He got offered a job in London a while ago but said no to it but since then he mentioned it in arguments about that he could have gone but didn't coz of me and made it so it was my fault. A few days ago he said he was going to phone them back and see if it was still available coz his mum is angry with him he didn't take it. That made me feel worse because I genuinely believed I had stopped him going and it felt like he was rubbing it back in my face.Other thing was I made a comment last night that we didn't really know much about each other as hes not very talkative so I asked him some questions about himself but all he could ask about me was my past sexual life, nothing about me as a person. I am 23 and am not clueless about what I deserve and don't deserve. Iwant a more meaningful relationship were my boyfriend wants to know about me and makes the most of the time we have together doing things etc. Today was the last straw for me as I had been to his yesterday for his bday and had spent a £100 meal on him when I'm not that well off with money right now but knew it would make him happy, and then I stayed over. We planned to go to a city today nearby to spend some more time with each other as I probably wouldn't see him again for another week or 10 days, but he phoned his friend to organise a meet up right in the middle of the day. I was really insulted so told him Ill go home and he couldn't drive me home fast enough. I made it clear I was very offended that he cancelled our plans for a mate but he just got angry and didn't speak to me. Every time I shared how I felt ever he got angry and made me feel like I was bad for feeling the way I did. So I decided there and then I had had enough and broke up with him. I sent him a text later on saying I was sorry and its just we aren't suited etc, I was not rude even though I would have loved to have been because he treated me very badly but he wont respond to me which I guess im ok with but now Im more worried how I am going to deal with it all if he does reply.Did I do right?
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female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (27 December 2013):
It's fine that you broke up with him, but you shouldn't have done it over text.
Also, it was his birthday, I wouldn't like it if my boyfriend wanted me all to himself on MY birthday. Birthdays are a special day, where you get a say in how you want things. But other than that, he does seem thoughtless, and I agree with wht everyone has said. Time's too precious.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 December 2013):
 I'm glad you ended it "gracefully" and not rude, because as much as you want to hurt him for being a dumbass, it's not you.
Yes, you did the right thing. You were an ornament in his life, not a priority.
The fact that he blames YOU for not taking a job in London, makes me think that he USED you as excuse to not take it. Now that his mom pressured him into thinking he SHOULD have taken it, who is he going to blame? YOU. (OR did you tell him don't take that job?) Somehow I doubt you did. THAT was his choice to take it or not.
I would honestly block him from further contact, JUST so you don't start to feel bad about your choice.
As for making plans to met up friends when he had ALREADY made plans with you, well maybe he doesn't get to see ANYONE much outside of work, so he figured why not see his mate too on his day off. It was careless and inconsiderate, but it kind of goes with the rest of his personality. That the world revolves around him.
It's only been 4 months, shouldn't take too long for you to move on. He was a dud. It happens.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 December 2013):
 I'd have to say you did the right thing. If you're having that many problems at the 4 month point, then you both weren't a good fit.
Now, whether he replies or not is irrelevant. If you've broken up with him, then cut off the conversation. Nothing screams wishy-washy than a breakup with continued conversation and dragging it out. If you're done, then you're done. From what you described of him, he wasn't that into you, and that was that. Go complete no-contact so you can move on. Dragging out the contact is not what you need. I'd be more irritated at the money spent on his birthday yesterday, the day after Christmas.
If he replies, leave it. Don't reply back. Don't even acknowledge his existence. Broken up means he's dead to you and that's the attitude you take when it comes to communication with him now and forever. He is a selfish idiot and doesn't deserve one glance from your direction or one ounce of effort expended in a text.
Just because he works as a head chef doesn't mean you only get a week to 10 days and then one visit. There are many more busier people who find the time and look forward to the time spent together and don't waste it on past sex partner talk.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): You have a right to want certain things within your relationship. If you don't get it, that is reason to end it.
Isn't the point of committing to another person; getting what you need, and giving them what they need?
When a relationship is lopsided, it's a waste of time and effort. Thus there comes conflict and arguments. Someone feels slighted; and the other thinks they've don't more than enough.
When things are off-balance; then compromise will usually solve the problem. If there is no solution through compromise, a breakup is justified. You were unable to find a happy medium. He could only fault you for his misfortune and a missed opportunity; so he is now free to pursue any opportunities he wants. He didn't have the time for a relationship anyway. You felt slighted. He felt one sacrifice should end all. He felt his life was all that matters; and you were just a healthy distraction in his very busy important life. You are no longer in his way.
As a rule, I do not measure my position within another person's priorities; because priorities change. That will include my own. Sometimes it's family, sometimes is your own health, sometimes it's your career. You look for balance, not to always be the one at the top. Children are the only priority that never changes. They always come first. We grown-ups can fend for ourselves, when priorities are forced to change. We look at the reasons and accept things according to logic and circumstance. Through "trust" we believe we are always at the top; even though it may not seem so at times.
If you have to make a life-altering decision; just think it out carefully first. Weight the pros and cons. Make the decision, and stand by it. When doubt comes, go back and look at the reasons you decided to end that relationship.
In fact; re-read your post.
That will tell you that you did right. I think I would have made the same decision; if I were in your shoes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): You've got to follow your instincts on this, it does seem like you have done the right thing. Four years together, they're should be plans of a future and after all that time you'd think your know each other pretty well - if not inside out.
It's best to call it a day and leave it as that. One day you will meet someone who is interested and supportive of you. I imagine his job was very demanding, as chefs have to work long or split shifts which makes having a social life difficult but it sounds like he wasn't really ready for the commitment of a relationship yet. Ditching you for friends instead of letting you know his plans before his birthday shows he's still quite immature, I can understand he may have thought her done the meal with you and wanted some time with his mates but he should've let you know this in advance so you didn't have your plans ruined.
You've done both of you a favour as he can go about his life and realise his decisions are his responsibility - no one else's. You are now free to enjoy life until the day you meet someone who is ready for a proper relationship.
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